Chapter 9: The Role of Family and Friends in Shaping Your Habits

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Hey everyone and welcome back.

We're diving deep today into something pretty interesting, I think.

How the people around us, you know, all those friends, family, colleagues, how they shape our habits.

It's a fascinating topic and you're right, it's something we often overlook.

You know, we tend to think of habits as these very personal things, you know, you build them through willpower and discipline.

Right, exactly, like it's all about self -control.

Yeah, but the truth is our social environment plays a huge role, often without us even realizing it.

It's like we're swimming in the sea of social influence and it's constantly shaping our behaviors.

Okay, so let's start with the basics, this idea of social norms.

I mean, we hear that term thrown around a lot, but what does it actually mean in this context?

Yeah, so social norms are basically these unwritten rules of behavior that are accepted within a particular group or society.

They tell us what's considered appropriate, what's expected, and what's just plain out of bounds.

And they're not just limited to like big societal things, right, like table manners or laws.

It's like everything.

You got it.

It's everything.

It's how we dress, how we talk, how we interact with each other, even down to like how we express our emotions.

So it's like this invisible force that's kind of guiding our actions all the time.

Exactly.

And it all goes back to our evolutionary roots.

You know, humans are social creatures.

We've always relied on groups for survival, right?

So that instinct to belong, to fit in with the tribe, it's deeply embedded in us.

Makes sense.

Back in the day, being ostracized from the group could mean life or death.

Right.

Exactly.

So we evolved to be super sensitive to the norms of our tribe because those norms, those unwritten rules, they dictate what's considered acceptable behavior, what's rewarded and what's punished.

And that's where habits come in.

Bingo.

Our desire to fit in it actually drives the habits we develop.

We're way more likely to adopt habits that are seen as normal and accepted within our social circles.

It's like this unconscious pull to conform.

Think about it.

How many times have you picked up a phrase or like a mannerism from your friends or family?

Oh, all the time.

Right.

It's like osmosis.

You just absorb these little things without even realizing it.

Totally.

Like I've noticed, I tend to start talking like the people I spent a lot of time with.

It's almost subconscious.

It's fascinating, isn't it?

And it's not just about conscious imitation either.

There's this incredible story in the materials we were given about the Polgar sisters.

Have you heard of them?

Vaguely.

Remind me.

Okay.

So there are these three chess prodigies who were raised by a father who was absolutely convinced that anyone could become a genius with the right kind of training.

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember.

It's like that nature versus nurture debate come to life.

Exactly.

Laszlo Polgar, the father, he decided to test his theory by raising his daughters to be chess masters.

And he did it by creating this incredibly intense environment where chess was the central focus of their lives.

I read that they were homeschooled and they played chess for hours every day.

Like their entire lives revolved around the game.

That's right.

They were completely immersed in this chess culture from a very young age.

And the results were astonishing.

All three sisters became incredibly strong chess players.

Didn't one of them become a world champion at like 14 or something?

Yeah.

Sophia became a world champion at 14 and Judith, the youngest, she actually became the youngest grandmaster ever at 15.

She even beat Bobby Fisher's record.

Wow.

That's incredible.

So it's like a real life experiment in habit formation, right?

It shows how powerful a carefully crafted environment can be in shaping our behaviors and achieving extraordinary results.

You caught it.

Now, obviously not everyone's aiming to be a chess grandmaster, but the takeaway here is that the habits we develop, they're deeply intertwined with the world we're exposed to, especially in those early formative years.

Makes you think about your own childhood, doesn't it?

Like, were you surrounded by books, music,

sports?

Did your family have strong routines?

It's interesting to think about how those early influences might still be with us today.

Yeah, for sure.

And it's not just our childhoods, you know, as we go through life, we continue to be influenced by the social norms of the groups we belong to.

It's like we're constantly adapting to fit in.

So even as adults, we're still being shaped by these social forces.

Absolutely.

The materials actually break down the groups we imitate into three main categories, the close, the many, and the powerful.

Interesting.

Okay, let's unpack that.

The close group.

That's our inner circle, right?

Like family, friends, close colleagues, people we interact with regularly.

Exactly.

Those are the people we spend the most time with.

So it's natural that we'd start to pick up their habits, mannerisms, even their ways of thinking.

It's like that saying, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with or something like that.

