Chapter 3: Self-Awareness

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Welcome to The Deep Dive, your shortcut to being truly well -informed.

We distill key insights from articles, research, and expert notes.

Today, we're plunging into a topic that's, it's absolutely foundational for anyone looking to help others, self -awareness.

Let's maybe set the stage with a real -world scenario.

Imagine Emma,

a dedicated helper working with clients mandated to attend sessions, specifically those living with HIV.

Emma felt a huge sense of gratification when clients were engaged, truly involved.

She'd leave those sessions feeling like, okay, I made a real difference.

But then there were the others, the reluctant ones, maybe those with homophobic attitudes, who clearly didn't want to be there.

And Emma found herself not liking these clients, sometimes even getting angry.

Made her wonder, was she being fair?

How much do her own feelings, her own reactions, influence her ability to truly help?

And that's really the central question we're wrestling with today, isn't it?

How much of us gets in the way, or perhaps actually helps,

the helping process?

Yeah, Emma's experience perfectly illustrates this.

It's our core theme, really.

What's fascinating here is how profoundly who the helper is influences the entire process.

It's not just about techniques, it's about the person applying them.

And for this deep dive, which is tailored specifically for you, college students preparing for counseling and psychology practice, we're drawing insights mostly from Clara E.

Hill's excellent book, Helping Skills.

Our goal, our mission, if you like, is to give you practical, clear, and hopefully engaging insights into this vital skill.

And there's that Ram Dass quote, which just perfectly encapsulates the journey we're about to explore.

I help people to work on myself, and I work on myself to help people.

It really speaks to that continuous interconnected process that Ram Dass quote nails it.

But self -awareness, it can sound a bit fuzzy, can't it?

How do we, especially for our listeners training in psychology and counseling, really unpack what this multi -layered skill means in a practical sense?

It's a great question, because you're right, it sounds abstract, but it's anything but fuzzy in practice.

Leading researchers like Williams, Hayes, and Fothe have highlighted it for years.

They see self -awareness as intrinsically positive, absolutely essential for ethical practice, critical for skillful helping.

Think about just how a client might perceive you, maybe you're a big, imposing man, or a small, attractive woman.

Those initial perceptions matter right from the start, and we often use our own reactions as a kind of gauge for others, but it's so crucial to figure out.

Is my reaction purely personal, my own stuff, or is it genuinely client -driven?

Even something as simple as your mood, like being hungry, or sleepy, or just distracted, that can really influence the more than we sometimes admit.

That distinction is incredibly important, clarifies that self -awareness isn't just one single skill, is it?

Williams and colleagues, back in 2008, they actually broke it down into two main types.

You've got self -knowledge or self -insight, which is that more stable characteristic, the sort of enduring question of who am I?

And then there's heightened self -focus, the more in -the -moment state, asking what am I feeling right now?

Precisely.

And if we connect this to the bigger picture of in -the -moment self -awareness, an earlier study, Williams, Judge, Hill, and Hoffman in 97, clarified it even further into two forms.

So there's a facilitative self -awareness, that's when you're mindful and accepting of your thoughts and feelings as they pop up.

The goal there is just being fully present and emotionally available.

Then there's hindering or interfering self -awareness.

This is the one caused by anxieties about your skills, maybe worrying about being recorded or getting stuck ruminating over mistakes you think you made.

And this hindering type, well, not surprisingly, it's linked to negative feels about your own performance.

You see this a lot with beginners, right?

They get so distracted by thoughts like, oh no, what do I say next?

That they actually stop listening to their clients.

Wow, yeah.

So if that hindering self -awareness is kind of the enemy here, then the key takeaway must be to deliberately work on increasing the facilitative kind and actively decreasing the hindering stuff,

is bracketing the main tool for that.

Learning to set aside those distractions and negative self -talk to actually be present.

You've hit on a core truth there.

The goal is definitely to cultivate that deep presence by learning to bracket those internal distractions.

But, and this raises an important point,

can you ever fully achieve perfect self -awareness?

Probably not.

No, not completely.

It's more like an ongoing aspiration, something we all strive for throughout our lives.

