Chapter 6: Skills for Providing Support

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Welcome to the deep dive.

You know that feeling when you walk into a room and just, well, feel the mood.

Or you know exactly how someone's doing without them saying a word.

Yeah, it's like this whole other conversation is happening underneath the surface.

Exactly.

And I heard this amazing story, maybe you've heard it too,

about these college students.

Oh, the professor one.

Yes.

They basically use nonverbal cues, you know, looking super engaged when he moved one way, then totally zoning out, coughing, rustling papers when he went the other way.

And he just drifted right over.

Until he literally fell off the stage.

It just perfectly shows the power of this silent language we're diving into today.

It really does.

So our mission today is to unpack two really core skills for anyone in the helping professions,

attending and listening.

And we're leaning heavily on Clare E.

Hill's book, Helping Skills, which is pretty much essential reading.

Right.

Think of this as digging into that back channel of communication.

It's the, you know, the oil that makes the whole helping interaction run smoothly, especially for you if you're preparing for counseling or psychology practice.

Absolutely.

Foundational stuff.

So what's on the agenda?

We'll define attending and listening.

Look at the specific

nonverbals, the paravverbals, how we sound, and even those tiny verbal nods.

And crucially, culture, how that shapes everything.

Definitely.

We'll wrap up with some real examples, good and bad, to make it all concrete.

Sounds good.

OK, so let's start unpacking.

Attending and listening.

They sound similar, but what's the actual difference in a helping context?

Well, they're linked, but distinct.

Attending is more about the physical side of it, how you orient yourself towards the client.

Like literally turning your body towards them.

Yeah, exactly.

Your posture, eye contact, just showing them nonverbally, I'm here, I'm focused on you.

The goal is really to communicate genuine attention.

To make them feel safe, valued.

Precisely.

Comfortable enough to actually talk.

It's the bedrock, the nonverbal and paraverbal foundation for everything else we do as Hopers.

And it can give things away, too, right?

Like if you're bored.

Oh, definitely.

That unconscious foot tapping, maybe a little sigh you didn't mean to let out, that's nonverbal linkage.

It shows what you might be trying to hide.

So attending is showing up physically,

signaling your present.

But listening,

that's more internal, right?

That's about actually taking in what they're saying.

Exactly.

Listening is the active part of capturing, and more importantly, understanding the client's messages.

Both what they say outright, the explicit stuff, and what's underneath, the implicit meaning.

I think I read about listening with the third ear.

Yes, that's Theodore Rieck's idea.

It's about weaving together the words, the tone, the body language, everything to grasp what the client really means.

Often on a deeper level they might not even be fully aware of yet.

Okay, so you can attend physically, look the part, but your mind could be somewhere else entirely.

Absolutely.

Attending sets the stage, creates the possibility for listening, but it doesn't guarantee it.

Listening,

though, that provides the actual content, the raw material we need to form helpful responses.

You can't really be helpful if you haven't truly heard them.

It's very difficult.

You might listen without being particularly helpful, maybe you just reflect back facts, but being helpful without listening, almost impossible.

We know someone's listening when their responses actually reflect what the client shared.

So these two skills together, they're what build that initial connection, that trust.

They're the absolute building blocks for rapport and creating that safe container for exploration.

Critical stuff.

Okay, let's get practical.

The non -verbal side.

You called it the non -verbal orchestra.

I like that.

These are the things that never show up on a session transcript, but can make or break the connection.

Right.

And the formal term here is kinesics.

It's basically the study of body movement communication.

Kinesics.

Got it.

And within that, there are different types.

You have emblems, which are direct substitutes for words, a wave for hello, a thumbs up.

Simple enough.

Then illustrators.

These go along with speech, like using your hands to show how big something was or pointing while giving directions.

And regulators manage the conversation flow, head nods, slight shifts in posture that signal your turn or keep going.

Okay.

Those seem pretty positive or neutral.

Mostly.

But then there are adapters.

And this is key for new helpers.

These are the habitual things we do, often unconsciously.

Scratching, fidgeting with a pen, playing with hair.

The things that show you're maybe nervous or bored.

Exactly.

They don't really serve a communicative purpose in the interaction.

And worse, they can be really distracting.

They signal discomfort or lack of attention.

This is prime territory for that non -verbal leakage we mentioned.

Good to be aware of those.

So let's take through some specific behaviors from Hill's work.

Eye contact first.

Right.

Crucial for initiating and maintaining connection.

It conveys interest, intimacy,

sometimes dominance.

