Chapter 5: The United States of Me

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Okay, let's unpack this.

Welcome everyone to the Deep Dive.

Hello.

Today you sent over a whole brainchild and it looks fascinating.

Really promises a look inside.

Well, ourselves.

That's right.

We're diving into the ideas in the chapter called the United States of Me, integrating the many parts of the self.

Right.

And the goal today, as I understand it, is to really get into how understanding our inner world and helping kids understand theirs.

Yeah, how that's just key foundational really for well -being, for resilience.

For navigating things.

Exactly.

And this material, it offers some genuinely powerful concepts and practical strategies too.

Yeah, I'm excited because it feels very hands -on.

We're gonna talk about this model for picturing the mind.

The wheel of awareness.

Right.

And then the science, how our attention can like actually sculpt our brain.

Neuroplasticity.

Yeah.

It's incredible stuff.

And then the really useful bit, actionable strategies you can use right away.

It really all starts with this core idea the source introduces,

mindsight.

Mindsight.

Okay, break that down for us.

What is that exactly?

Well, simply put, mindsight is just our human capacity to understand our own mind.

Yeah.

To actually see what's going on inside.

Okay.

And the authors really stress that this is like the starting point for mental health, for well -being, having that clarity, that insight into your own inner experience.

So it's kind of like being an observer of your own thoughts and feelings, stepping back a bit.

Exactly that.

It's the ability to witness your inner world.

And to help us visualize it, the source gives us this great model, the wheel of awareness.

The wheel of awareness.

Okay, like a bicycle wheel.

You mentioned that.

Precisely.

Picture your mind just like a bicycle wheel.

Right at the center, that's the hub.

The hub.

That's your place of awareness.

The observing eye.

That core sense of self that can just be aware.

Got it.

The observer seat.

And this relates to a specific brain area, doesn't it?

Yes.

The hub is strongly connected to the prefrontal cortex, that really important executive part of our brain.

Right.

The part that manages things.

Yeah.

It helps integrate information from all the other parts.

It lets us see the bigger picture, make conscious choices, connect deeply.

That pure awareness, that ability to observe without getting instantly swept away, that's at the hub.

Okay, makes sense.

Prefrontal cortex helps integrate.

So if the hub is the observer, what's the rim?

Ah, the rim.

That's everything you can observe.

Everything you can possibly become aware of or turn your attention towards.

So like thoughts, feelings.

Thoughts, feelings, memories, desires, yeah.

But also your perception of the outside world through your senses.

And importantly, the physical sensations in your body.

So the rim is this huge landscape of everything I could potentially notice inside and out.

Exactly.

The whole range of experiences available to your awareness.

And the spokes.

What do they do?

The spokes are the connections.

They link the hub, your central awareness, to specific points out there on the rim that you're currently paying attention to.

Think of a spoke as like the beam of your attention flashlight going from the center out to notice a specific thought or a sound or a feeling.

So from the hub, my attention travels down a spoke to focus on, say, a worry that's sitting out there on the rim.

Precisely.

From that central, calm place of awareness, you can choose intentionally to focus on different points around the rim.

Okay, but here's where it gets tricky, right?

And maybe where things go off track sometimes.

The force talks about getting stuck on the rim.

Yes.

This is such a common experience.

What does that actually mean, getting stuck?

It means your awareness gets kind of glued to just one or a few points on that rim.

You lose sight of the whole wheel.

Like focusing only on a could be a worry.

Yeah.

Or an intense feeling like anger or maybe a really critical thought about yourself.

When you're stuck, you become consumed by those few points.

You forget everything else.

And what happens then when you're stuck like that?

Well, it often leads to feeling either really rigid, like trapped by that one thought or feeling or totally chaotic, just overwhelmed by it.

And you start identifying completely with that limited experience.

This is where that crucial confusion happens, especially for kids.

Mistaking a temporary feel for a permanent am.

Oh, right.

The classic, I feel frustrated right now gets twisted into I am stupid.

Exactly.

The source uses that really powerful example of the nine -year -old struggling with her homework.

Yeah.

She feels frustrated, maybe inadequate in that moment.

But if she gets stuck on the rim, fixated on those feelings, it's not just I feel stupid.

It becomes I am stupid.

Wow.

She takes this temporary state like a cloud passing in the sky, right?

And makes it her whole identity.

But if you're operating from the hub, you can see those feelings as just parts,

not the whole story.

That is the power of the hub.

From that center, you can notice the frustration, notice the thought I'm stupid, and see them as just points on the rim.