Yeah, I've heard that one too.

It's pretty spot on.

And think about it.

Have you ever noticed yourself picking up a phrase, a habit, or even a taste from someone you're close to?

Oh, yeah, totally.

I actually started running because my roommate was training for a marathon.

Her enthusiasm was contagious.

That's a perfect example.

It just shows how those close relationships can really influence our behavior sometimes without us even realizing it.

It's like our brains are wired to mirror the people we're around.

Exactly.

Now the second group, the many, that refers to the larger tribe or social group we identify with, it's that sense of belonging to a larger community.

Right, like trying to blend in with the crowd, wanting to be part of something bigger than ourselves.

Exactly.

And we often unconsciously adopt behaviors to fit in with this group.

Think about things like fashion trends or slang or even social media habits.

Like that feeling of wanting to be in the loop, you know, not wanting to be the odd one out.

Right.

We want to feel like we're part of the group, and that often means adopting the behaviors and norms of that group.

Makes sense.

And then the third group you mentioned, the powerful.

Who are we talking about here?

So the powerful, this is where we start talking about status and prestige.

We tend to imitate the habits of those we admire, those who have achieved success or recognition in a particular field.

It's that aspirational pull, right?

Like we see someone, we admire someone who embodies the qualities we want to cultivate, and we naturally try to emulate their behaviors.

Exactly.

We think if they do it, it must be a good thing.

And there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

You know, it can actually be a powerful motivator for positive change.

The key is to be discerning about who you choose as your role models.

Right.

It's not about blindly copying everything they do.

It's about understanding what makes them tick, what drives their success, and then adapting those principles to your own life.

You got it.

It's about finding inspiration, not just imitation.

Okay.

So we've got these three groups, the closed, the many, and the powerful.

And they're all exerting this subtle influence on our habits sometimes without us even realizing it.

That's the crazy part.

We think we're making these independent choices, but in reality, our social environment is playing a huge role.

So how do we become more aware of these influences?

Like how do we start to recognize those moments when we're being swayed by the crowd?

Well, one of the best ways to understand how easily our perceptions can be influenced is to look at this fascinating experiment by Solomon Ash.

Have you heard of the Ash conformity experiment?

Oh yeah, the famous line experiment.

I remember reading about this.

It's amazing how easily our perceptions can be swayed by the opinions of others.

It's a classic study, and for good reason.

In this experiment, participants were asked to compare the lengths of lines.

It was a simple visual task, right?

But here's the catch.

Everyone else in the room, except the actual participant, was in on the experiment.

Oh, sneaky.

So they were all giving the wrong answer on purpose.

Exactly.

They were instructed to deliberately give the wrong answer, and the results were mind -blowing.

Even though the participants could clearly see the correct answer, many of them started to doubt themselves and ended up conforming to the group's incorrect opinion.

Wow.

So even when we know the right answer, we can still be swayed by the group.

It's powerful to think about.

It's like that feeling when you're in a meeting and everyone seems to agree on something, but you have this nagging feeling that it's not quite right.

Do you speak up and risk being the odd one out, or do you just go with the flow?

Exactly.

And that internal struggle, that's the power of social influence at work.

It's this constant push and pull between our own perceptions and the pressure to conform to the group.

And this has huge implications for how we form habits, right?

Absolutely.

Because if we're constantly surrounded by people who engage in unhealthy habits or unproductive behaviors, it's going to be way harder for us to resist those temptations ourselves.

So it's not just about willpower.

It's about creating a social environment that supports our goals.

You got it.

We need to be mindful of the social norms that are shaping our behavior and make conscious choices about the cultures we immerse ourselves in.

Okay.

So this is all starting to make sense.

But the big question is how do we actually use this knowledge to our advantage?

How can we harness this power of social influence to build better habits?

That's the million dollar question.

And that's exactly what we're going to dive into after a quick break.

All right.

So we've talked a lot about how social influence can really shape our habits, sometimes in ways we don't even realize.

But now let's flip the script a bit.

How can we actually use this knowledge to our advantage?

How can we harness this power to

build better habits?

That's the million dollar question, right?

Knowing is one thing, but actually applying it, that's where the magic happens.

Exactly.

And one of the most effective strategies, I think, is to be really intentional about the cultures we surround ourselves with.

