Chapter 4: A Conflictual Marriage

Welcome to Last Minute Lecture.

This free chapter overview is designed to help students review and understand key concepts.

These summaries supplement, not replace the original textbook and may not be redistributed or resold.

For complete coverage, always consult the official text.

Hey everyone, welcome back.

Today we're gonna be diving into something pretty personal actually.

Yeah, we're gonna be talking about ADD, but specifically looking at it through one family's experience and really thinking about how genetics and environment kind of play off of each other.

Yeah, exactly.

It's always both, isn't it?

Well, that's what we're gonna be looking at, right?

And we're doing that with excerpts from a chapter that is all about this idea of a conflictual marriage

and ADD in the family.

And what makes it even more personal as the author is, well, he's one of us.

He is one of us, yeah.

He and his wife, Ray, have three kids and all of them have been diagnosed with ADD, including him, the dad.

Right, right, right.

And so, when you think about it, they're stable, loving, middle -class family, no addiction, no abuse.

You look at the surface, you'd think - Straight to genetics, right?

Yeah, case closed, genetics, but that's exactly what he starts with.

He acknowledges that.

You see that link.

You see all these family members having it.

You think, oh, it's in the genes, right?

But our mission today is to dig into this argument that he makes, that the environment, and by that he means the formative environment.

So really, that early family life, the home environment, that that plays a huge role.

Huge role.

And whether those ADD genes actually express themselves, actually turn into ADD.

That's right.

And his children and in himself, really.

In himself, yeah.

So he talks about this idea of a conflictual marriage and he actually quotes Michael E.

Kerr, who says, one of the hallmarks is, husband and wife are angry and dissatisfied with one another.

Oh yeah,

sounds familiar.

Conflict can have an addictive quality, this quote says.

Oh, that's interesting.

Right.

So what is that?

What does that look like?

I mean, it's intense.

Those are pretty loaded words, right?

Angry, dissatisfied.

But the interesting thing, and what Kerr points out, is that these times when things are really negative, they're actually kind of woven together with periods of being really close.

It's not like it's just constant hostility.

The big takeaway is that the people in this kind of marriage, they're not really choosing the conflict.

It's that they haven't figured out a better way to relate to each other.

Yeah, it becomes a pattern, like a default.

And he's very, very straightforward about saying that his marriage with Ray, especially in the early years, was like that, was firmly at what may be called the conflictual end of the spectrum.

Wow.

Takes guts to say that, honestly.

Yeah, it really does.

And he's really, really honest about their whole journey.

Yeah, yeah.

He talks about how their marriage now is something that they celebrate.

Their ships have finally arrived safely in the same harbor.

But getting there.

Right, took some work.

Took decades and a lot of energy.

Decades, wow.

So much can happen in that time.

It really can, it really can.

And he doesn't sugarcoat things either.

They shudder at how hurtful and dark it felt at times.

And this is what's really important for us.

He says that our struggles burdened our children's lives.

Yeah, heavy stuff.

But so real for so many families.

Right, and that takes us to this big idea.

He says, there was never any question of a lack of love in our home.

I think that's a lot of people's experience, right?

You love your family.

You do.

But then he says, love felt by the parent does not automatically translate into loving experience by the child.

Oh man,

that's huge.

It's a big one, right?

It really makes you think, doesn't it?

It does, it really does.

So it's not just about what the parent feels, right?

No, it's about what the child feels.

It's the whole emotional environment of the home.

Yeah.

He talks about,

he describes their family as often having open or suppressed emotional conflict between the parents,

mutually disappointed expectations and profound anxieties we were not even aware of.

Whoa,

that's a lot to carry.

And it's invisible, right?

You can't see those anxieties, the expectations.

Right, and he starts to really look at his own part in all of that, right?

He says that his frustrations with life could, without warning, erupt against Ray, or directly against the children in the form of rages or cold withdrawals.

He actually calls himself double face, like compassionate and helpful to people outside the family, but towards his own loved ones, capable of loving support and hostile rejection.

That's really powerful, right?

That self -awareness, that he can see that in himself, that contrast, that's so insightful, because it's like he's recognizing that his own anxieties, his own grief, his unresolved grief, even found an outlet at home, like a release valve, but not a good one.

And he links that to his work life, right?

Being a doctor.

He says he wasn't comfortable with myself except as a super active and sought after doctor.

And he even thought of his beeper as a badge of distinction.

Like a symbol.

Yeah, yeah.

Always hoping it would go off, always wanting to be needed.

But then he says, even with all of that, all the activity and all validation, he says, never felt satisfied with myself or my life.

So it's like a constant search for something more, but maybe looking in the wrong places?

Yeah, and so this led to just a crazy amount of work.

He describes it, busy practice, obstetrical work,

psychological counseling,

being the medical coordinator of palliative care.

Wow, all of that.

All of that, constantly on call.

Oh man, no wonder he was stressed.

And then, you know, he also had a weekly medical column and he even was trying to research a book.

And that, of course, he dropped.

Right, classic.

To find ADD fashion, he said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When his focus shifted.

It's just, it's exhausting even just listening to it.

I can only imagine.

So you can imagine what it was like to live it.

And he talks about the consequences, right?