Experiences you are having, not the sum total of who you are.

You're the observer of them.

Not defined by them.

Exactly.

This really comes alive with Josh's story in the chapter, the successful kid who was secretly struggling.

Yeah, Josh, 11 years old, looked great on the outside, very capable, excelling.

But inside, he was wrestling with intense self -doubt, really harsh perfectionism.

And it was tied to something deeper.

The source connects it back to a very early implicit memory.

His father left after his parents' divorce when he was just an infant.

Subconsciously, he'd linked not being perfect with that abandonment, a huge burden for a kid.

So he was completely stuck on these rim points.

I have to be perfect.

I should have done better.

I'm not good enough.

Just consumed by them.

Totally.

His awareness was just locked onto those points related to performance and this deep underlying fear.

It created constant anxiety, relentless self -criticism.

So learning about mind, sight, and the wheel, how did that help him?

It gave him a map, a way to see those thoughts and feelings, not as all of him, but just as parts, as specific points on the rim he was, you know, hyper -focused on.

And from the hub, he could get some distance, some perspective.

Yes.

From the hub, he could see, wow, I'm directing all my energy here to these critical points.

The wheel showed him he could come back to the center, see the bigger picture of himself.

And choose differently.

And choose to direct his attention elsewhere, to integrate other parts of himself that were also true.

Like his real talent in music, his intelligence.

I mean, he was successful, his ability to feel joy, his simple desire to just relax and have fun sometimes.

Things he'd been totally sacrificing for this perfectionism.

Right.

The therapist, Tina, helped him see how important it was to integrate all these parts so that drive didn't just crush everything else.

So it wasn't about getting rid of the drive, but balancing it.

Putting it in context with the rest of him.

That's it.

Mind, sight didn't magically erase the perfectionism, but it gave him agency, power.

He could make small choices, like actually scheduling time to hang out with friends or play music just for fun.

And those choices started to shift things.

Little by little.

Yeah.

Because he was actively choosing where to put his attention.

And that's crucial because, well, this isn't just a nice metaphor.

Right.

This is where the science comes in.

The source makes a really strong link between directing attention and like actual physical brain changes.

This is where it gets so exciting.

Why does choosing where to focus matter so much?

It's neuroplasticity.

The brain isn't fixed.

It's when you intentionally direct your attention, you're creating a specific kind of experience that literally alters your brain's activity and its structure.

So when I focus on something, my brain cells, they fire up.

They fire up.

Specific neurons become active.

And the famous saying holds true.

Neurons that fire together, wire together.

They build stronger connections.

Exactly.

The firing triggers protein production that builds new connections, strengthens the pathways between those neurons that just fired.

So the more I focus on something, the more those neural networks get reinforced, thicker, faster.

This whole process, firing, growing, strengthening connections is neuroplasticity.

Your brain is physically changing based on where you choose to direct your attention.

Wow.

And there's solid evidence for this.

Oh, absolutely.

The source gives great examples.

Animals trained on hearing tasks get bigger auditory centers in the brain.

Right.

Violinists, they have measurably larger areas in their cortex representing the fingers of their left hand because that's where all the focus goes.

And the taxi drivers.

With their enlarged hippocampi for spatial memory, it's clear what we focus on shapes the physical architecture of our brains.

Which brings us to Jason,

the six -year -old and the terrifying ceiling fan.

Jason's story is such a clear example of this whole thing in action.

He had this intense, completely irrational fear that the ceiling fan over his bed would fall on him at night.

Even though his parents tried logic.

They tried everything, explaining how secure it was.

But his downstairs brain, that primal fear center.

Was just overriding everything.

Totally overriding his rational upstairs brain.

He was absolutely stuck on the rim point of that terrifying image and feeling, consumed by it.

So Mindsight on the Wheel helped him how?

It gave them a new approach.

They helped him get back to his hub, his awareness center, by first just noticing the physical sensations linked to the fear.

Like the tight chest, racing heart.

Exactly.

Those were other rim points connected to the fear.

So first step, just become aware of them.

Okay.

So he noticed the sensations,

then what?

Then from his hub, that observing place, he could recognize the fear and the feelings with it.

And then choose to gently shift his attention.

Away from the fear.

Towards other rim points.

Like feeling safe with his parents nearby or remembering happy things.

Like digging a hole with his dad or using calming imagery.

Like picturing himself fishing peacefully.

And just by practicing that shift, he was changing his brain.

Physically.

That's the amazing part.

