Chapter 2: How Your Habits Shape Your Identity (and Vice Versa)

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Alright, let's dive deep today.

We're going to be talking about habits.

More importantly, how they connect to something much deeper, our identity, you know, who we are at our core.

We've got some fascinating excerpts from a book on habits and behavior change.

And it asks this interesting question.

Have you ever struggled to stick with a new habit, even when you feel super motivated?

Like why is that?

It's funny how we often try to change our habits in kind of the wrong way.

We tend to focus on the result, you know, like I want to lose weight or finish that novel or even the steps to get there, like going to the gym every day or writing a page a day.

Yeah, I feel like I'm definitely guilty of that.

But this book argues that lasting change, it comes from someplace much deeper.

Oh, OK.

I'm listening.

Tell me more.

So where is this magical source of change?

Well, it's all about identity.

The book uses this really clever analogy.

It says to imagine an onion.

OK, an onion.

Got it.

So the outer layer of the onion, that's the outcome, you know, what you're aiming for.

The next layer in, that's the processes, like how you'll get there.

But the core of the onion, that's your identity, your beliefs about yourself.

And the book argues that most of us, we kind of get stuck in those outer layers.

But real change,

it happens when your habits and your identity are totally in sync.

So it's not just about saying, like, I want to eat healthier.

It's more like I am the kind of person who prioritizes their health.

Is that what you mean?

You got it.

When your habits align with your identity, change almost becomes effortless.

You're not fighting yourself anymore.

And they have this great example in the book about two people trying to quit smoking.

One says, I'm trying to quit.

The other says, I'm not a smoker.

OK, I see.

Yeah.

Do you see the difference there?

Yeah, I do.

The first person is still a smoker at heart, right?

They're fighting against this habit.

The second person, their identity has already shifted.

They're a nonsmoker.

It's such a subtle difference, but I can see how it can make a huge difference in how you approach it and how you feel about it.

I bet, you know, once you see yourself as a nonsmoker, picking up a cigarette would just feel wrong.

Like it wouldn't even make sense.

Exactly.

But changing our identity, I mean, that sounds like a monumental task,

like climbing Mount Everest or something.

How do we actually do that?

Where do we even start?

Well, the book lays out this two -step process.

First, you decide the type of person you want to be, like what matters most to you?

What are the traits you admire?

It's about becoming the best version of yourself, not someone completely new, right?

And then the second step is you prove it to yourself with small wins.

You don't try to change everything overnight.

You take these small actions that are consistent with that new identity.

So if I want to be someone who's organized, maybe I start by just making my bed every morning.

Exactly.

Each time you make the bed, you're reinforcing that organized identity.

And as you rack up these little wins, your belief in this new identity, it strengthens.

It's like you're casting votes for the person you want to become.

And the book has this interesting example.

They talk about Brian Clark.

He's an entrepreneur, and he used to bite his nails all the time.

Nail -biting, I feel like that's a really tough habit to break.

How did he do it?

Well, he decided he wanted to be someone who took pride in his appearance and his well -being.

So he started getting manicures regularly, and at first it felt really odd to him, but he kept going.

And as he kept getting these manicures, he started seeing himself differently, not as this anxious nail -biter, but as someone who cared for his nails.

Oh, interesting.

So he kind of transformed his identity through this consistent action, and once he saw himself that way, maybe the urge to bite his nails just kind of faded away.

Yeah.

And it's interesting because he kind of used those manicures as a way to reinforce his desired identity.

Yeah, that's clever.

And it wasn't about just achieving the outcome, having perfect nails.

It was about becoming a certain type of person.

And that, according to this book, is the real reason habits matter.

They're not just about checking things off a to -do list, but it's how those actions shape us.

And it goes back to those layers of the onion, right?

I love that analogy.

This change doesn't happen overnight.

It's gradual.

There's a line in the book that says,

we do not change by snapping our fingers and deciding to be someone entirely new.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Real change.

It takes time and patience.

It's a journey.