It's not some fixed state you arrive at.

It's a lifelong process for helpers, something you'll keep revisiting and deepening through your whole career.

That exploration of in -the -moment self -awareness is vital, definitely.

But it naturally leads us back to that deeper question, who am I?

Let's really dig into that stable characteristic, because our core traits, our motivations, even our hidden biases,

they profoundly shape our ability to help, don't they?

Absolutely.

So, okay, what makes an effective helper?

Research by Hill and others and Summers and Barber points to a pretty clear set of core traits.

And these aren't just skills that are deeply rooted in self -awareness.

For instance, being truly non -judgmental requires you to constantly monitor your own biases and emotional reactions, right?

And empathic listening demands setting aside your own internal chatter to fully, truly receive the client's message.

Other qualities people talk about, hope, love, kindness, flexibility, curiosity, persistence, humility, even humor, they aren't superficial.

They actually foster flexible, open, reflective relationships.

It's really in cultivating self -awareness that these essential traits can flourish.

That's a great way to look at those traits.

But on the flip side, we also have characteristics that can actively hinder self -awareness and make helping well difficult.

Things like perfectionism and a lack of tolerance for ambiguity are huge obstacles, because let's face it, the helping world rarely gives you clear -cut, right answers.

So for all the professionals listening, and I sometimes include myself there, the helping world is definitely not the place for neat, tidy solutions.

And then there's defensiveness, or maybe an unwillingness to explore difficult topics, like sexual attraction or anger, or even our own biases.

These can make it incredibly hard to be open to painful or maybe taboo feelings, both in ourselves and in our clients.

Exactly.

And these hindering traits often pop up when we haven't fully explored our motivations, because at the end of the day, understanding why you want to help is profoundly important.

Those reasons inevitably influence the whole helping process.

You know, if your motivations are purely altruistic, you're probably going to act in the client's best interests.

But if they're about satisfying your own unexamined needs, or maybe making the client dependent on you, you could actually end up doing harm.

We see a real mix of other oriented motivations.

Lots of helpers genuinely want to make a difference, provide support, whether it's volunteering in a shelter, mentoring a student, or trying to reduce pain for teens struggling with identity or folks experiencing trauma.

Many are inspired by their own positive experiences in therapy, you know, wanting to give back.

Others are driven by a desire for social change, using their skills for advocacy or legislation or research.

Then there are self -oriented motivations, which importantly can be positive.

Many people are drawn to helping because it allows them to work through their own unresolved personal issues to grow or just find meaning and purpose.

Witnessing a client's hard work and personal growth can be incredibly energizing and fulfilling.

I remember one therapist sharing that just facilitating and seeing client growth was the best job in the world for them.

It can also be intellectually really challenging and provide a chance for profound self -reflection.

However, some self -oriented motivations are, well, less positive, maybe even unhealthy.

Some helpers might be needy themselves and see helping as a way to develop relationships.

Others might cast themselves as a savior, or maybe they seek to feel superior, or even desire power or authority over others.

These motivations, if they go unexamined, can be pretty dangerous.

They might prevent a helper from letting clients make their own choices or could even lead to contemptuous, seductive behavior.

The critical insight here, I think, is that while lots of motivations can lead us to helping without deep self -awareness to really scrutinize why we're doing this, even well -intentioned drives can inadvertently mess up the client's journey.

It's really about ensuring our inner why serves their growth, not our own unexamined needs.

Okay, now let's tackle a really crucial and often pretty challenging area that on all of this.

Awareness of biases,

or what we sometimes call our hot buttons.

These deeply personal issues, often rooted in stereotypes, and maybe even our innate human tendencies to favor in -groups, people like us, maybe suspicious of out -groups, people who seem different.

You mentioned neuroscience even suggests we might be sort of hardwired to prefer similar individuals, which makes bias a universal challenge we have to actively fight against.

Understanding these is paramount for ethical practice.

Precisely.

These hot buttons must be recognized so we don't inadvertently or even unconsciously mistreat clients.

Let's break some down.

Cultural biases are really common, especially if we haven't had much contact with other cultures.