It wasn't just a distraction.

By repeatedly practicing shifting focus away from the fear circuits, towards calmer circuits, safety, happy memories, visualization.

Jason's neurons were firing and wiring in new ways.

Neuroplasticity in action.

Literally.

It changed the pathways in his brain.

Made him less vulnerable to that specific fear, sure.

But also gave him a tool.

A skill for managing future fears or excessive thoughts.

So Mindsight understanding his inner world, directing his focus, it genuinely helped rewire his brain.

A tool for life.

It's incredibly empowering, isn't it?

It moves you from feeling pushed around by these internal forces to actively shaving them.

And Jason shows even young kids can start doing this.

Which leads us right into the practical stuff.

How do we actually use these ideas?

Mindsight the wheel, neuroplasticity to help kids, and maybe ourselves, get back to the hub when we're stuck.

Right.

The source gives us several really helpful whole brain strategies.

Strategy number eight is called let the clouds of emotions roll by.

I like that image.

Clouds.

It's very effective.

The core idea is helping kids see feelings as temporary states.

Like whether that changes, clouds passing by.

Not permanent parts of who they are.

Exactly.

And the source of the idea is to keep feeding it with thoughts often naturally lasts only about 90 seconds.

90 seconds.

That feels doable.

It does, right?

So just teaching kids that feelings pass sadness, anger, fear, they won't last forever.

That's huge.

It helps them avoid getting stuck on the rim of that feeling.

It reinforces that I feel sad right now versus I am a sad person.

Precisely.

That boy who corrected himself from I'm dumb to I just feel dumb right now.

That's the concept clicking into place.

Even little kids can grasp that feelings come and go.

Okay strategy eight.

Emotions are like clouds.

Now step strategy nine.

SIFT.

SIFT is a brilliant tool for just becoming aware of what's actually on your rim at any given moment.

It's an acronym to help you check in with four key parts of your inner experience.

Okay let's break down SIFT.

S is for?

Sensations.

The physical feelings in your body.

Like hunger, tension.

Hunger, tension, butterflies, a knot in your chest.

Feeling jittery or relaxed.

Helping kids just notice these bodily clues is really powerful.

If you notice tension that's the first step to maybe trying to relax it.

Got it.

Body signals.

Next I is for?

Images.

The mental pictures that pop up.

Memories.

Imagine stuff.

Memories, daydreams, imagined fears like the child picturing being lonely at recess.

Just becoming aware of these images, naming them as images can lessen their grip.

Okay F is for?

Feelings.

The emotions themselves.

Right.

And this strategy encourages helping kids get more specific than just fine or bad.

Help them build a richer emotional vocabulary.

Are you disappointed?

Jealous, excited, irritated, joyful.

See the whole rainbow of feelings.

Yeah parents can model this too.

Like wow if that happened to me I think I'd feel mad and maybe a little disappointed too.

Expanding their emotional language.

Yeah.

Okay and finally T is for?

Thoughts.

This is the internal narrative.

The self -talk, the commentary running in our minds.

More the left brain chatter.

Teach kids to just notice their thoughts and critically that they don't have to believe every thought that pops into their head especially the negative one.

Like the girl with the sunburn correcting her so stupid thought.

Exactly.

Reminding herself actually everyone forgets things sometimes.

It's noticing the thought and choosing not to fuse with it.

Sift really seems to show how interconnected everything is inside.

Totally.

Sensations affect feelings.

Feelings affect thoughts and images.

Thoughts affect sensations.

It's all woven together creating our state of mind.

Stifting helps you see that pattern.

And the source suggests making it kind of a game.

Yeah make it accessible.

The sift game in the car is a great example.

Just casually go through it.

What sensations are you noticing?

Any pictures in your mind?

How are you feeling?

What thoughts are popping up?

My legs feel wiggly.

I'm seeing grandma's cookies.

Feeling excited.

Thinking almost there.

Exactly.

Even if it's light -hearted just talking about these different parts of the mind helps kids develop that mindsight muscle.

Okay then strategy 10 is about taking action.

Exercise mindsight.

Getting back to the hub.

Right so sift helps you see what's on the rim.

This strategy gives you tools to intentionally shift away from a stuck point and come back to that calm centered hub.

These are mindsight exercises.

Yeah designed to soothe center integrate.

Like Andrea helping her daughter Nicole with her piano recital nerves.

Oh yes the performance anxiety.

Classic getting stuck on the rim of fear.

Totally.