It's like if we want to develop a particular habit, it really helps to join a group where that behavior is already the norm.

Surround yourself with people who are already doing the thing you want to do.

It's like that saying, if you want to be a runner, hang out with runners.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

It's about finding your tribe.

You know, if you want to get into running, joining a running club can provide that built -in support system and make it way easier to stick with it.

You're not just battling willpower alone.

You're surrounded by people who get it, who share your goals and understand the challenge.

And they can hold you accountable too, right?

Like if you know your running buddies are expecting you for that morning run, you're less likely to hit the snooze button.

Absolutely.

That sense of community, that shared identity, it can be incredibly motivating.

The materials actually mention this really cool example.

It's a company called Nerd Fitness.

Have you heard of them?

Nerd Fitness.

Yeah, I think so.

Remind me.

So they help people who identify as nerds get into shape and they do it by embracing that very identity.

You know, instead of trying to fit into the traditional gym culture, which can be intimidating for some,

they've created this whole community where being a nerd is an asset.

I love that.

So it's like they're taking something that could be seen as a negative and turning it into a positive.

Exactly.

They use video game references.

They have themed workouts.

They even incorporate elements of like fantasy and role playing into their fitness challenges.

That's brilliant.

It makes getting in shape fun and engaging.

You know, it's not a chore.

It's an adventure and it works.

People really thrive in that environment because they feel a sense of belonging.

They feel seen and understood.

It all comes back to that fundamental human need for connection, for being part of a tribe,

nerd fitness.

They've tapped into that need and they're using it to help people achieve their fitness goals.

So if we're trying to build better habits, it sounds like we need to be really strategic about the social environments we're part of.

Are we surrounding ourselves with people who support our goals or are we constantly fighting against the current?

That's the question, isn't it?

And sometimes it's not even about joining existing groups.

Sometimes it's about creating our own mini cultures within our existing social circles, you know, finding those little pockets of support and accountability that can make a big difference.

Right.

Like finding a workout buddy or starting a book club with friends or even just making a pact with your partner to cook healthy meals together.

Exactly.

It's about being proactive and finding those people who are on the same wavelength as you, the ones who are going to cheer you on and help you stay on track.

I like that.

Okay.

So we've talked about joining cultures and creating our own.

Yeah.

What about this idea of imitating the powerful, you know, we talked earlier about how we tend to emulate those we admire.

Is there a smart way to leverage that tendency for habit formation?

Absolutely.

I think the key here is to be really selective about who we choose as our role models.

And then once we've identified them, we need to focus on the habits that truly contribute to their success.

It's not about blindly copying their every move, but rather about understanding the deeper principles that drive their achievements.

So it's like, instead of just trying to copy their morning routine or their wardrobe, we should try to understand their mindset, their work ethic, their decision -making process, the things that really make them tick.

Exactly.

It's about looking beyond the surface level behaviors and trying to grasp the underlying values and strategies that have led to their success.

It's about understanding the why behind the what, you know?

The materials make a great analogy about this.

It's like trying to bake a cake without understanding the recipe.

You might end up with something that looks like a cake, but it won't taste quite right.

Uh -huh.

I love that.

It's so true.

You need to know the ingredients, the proportions, the baking time, all of it.

Otherwise, you're just going to end up with a mess.

Exactly.

So if you're looking to emulate someone you admire,

don't just focus on what they do.

Try to understand why they do it.

What are their motivations?

What are their core values?

What are their principles that guide their actions?

Those are the real gems, you know.

Once you understand the why, you can start to adapt their habits in a way that makes sense for you and your own goals.

It's about finding inspiration, not just imitation.

Right.

Bingo.

Now, before we move on, I want to circle back to this idea of the many, the larger tribe or social group we identify with.

We talked about how powerful this pull of the tribe can be when it comes to shaping our habits.

Right.

And we even discussed that ash experiment, which showed how easily we can be swayed by group opinions even when we know they're wrong.

Yeah.

And that tendency to conform it has a huge impact on the habits we develop sometimes in ways we don't even realize.

So even if we have the best intentions, if our social circle isn't aligned with our goals, it can be really tough to stick with those positive changes.

It's like you're constantly swimming upstream.

It's a real struggle.

And that's why that awareness we talked about earlier is so important.