We have to be aware to avoid perpetuating stereotypes and committing microaggressions.

Like think about a career counselor asking a black or Latinx high school student if they're ready for college, implying doubt, right?

Or referring an American -born Latinx student to a Spanish -speaking counselor when they might not need or want one.

Things like that can deeply damage the therapeutic relationship.

Another hot button trainees often admit to is difficulty with certain clients.

Maybe those who have committed serious crimes, or clients who express hostility, anger, or disrespect.

Trainees worry they just can't be open, non -judgmental, or empathic with those individuals, struggling to find compassion.

It's a real challenge.

Then there's counter -transference.

This is where biases stem directly from our own personal backgrounds.

So a helper might instinctively dislike, say, boisterous male clients because they remind them of an overbearing father.

Or maybe get really annoyed with dependent clients because of their own childhood experiences.

Your past literally walks into the room with you.

Beginning helpers also often struggle with clients perceived as too different from them, perhaps much older,

or holding vastly different values about politics, or gender equality, or racism.

And then a less acknowledged challenge is dealing with clients perceived as too similar.

It's actually easy to project onto clients who seem just like us.

We might assume we know their experience, or even fall into inappropriate self -disclosure.

Like, imagine a female college student helper projecting her own assertiveness issues onto a client who's having roommate problems.

She might shut down the client's unique exploration instead of addressing their specific needs.

Wow.

Okay, so what does this all mean for you as an aspiring helper listening to this?

How do we actually increase this crucial self -awareness?

How do we move from just understanding it to actively cultivating it?

Okay, good question.

We have several key strategies.

Probably the ideal place to start is personal psychotherapy.

It's not just a place to resolve your own problems, though it helps with that too.

It's also an invaluable learning experience about yourself, your motivations, potential interferences, and even what the helping process feels like from the client's side.

Think of seeking therapy as a strength, definitely not a weakness, for anyone going into this field.

Then there's self -reflection.

This can take many forms.

Things like journaling your thoughts and feelings, practicing yoga to cultivate presence, or even taking the implicit attitudes test.

You can find it online at implicit .harvard .edu just to get a peek at potential unconscious biases.

Mindfulness is incredibly helpful too.

It's basically about non -judgmentally attending to your present experience.

Physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, with warmth and acceptance.

Even simple practices like focusing on your breath for a few minutes are excellent preparation for truly listening to clients without your own agenda getting in the way.

We also encourage guided self -inquiry.

Ask yourself questions like, when have I felt this way before?

With whom have I felt this way before?

What was the situation exactly?

And why did I feel that way?

This helps you trace the roots of your feelings.

And finally, a really crucial aspect of this is increasing self -compassion.

This just means accepting yourself as an imperfect, striving human being, someone with both positive and negative feelings and motivations.

It's about being kind to yourself through this ongoing and, yeah, often challenging process of self -discovery.

That's a great toolkit for personal growth, definitely.

But what about in the session?

When you're right there with a client and you feel that hindering self -awareness creeping in, maybe you start feeling critical or inept or just totally distracted, what do you do then?

Ah, yes, the in the moment stuff.

That's a session use.

One strategy is to actively interrupt interfering thoughts.

If you notice yourself feeling critical or anxious or just blocked,

pause, literally just pause, take a deep breath, maybe focus on your breathing for a second.

You can even say something simple like, hmm, or let me take a moment to think about that, to slow things down, then practice some positive self -talk internally and consciously return the focus to the client.

Maybe ask how they're feeling right then or reflect something they just said.

Returning to those basic techniques helps pull you back from that hindering self -focus.

Now, if a strong feeling emerges, maybe anger or a sudden loss of empathy, and you don't immediately understand where it's coming from, just make a mental note of it.

Try to let it go for the moment.

Just park it and continue the session.

Process it afterward to understand its origin and figure out how to handle it if it comes up again.

And it's okay to even say, sorry, I lost focus there for a minute.

Could you please repeat what you just said?

Clients usually appreciate the honesty.

Also, do a quick body scan.

Ask yourself, what is my body telling me right now?