So Andrea didn't just say don't worry she used a mindsight exercise.

First had Nicole lie down and just notice things around the room.

Why start externally?

Just to demonstrate that she could consciously direct her attention.

Then she guided her focus inward.

To the breath.

To the breath noticing the air moving chest rising stomach moving and the key instruction was gentle when her mind wandered which it will.

Back to the recital worries.

Likely yes just notice it wandered and gently without judgment bring attention back to the breath.

What does focusing on something simple like breathing actually do?

It's a direct pathway back to the hub.

It calms the nervous system, quiets the noise on the rim and thinking neuroplasticity again.

Doing this wires the neurons for mindful breath awareness to the neurons for calm and well -being.

So it's not just temporary relief it's building capacity.

It's building those pathways for a more centered state over time.

And you can adapt this for younger kids too.

Oh yeah for little ones put a small toy boat on their tummy have them watch it gently float up and down their breath.

Visualization is another great tool here.

You can teach kids to picture a calm peaceful place.

Like floating in a pool.

Or sitting by a quiet river swinging in a hammock.

Whatever feels peaceful to them great for anxiety or bedtime.

So these strategies they help kids both like survive tough feelings in the moment.

And thrive by building that core skill of focusing attention intentionally strengthening the parts of themselves they want to grow.

It's both support and development.

Now this is all framed beautifully for kids but the source really emphasizes this is just as crucial for us adults right.

Yeah.

Especially as parents.

Oh absolutely.

Maybe even more so.

We get stuck on the rim all the time.

Bilty is charged.

That example in the source is so relatable.

The parent feeling tired annoyed by the mess conflicted about plans worried self -critical thoughts swirling.

Yeah.

Those are all points on our rim and whichever ones are fixated on.

That dictates our state of mind.

Which then dictates how we interact with our kids.

Bingo.

So the invitation is apply the wheel and sift to yourself.

Notice when you're stuck on those draining points the exhaustion the irritation.

And then intentionally shift.

Intentionally shift your attention to other points that are also true but maybe getting ignored.

Like a funny thing your kids said earlier.

Or appreciating just being a parent even with the mess.

Remembering their laugh.

Picturing something positive about their future.

And just noticing how that shift feels internally.

That's the power of my insight for us.

Notice what's happening.

See where you're stuck and consciously choose where else to place your focus.

It can completely change the dynamic in that moment.

Especially in those really heated moments right.

When you feel like you're about to flip your lid.

Yes.

The source uses anger as a prime example.

When you're furious that anger is a huge fiery point on the rim.

Takes over everything.

It can totally eclipse all the other rim points needed for a thoughtful response.

Remembering your child's age.

Your positive memories.

Your goal to model regulation.

Your love for them.

Your intention to set a limit respectfully.

All that gets burned up by the fire.

So the solution isn't to pretend you're not angry but to.

Integrate.

Use mind sight to get back to the hub.

Maybe just taking a conscious breath focusing on that sensation for a second.

As a way back to center.

As a way back.

From the hub you can access your integrated upstairs brain again.

See the bigger picture.

Bring those other rim points back online.

Okay I need to set a boundary here and I love this child and I want to teach them.

So integrating yourself first allows you to respond thoughtfully from your whole self.

Not just react from that one angry point on the rim.

Beautifully put.

It makes you more tuned.

More connected.

More effective.

Okay let's do a quick recap of this deep drive.

We explored mind sight.

That ability to understand our own mind.

Visualize through the wheel of awareness.

The hub is our center.

The rim as all experiences.

The spokes connecting them.

We talked about getting stuck on the rim.

Leading to rigidity or chaos.

And confusing feel with M.

Then the amazing science focus attention and neuroplasticity.

How directing attention literally rewires the brain.

Empowering us like with Josh and Jason.

And those three great strategies.

Let the clouds roll by for emotional transience.

Sift sensations.

Images.

Feelings.

Thoughts for awareness of the rim.

And exercise mind sight.

Using breath or visualization to retrieve the hub.

And finally how crucial this all is for us as parents too.

Using mind sight to integrate ourselves so we can respond not just react.

The bottom line here for you and the kids in your life is that these tools really empower you to understand navigate and shape your inner world.

That leads to huge emotional and cognitive growth.

Which leaves us with the final thought for you.

How might consciously choosing where you place your attention today, maybe just for a few moments,

not only shift how you feel right now, but actually shape who you become over time.

Maybe think about one small way you could use the wheel or sift today.

Thank you so much for joining us for this deep dive.