So you have to be careful.

The windows to the soul idea.

Kind of.

But it's a balance.

Too little feels dismissive.

Too much feels like staring, which can be intimidating.

And culture plays a huge role here, doesn't it?

You mentioned Native American groups earlier where direct eye contact might be disrespectful.

Absolutely.

That's a perfect example.

What feels like respectful attention in one culture can feel completely rude or challenging in another.

Helpers have to be sensitive to this and not just default to their own norms.

Okay, so beyond eyes.

Facial expression.

Hugely important.

Darwin talked about its evolutionary roots.

Think about mother -infant communication.

It's all face -based initially.

Lady Macbeth's Your Face is as a book.

Exactly.

While some expressions seem universal, smiling for happiness, crying for distress, the intensity, the display rules, very culturally.

And for helpers, a warning about too much smiling.

Yes.

Constant smiling can come across as insincere or like you're minimizing the client's pain.

Aim for warmth and attentiveness, not necessarily cheerfulness, especially when dealing with difficult emotions.

What about head nods?

Good when used appropriately.

A nod at the end of a client's sentence signals, I hear you, keep going.

But again, moderation.

Too many nods is distracting, like a bobble head.

Too few can feel cold.

It's finding that natural rhythm.

It feels like it's not just the face, but the whole way you hold yourself.

Totally.

Which brings us to body posture.

The general advice is a slight lean towards the client.

An open posture, arms and legs generally uncrossed.

It signals engagement.

Avoid looking too stiff.

Or slouching.

Right.

Rigidity can signal anxiety.

Slouching suggests boredom or lack of energy.

Just aim for relaxed, but attentive.

And other body movements gestures.

You mentioned Freud.

Ah yes, the chatters with his fingertips.

It highlights how feelings leak out, especially through less consciously controlled parts like legs and feet.

Jiggling feet, for instance.

What about hand gestures?

Steepling fingers?

Crossed arms?

Steepling can signal confidence, maybe contemplation.

Crossed arms often reads as defensive or closed off, though it can sometimes just be comfortable for the person.

We also see synchrony sometimes.

Like mirroring.

Exactly.

When the helper and client subtly match each other's movements, it's often linked to good rapport.

Interesting.

Okay, what about spacing?

How close or far should you be?

This is proxemics.

Edward Hall outlined different zones.

In helping, we're typically in the personal to social distance range.

Say, one and a half to four feet.

Close enough to connect, but not so close it feels intrusive.

Precisely.

Too far feels detached.

But again, huge cultural variations.

Some cultures, like many Hispanic or Middle Eastern ones, are comfortable much closer than, say, Americans or Brits generally are.

Which leads directly to the topic of touching.

Yes.

And the big bold rule for beginning helpers is basically,

don't.

Unless maybe a standard handshake is culturally expected and appropriate.

Why such a strong rule?

Touch can be comforting, right?

It can be.

It can offer support, human connection.

But the risks are just too high, especially early on.

It can invade personal space, trigger trauma related to unwanted touch, be misinterpreted sexually or otherwise, and honestly, it can lead to complaints or even lawsuits.

So best to avoid it entirely as a beginner.

Absolutely.

Experienced helpers might use touch occasionally, but only with extreme care, usually with discussion, consent, and clear therapeutic rationale.

It's not something to take lightly.

OK, that covers a lot about what our bodies are saying.

But what about how we speak, the sound itself, the paravirbal stuff?

Immensely important.

Your tone of voice carries so much emotional information.

Think about a soft, gentle, inviting tone versus a loud, sharp, demanding one.

Which one makes you want to open up?

The gentle one, obviously.

Right.

Matching the client's pace generally helps, too.

If they speak slowly, you slow down.

If they're racing, sometimes gently slowing your own pace can help ground them.

It contributes to perceived empathy.

And grammatical style.

This is about meeting the client where they are linguistically.

You want to roughly match their vocabulary and way of speaking.

It builds rapport.

You gave that example earlier, avoiding clinical jargon.

Exactly.

If the client says,

I'm really down,

you wouldn't respond with,

ah, you're exhibiting symptoms of clinical depression.

You'd say something like, sounds like you're feeling really down.

It's about adapting respectfully without faking it or losing your professional integrity.

Makes sense.

And then there are those little verbal cues, the ums and ahs, that sort of grease the wheels of conversation.

Yes, the minimal verbal behaviors.

Let's start with minimal encouragers.

Like, mm -mm, yeah, okay.

Exactly.

Wow.