We can't become these completely different people, you know, by snapping our fingers.

Right.

It's a process.

It's like a sculptor.

Yeah.

You're carefully shaping a piece of clay.

And it makes me think about the psychologist Edward Thorndyke.

He did these experiments with cats in puzzle boxes.

Oh, science story.

I'm all ears.

So Thorndyke, he would put a cat in this box with a lever.

And if the cat pressed the lever, the door opened and they got a treat.

At first, the cats were just pawing around randomly, but eventually they would hit the lever and escape.

I bet they learned pretty quickly though, right?

Once they got that treat.

Exactly.

And they got faster each time, learning to associate that lever with freedom and a tasty treat.

Freedom and treats.

What more could you want?

Right.

And after enough repetitions, it became automatic.

They didn't even have to think about it.

So are you saying that building new habits is kind of like those cats, you know, consistently repeating actions until they become second nature?

You got it.

It's about consistently repeating those actions that align with the person we want to become until they become second nature.

And the more we repeat them, the more we reinforce those underlying beliefs about ourselves.

Wow.

This is making me rethink my whole approach to habits.

It's not just about willpower.

It's about aligning my actions with my desired identity.

This is also fascinating.

I could talk about this forever, but I think we need to take a pause here for a moment.

We'll be back after a short break and dig into how to actually apply this identity based approach to our own lives.

So we've talked about changing our identity as the key to lasting change, but how do we actually make that happen?

It feels a little abstract still.

Well, remember that two -step process we talked about before the break?

It's about deciding who you want to be and then proving it to yourself through those small wins.

Yeah.

Let's dig a little deeper into that.

Okay.

So step one, deciding who you want to be sounds simple enough, but honestly, I think that could be pretty tricky.

Where do we even begin?

The book has some good advice.

It says start by asking yourself some big questions, like almost existential questions.

What are your core values?

What kind of person do you really admire?

What qualities do you wish you had more of?

It's all about identifying that best version of yourself, not trying to become someone completely different.

So getting crystal clear on your ideal self.

Yeah.

Not just what you want to accomplish, but who you want to be at your very core.

Exactly.

And then you mentioned proving it to yourself through small wins.

How did those little actions actually translate into shifting your identity?

It goes back to the cat in the puzzle box.

Each time you do something small that aligns with this new identity, you're essentially casting a vote for that person you want to become.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

So it's like building a case.

Yeah.

Gathering evidence for the person you envision.

Exactly.

And as that evidence piles up, your belief in this new identity gets stronger and stronger.

It's kind of like an election.

Each action is a vote for the type of person you're becoming.

Oh, that's a great analogy.

So if I want to be a healthier person, each healthy meal is a vote for healthy me.

And every time I skip the gym, that's a vote against it.

That's a really good way to put it.

And just like in a real election, you don't need to win every single vote.

A few slip ups won't derail you.

What matters is consistently casting more votes for your desired identity.

Okay.

So that takes the pressure off.

Knowing you don't have to be perfect all the time, it makes it feel a lot more doable.

Absolutely.

It's about progress, not perfection.

The more votes you cast for this new you, the stronger that identity becomes.

And the book also talks about something called identity -based habits.

Right.

Identity -based habits.

I was wondering about that.

What are those exactly?

They're actions that are directly aligned with your desired identity.

So it's not focused on achieving some specific outcome.

It's reinforcing who you are at your core.

Do you give me an example?

Sure.

Let's say your desired identity is, I am a compassionate person.

An identity -based habit might be volunteering at a soup kitchen or just making an effort to really listen to your friends and family.

I see.

So it's not necessarily these big grand gestures.

It's about consistently choosing actions that reflect your values.

You're kind of embodying your desired identity in everyday life.

Exactly.

And the book stresses that this whole process of identity change, it's gradual.

There's a great line in the book.

It says, we do not change by snapping our fingers and deciding to be someone entirely new.

It's so true.

Real change takes time.

It takes patience.