We need to recognize that this tendency to conform exists and be mindful of the social norms that are shaping our behavior.

So if you're trying to break a bad habit, one of the first things you might want to do is take stock of your social environment.

Are the people around you enabling that habit or are they supporting your efforts to change?

That's a great starting point.

And if you find that your social circle is hindering your progress, it might be time to seek out new influences.

You know, join a group that aligns with your goals, find a mentor who embodies the qualities you want to cultivate, or simply spend more time with the people in your life who already support your aspirations.

It's about being proactive and creating an environment that nudges you in the right direction.

Right, exactly.

Now I know we've been focusing a lot on how our social circles shape our habits, but what about the flip side?

Do our habits also influence the groups we belong to?

Oh, that's a good question.

It's like what comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Do our habits shape our social circles or do our social circles shape our habits?

Or is it some kind of crazy feedback loop?

It's kind of both.

You know, it's definitely a two -way street.

Our habits, they absolutely influence the groups we gravitate towards and the relationships we form.

Okay, so it's not just a one -way thing.

Yeah.

Like our habits shape our social circles, and then those social circles kind of reinforce those habits even more.

Exactly.

It's a feedback loop.

You know, it's like this self -perpetuating cycle.

Think about it.

If you're someone who prioritizes fitness and healthy eating, you're naturally going to be drawn to people who share those values.

You might join a gym, a hiking group, or start cooking healthy meals with friends.

And then being around those people makes those habits even stronger.

Exactly.

You're reinforcing those habits through your social interactions.

And on the flip side, if you have habits that are less healthy, let's say you spend a lot of time playing video games or indulging in unhealthy foods, you're more likely to connect with people who share those habits too.

So it's like we're drawn to people who are kind of like us in a way.

Yeah, I think that's a fair assessment.

Yeah.

We tend to gravitate towards people who validate our existing behaviors and beliefs.

It's human nature.

You know, we want to feel like we belong.

And that often means finding people who are on the same wavelength as us.

Okay, so this makes sense.

But it also kind of raises a bit of a dilemma, right?

Like, what happens if we want to change our habits, but our social circle isn't really on board with that?

That's a great point.

And it's something we definitely need to address.

Because the truth is, the normal behavior of the tribe often overpowers the desired behavior of the individual.

Wow, it's a powerful statement.

Yeah.

It's like saying that even if we have the best intentions, if our social environment isn't aligned with our goals, it's going to be really tough to make lasting changes.

It's the reality we need to acknowledge.

You know, we might want to eat healthier, exercise more or be more productive.

But if those behaviors aren't the norm within our tribe, we're constantly swimming against the tide.

So how do we overcome that?

Like, how do we break free from those social norms that are holding us back?

Well, it starts with awareness, you know, recognizing that this tendency to conform exists.

That's the first step.

Once we understand that we can start to make more conscious choices about the influences we allow into our lives.

Okay, so it's about being more mindful of who we're spending our time with and what messages we're absorbing from those interactions.

Exactly.

It's about surrounding ourselves with people who support our goals, who inspire us to be better versions of ourselves.

And if we can't completely change our existing social circles,

maybe we can try to create those little pockets of support within them, right?

Like finding that friend who also wants to work out or that colleague who's interested in learning a new skill.

Yeah, exactly.

It's about finding those little sparks of inspiration within our existing networks and also being open to expanding those networks.

You know, join a book volunteer for a cause you care about.

Take a class that interests you.

Put yourself out there and explore new environments where you might find your people.

It's about being proactive and creating those opportunities for a positive social influence to take root.

You got it.

And remember, even small changes can have a ripple effect.

So start small, be intentional and surround yourself with people who inspire you to be your best self.

That's such a great message to end on.

This has been such an insightful conversation.

We've talked about how our social circles shape our habits, how we can use that knowledge to our advantage and the importance of being mindful of the influences in our lives.

It's been a pleasure.

I always enjoy these deep dives.

They really make you think about things in a new light.

Me too.

And I think that's a good reminder for all of us to be curious, to explore new ideas and to never stop learning.

So as you go about your day to day, take a moment to reflect on the social influences in your life.

Are those influences helping you build the habits you want or are they holding you back?

And what can you do starting today to create a social environment that supports the best version of yourself?

It's something to think about.

That's all the time we have for today.

Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next time for another deep dive.