Simple sounds are words that signal you're listening, you're tracking, and you encourage them to continue without interrupting their flow.

Timing is key, usually best at the end of their thought or sentence.

Not too many, not too few.

Right.

Then there's approval reassurance.

This one's tricky.

Because our instinct might be to say, that's great.

Or, don't worry.

Precisely.

And sometimes a little reassurance is okay.

That sounds really tough.

Or, it's understandable you'd feel that way.

It can normalize feelings and show empathy.

But when is it bad?

It's bad if it minimizes their feelings.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Denies their reality, shuts down exploration, you'll be fine.

Offers moral judgment.

Or, and this is important if the helper does it, to manage their own anxiety about the client's distress.

You mentioned the Beth example.

Right.

Beth says she wants more control.

Helper jumps in with, wow, that's great, thinking she's being supportive.

But Beth had just been fired.

The reassurance totally missed the mark and stopped her from exploring the pain of losing control.

Oh, yeah.

So true empathy isn't always about making them feel better immediately.

Often it's about sitting with the discomfort with them.

Okay.

What about disclosures of similarities?

Sharing something about yourself?

This comes from a more humanistic perspective.

The idea of therapist transparency.

Sharing a brief, relevant similarity can help a client feel less alone.

Like, oh, someone else gets it.

It fosters universality.

But there are big caveats, right?

Huge ones.

It must be short.

It must be focused on the client's need, not yours.

It should generally be about a past issue that you've resolved.

And critically, it's not a competition.

Never.

You think that's bad.

Let me tell you.

Got it.

Keep it brief, relevant, client focused and resolved.

Exactly.

Now, mostly we want to avoid interruptions.

Let the client talk, especially when they're digging into something meaningful.

Give them space.

Pause after they finish speaking.

But sometimes you have to interrupt.

Sometimes, yes.

These are strategic interruptions.

Maybe the client is rambling endlessly without focus, or stuck on a superficial point, or perhaps talking nonstop in a way that feels overwhelming or avoids deeper feeling.

How do you do that without derailing them?

Gently.

Excuse me for interrupting.

I just want to make sure I'm following her.

Can we pause here for a moment?

I heard you mention X, and I wonder if we could explore that a bit more.

It's about gentle redirection back to productive exploration.

Okay.

And the last one.

Silence.

Can feel awkward, but it's powerful.

Very powerful.

Silence isn't just dead air.

It can convey deep empathy, respect.

It gives the client space to think, feel,

process, find their own words.

Saying nothing is not necessarily doing nothing.

That's the key phrase.

It allows you as the helper to truly listen without constantly planning your next response, especially helpful when you're starting out.

But silence used badly out of anxiety or boredom.

Yeah, then it's just awkward or disconnecting.

And again, culture matters.

Comfort levels with silence vary a lot.

Some East Asian cultures are often more comfortable with silence in conversation than many Western cultures.

Like the example of the client grieving their dog.

Yes.

The helper used silence strategically,

allowing the client to go deeper into their feelings about loss,

connecting it back to childhood experiences.

It was the silence that created the space for that.

Wow.

Okay.

We've covered a ton of specific behaviors, but that cultural piece seems to weave through everything.

How do we navigate that complexity?

The most crucial overlay.

Because these nonverbal rules, eye contact, space, touch, even churn taking, they're learned so early, mostly unconsciously, and they differ so much across cultures.

Like greetings or how praise is given.

Exactly.

In some Asian cultures, direct praise might cause discomfort because humility is highly valued.

Direct eye contact, as we said, can be problematic in some indigenous cultures.

Churn taking rules differ.

So what's the takeaway for a helper?

Adaptation, not judgment.

You must try to adapt your style to fit the clients, taking cues from them.

Don't expect them to conform to your cultural norms and never judge their behavior based on your own background.

Observe how they react to your nonverbal.

Yes.

Be observant.

Be flexible.

There's no single right way to do nonverbals.

The only right way is what helps that specific client feel comfortable and able to explore.

It feels like a lot to keep in mind, especially when you're new.

How do you make it feel natural and not like you're just ticking boxes off a checklist?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

The key is to relax and be natural but professional.

It's not about forcing some rigid, correct posture if it makes you feel awkward.

Because that awkwardness will come through anyway.

Absolutely.

You need to actually be relaxed or as relaxed as possible.

When these skills are integrated genuinely, clients feel it and respond.

It becomes less about technique and more about authentic presence.

And paying attention to your own reactions.

Huge self -awareness.