Physiological reactions like muscle tension, fatigue, even an urgent need to fidget or leave can be really valuable clues about your underlying emotional state.

Experienced helpers also develop what some call double -track awareness and bracketing.

They learn to simultaneously pay attention to the client and monitor their own reactions.

Bracketing, as we mentioned, is that skill of consciously setting aside your personal events or issues to fully focus on the client.

But it's really important to recognize that if your personal issues are significant, maybe you're going through a crisis you might not be able to bracket effectively.

And that can be dangerous for the client.

There was one example of a helper whose teenage son was constantly pushing boundaries.

She found it incredibly difficult to work with similar teenage clients because she couldn't maintain her own sense of boundaries with them.

Her personal stuff was just too loud.

Okay, so beyond these personal practices, what external support systems are really vital for this ongoing journey of self -awareness?

Professionally, supervision is absolutely paramount.

Consulting regularly with a trained supervisor provides an ideal, safe space to sort out whether your feelings are primarily personal or client -stimulated or maybe a bit of both.

And reviewing your sessions, whether that means playing back audio recordings or maybe even transcribing parts of them, allows you to slow the whole process down.

It lets you deeply analyze your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and the client's reactions in a way you just can't do in real time.

It offers incredible insight.

And finally, underlying all of this, the fundamental bedrock, self -care, seems obvious, but maybe it isn't always prioritized.

You'd be surprised.

The importance of a healthy lifestyle cannot be overstated.

Things like getting adequate sleep, eating reasonably well, getting some exercise, and nurturing strong interpersonal relationships outside of work.

These are essential components of self -care.

As Freud kind of suggested,

balance is the key integrating love and work in our lives, finding that equilibrium so we can actually be present and effective as helpers.

You can't pour from an empty cup, right?

Right.

And using these inner experiences as a tool, it helps helpers make better decisions, avoid acting out their own stuff, and even gain clues about how others might perceive their clients.

Like, if you're feeling bored when a client talks in a really flat, monotone voice, chances are other people in their life might feel that way, too.

That's useful information.

And crucially, you learn to distinguish between client -caused reactions and helper -caused reactions, like you said.

If you have the same strong feeling with lots and lots of different clients, or even people in your personal life, it's probably your issue that he's looking at.

And that's precisely why it's so crucial to be genuine.

To acknowledge your feelings, human, after all, but always.

Always align your responses with the goals and intentions of the helping process.

Avoid using the therapeutic space to meet your own needs.

We have real feelings, yes, but those feelings must ultimately serve the client's journey, not ours.

And the research backs this up, too.

Like, that key study by Hill and colleagues back in 2007 on journaling, it powerfully confirmed the challenges novice trainees face.

Things like self -criticism, anxiety, managing difficult reactions, struggling with insight skills, it's all part of the process.

But importantly, it also highlighted the games made, showing that practices like journaling and supervision lead to trainees becoming less self -critical over time, more skilled, and better able to genuinely connect.

It truly underscores the value of doing this work.

So, wrapping this up, what does this all mean for you, our listener, as you embark on or continue your own helping journey?

Well, to recap, self -awareness is really multifaceted.

It covers both who you fundamentally are, your stable traits in history, and what you feel moment to moment.

It absolutely requires understanding your motivations and biases.

And remember, this isn't a one -time achievement.

It's a foundational skill that develops through ongoing self -reflection, maybe personal therapy, and definitely professional support like supervision.

It's truly a lifelong process of growth.

And maybe here's a final provocative thought for you to chew on.

Consider that nuanced balance between being genuinely yourself as a helper, with all your feelings, your reactions, your humanity, and simultaneously maintaining professional boundaries and therapeutic goals.

How do you embrace your authentic self, letting your humanity enrich the helping relationship, while ensuring the client's growth remains the absolute paramount focus?

How do you make sure your personal issues don't inadvertently define or derail their work?

That's the tightrope, isn't it?

Thank you so much for joining us on this deep dive into self -awareness and helping skills.

And a warm thank you from us, your guides on the deep dive, and the whole last minute lecture team.