We can't expect to just become completely different people overnight.

It's a process.

It's a continuous refinement, like that sculptor, you know, shaping and reshaping their art through their actions.

So just to sum up what we've learned so far, lasting change, it comes from shifting our identity, not just our actions, and our habits are the votes we cast for the person we want to be.

You got it.

And it works both ways.

As we build better habits, our beliefs about ourselves change.

And as our beliefs change, those habits become easier and easier to maintain.

It's this beautiful cycle.

So where do we go from here?

How do we actually put all this knowledge into practice?

I guess that's what we'll explore next, right?

That sounds good to me.

All right.

So we're back and ready to get practical.

We've explored all this theory about identity based habits and like the steps to changing our identity.

But how do we actually make this work in our everyday lives?

Well, one of the most effective strategies is to start small.

You know, those small wins we talked about?

Yeah.

Those are super important.

Don't try to change everything at once.

Just focus on building one small habit at a time.

OK, so like instead of aiming to become a marathon runner overnight,

I might start with something like I'm going to run for 15 minutes three times a week.

Exactly.

Make it so simple you can't say no.

And remember, it's not just about checking that action off your list.

It's about reinforcing that desired identity.

So when you're like lacing up your running shoes, you know, tell yourself this is what someone who prioritizes their health does.

I like that, like actively stepping into that identity with each small action,

you know, fake it till you make it.

Yeah.

Are there other strategies that we can use?

Definitely.

Surround yourself with people who embody the qualities you want to cultivate.

Their habits and their mindsets can actually influence you in some really powerful ways.

So if I want to be a more confident speaker, I should join a Toastmasters group, right?

Absolutely.

Or if you want to be a more disciplined writer, find a writing group or like a buddy who can hold you accountable.

The people we spend our time with have a huge impact on our beliefs and behaviors.

It's like we're constantly absorbing their habits and their mindsets.

The book also talked about habit stacking.

What's that all about?

Habit stacking is a really great technique for building new habits.

The idea is you attach your new habit to an existing one that's already automatic for you.

OK.

So for example, if I want to start meditating every morning, I could link it to my morning coffee routine, like finish the coffee, then meditate for five minutes.

Perfect.

By piggybacking on this established routine, you're much more likely to stick with that new habit.

It's like you're borrowing that existing momentum.

I see.

And speaking of sticking with things, you know, one of the biggest challenges I think people face is dealing with setbacks because we all slip up sometimes.

So how do we stay motivated when we get off track?

Yeah, that's a really good point because it's easy to get discouraged and just give up when you miss a day or two.

Yeah.

You know, you feel like, what's the point?

Yeah.

But the book really emphasizes that setbacks are not failures.

They're just part of the process.

Everyone makes mistakes.

What matters is how you respond.

So instead of beating yourself up, treat it as a learning opportunity.

OK.

So like instead just throwing in the towel and being like, forget it, I can't do this.

You ask yourself, OK, what can I learn from this?

How can I approach this differently next time?

Exactly.

And remind yourself that one slip up doesn't erase all your progress.

It's about just getting back on track and continuing to cast those votes for your desired identity.

No.

Another helpful tip is to focus on the benefits of your new habits, not just the challenges.

So if I'm trying to eat healthier,

I should remind myself how much more energy I have and how much better I sleep when I'm actually taking care of my body, you know, nourishing it with good food.

Yes, exactly.

Focus on those positive changes you're experiencing and let those feelings fuel your motivation.

This has been such an eye -opening deep dive.

I feel like I have a whole new understanding of habits and how they're connected to who we are.

It's really empowering, isn't it?

We have the power to shape our own identities one small habit at a time.

It really is.

Well, as we wrap up, I want to leave you with a question to ponder.

If you could choose one small habit to start today, that would be a vote for your ideal self.

What would it be?

Take some time to reflect on that and then take action.

Remember, small changes can lead to some really incredible transformations.

So that's it for our deep dive today.

Thanks for joining us.

We'll see you next time.