If you feel your muscles tense up or you feel yourself mentally drifting or getting bored,

those are important signals about what's happening in the dynamic, maybe something the client is bringing up or something about your own response.

And keeping the client's perspective front and center.

Always.

Trying to imagine yourself in their shoes, feeling what they might be feeling, understanding from their frame of reference, like that example of Kathleen being devastated about the prom.

The helper's own adult perspective didn't matter.

What mattered was understanding Kathleen's teenage world.

And finally, just listen.

Listen without formulating, especially when the client is actively exploring.

Resist the urge to plan your brilliant intervention.

Just be present and hear them.

Saying nothing is often better than interrupting good work.

OK, let's make this really concrete.

Can you walk us through these examples that the bad, the poor and the good, starting with egregiously inappropriate?

Right.

Picture this.

Helper leans back, arms crossed, avoids eye contact, looks at the ceiling, impatiently asks, so why did you come in today?

Ouch.

Client very softly, well, I don't know, just not feeling good about myself, not sure you can help.

Helper leans forward, suddenly stares, well, what's happening then?

Client pauses, starts, I just don't know how to.

Helper cuts in, just tell me the problem.

Oh my gosh.

Long pause from the client,

then.

I guess I have nothing to say, sorry I wasted your time.

Session over, client feels dismissed, unheard, totally shut down.

Yeah, that's clearly terrible.

What about the poor example where the intention might be better, but it still misses?

Okay, Helper again leans back, arms folded maybe, hello, what brings you here?

Client softly again,

not sure,

not feeling good about myself,

don't know if you can help.

Same opening.

Helper immediately jumps in, oh yeah, I get it, it was hard for me my first time too.

You're probably anxious talking to a guy, huh?

Making assumptions, inappropriate self -disclosure.

Totally.

Client pauses, tries again.

Well actually no, I'm just not sure if I should come out or not, Helper interrupts again.

Glad you came in, takes time, but you'll feel comfortable soon.

Client just deflates.

Yeah, I guess,

silence.

Ugh, the Helper's own stuff is getting in the way, they aren't actually listening to the client's real issue.

Exactly, good intentions, poor execution, opportunity lost.

Okay, so paint the picture of appropriate, what does good attending and listening look like in that same scenario?

Alright, Helper sits openly, maybe leaning slightly forward, calm eye contact.

Warmly.

Hi,

my name is Debbie, we have some time to talk today, what would you like to discuss?

Setting a welcoming tone.

Client, soft voice.

Well,

I'm not sure,

just haven't been feeling very good about myself lately, but

I don't know if you can help me.

Okay.

Helper matches the soft tone, maybe leans in slightly more.

Yeah, you sound kind of scared, tell me a little bit more about what's been going on lately.

Uses an open question.

Inviting exploration.

Quiet shares.

I've been kind of down, not sleeping or eating much,

behind on everything, no energy for school work.

Helper pauses thoughtfully,

reflects the feeling, sounds like you feel overwhelmed.

Validating the feeling.

Client sighs, relief in their voice.

Yes, that's exactly it, so much pressure, first year of college.

Helper gives a simple, quiet,

minimal encourager.

I mean, maybe with a slight nod.

Just enough to show they're listening and encourage more.

Exactly.

And the client continues talking, feeling heard, feeling safe enough to go deeper.

That's the difference.

It's about creating that space through genuine presence and responsive, minimal input.

That really brings it all together, what a contrast.

It really highlights how these seemingly small things add up to create the entire therapeutic environment.

So, wrapping up our deep dive today,

attending and listening, they're the absolute bedrock skills, aren't they?

Foundational, often nonverbal, creating safety, building rapport, allowing clients the space they need to explore.

And we hit on the specifics, kinesics, proxemics, paravverbals, minimal verbals, but always with that crucial overlay of cultural sensitivity.

Yeah, adapting to the client is key.

And remembering to be natural, be present, not just technically correct.

It's about genuine connection.

So, maybe a final thought for you to ponder.

If communication really is like a dance,

how much are you focused on truly being present with your partner, just feeling the music and moving together?

And how much are you busy planning your next fancy step, trying to impress or lead?

Right.

And what might change, not just in your future practice, but in all your conversations, if you consciously try to shift that balance more towards just being present?

Something to think about.

Well, thank you for joining us on this deep dive.

We really hope this look at attending and listening gives you some practical tools and insights.

Yeah, things you can carry into your work and honestly into your life.

Until next time, keep listening, keep learning, and keep diving deep.