Always behind schedule, missing deadlines, patients waiting.

Yeah, all the ripple effects.

And his style.

He describes it as frenetic catch -as -catch -can.

So everyone around him was constantly having to adjust.

The nurses in palliative care felt like they were in a tornado.

A tornado.

That's how they described it, yeah.

Intense imagery.

His office nurse was always stressed, felt like she was climbing the walls.

Right.

People saw him as tense, urgent, insistent.

Oh yeah, that driven, always -on personality.

And he says the impact on his family was devastating.

And Ray, his wife, really took on this huge responsibility.

She became the family's emotional linchpin, as he put it.

Wow, so not just managing the house, but the whole emotional well -being of the family.

The whole family.

And she felt abandoned, and she felt like her heart, her artistic pursuits were just.

Second fiddle.

Second fiddle, yeah.

Yeah, that's gotta be tough.

Like, you're putting your own stuff aside to keep everything afloat.

And then, you know, on top of that, there's this pattern that he describes as weekend despair.

So after this crazy week, he would crash, you know.

And it was lethargy, lack of focus, irritable.

Like burnout feeling.

Totally, totally.

And he couldn't rest.

And then Ray would get upset.

You know, she'd feel hurt and angry.

Yeah, because it's like the cycle starts all over again.

So she'd withdraw.

Yeah.

And then that would trigger his fear of abandonment and.

Oh, so.

And his rage.

It's like a dance.

It is.

They're trapped in, you know.

It's a terrible dance.

And all of this is happening while they're trying to raise their kids.

Yeah, yeah.

Not exactly a peaceful, stable environment, is it?

Not at all.

And then he really, really starts to focus on the child's point of view, which I think is so important.

Because often, you know, we forget about that.

And he says, young children cannot possibly understand the motives of adults.

Right, they just experience what is right in front of them.

They do, yeah.

So what they experience in this situation is just absence, right?

Whether it's the parent physically not being there because of work or.

Or emotionally checked out.

Yeah.

Because they're stressed or whatever it is.

Totally.

And that leads to just this deep sense of abandonment.

Oh yeah.

This feeling of being less important than other things.

Right.

And then there's this belief that there must be something wrong with him.

The child thinks there's something wrong with them.

Yeah.

If the parent's not there.

If the parent's not there for them.

Yeah.

It's heartbreaking.

And so he describes, you know, the kids would demand contact, they'd act out, they'd try so hard to please.

Yeah, just seeking that attention.

Just trying to get that attention, that validation.

It's basic, right?

Children need that.

Yeah.

And he says, you know, there were good times too, of course, happy memories.

Right.

But the tough times came often enough to make it difficult for the children to construct in themselves a sense of security.

The emotional climate was too unpredictable and confusing.

So it's not just about being mean to the kids.

It's about being inconsistent.

Yeah.

Because then they don't know what to expect.

Right, right.

And it wasn't just physical absence, was it?

No.

He goes into this whole idea of difficulty staying focused in the present, especially in what he calls right brain feeling world of the here and now.

Which is where kids live.

Which is where kids live.

He gives this example of reading to his kids, but he's totally lost in his own thoughts.

Oh yeah, I've done that.

So lost that he can't even answer questions about the story.

Right, you're there, but you're not really there.

You're not really there.

And he calls that non -presence.

And he makes the point that even if you don't say it, even if you don't, you know.

Yeah.

The kids sense it, they know.

And they feel it.

They feel it.

And then he talks about, you know, especially stressful times.

Oh yeah.

Like when Ray was pregnant and those early years of raising little kids.

Right.

And he mentions that Ray had postpartum depression after their child was 12 months old.

She had terrible insomnia, she couldn't cope.

Oh, it's so tough.

And she realized that she wasn't giving her child that emotional contact that they needed.

Yeah, the awareness is so painful, isn't it?

It is, yeah.

And then he says that she wasn't diagnosed for months.

You know, didn't get the care she needed for months.

And he wonders if it's because she was a doctor's wife.

Oh, interesting.

Like people maybe dismissed it.

Yeah.

And then he admits that he couldn't see it clearly at the time.

He was too threatened and too enmeshed to really understand how bad it was.

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to see when you're right in the middle of it.

Yeah, it really is.

And then he talks about his biggest regret.

And it's not what he did, but what he didn't do.

Interesting.

He says, give my children the gift of a mindful, secure, and reliable parental presence.

Being present, being there emotionally.

Yeah, yeah.

He wishes he could have just relaxed, you know?

Let go of all of his compulsions and just enjoy those early years with his kids.

Just be in the moment.

Yeah.

And it's so important that Tief, that then he says, you know, he doesn't see himself as the only bad guy in this story.

You know, he doesn't wanna judge himself or anyone else.

And he makes the point that his part was only one half of the strain in the marriage with Ray.

Right, it's a two -way street, always.

It is, yeah.

And he touches on this idea that couples can choose partners who - Who fit somehow with their anxieties and their issues.

Right, and that triggers their unresolved pain.

So it's like this - It's complicated.

It's really complicated, right?

It's not simple.

Relationships never are.

Right.

And he says that the point is to understand, not to blame.

He sees their journey as a coherent process.

He says everything that happened had to happen, given what we knew, who we were, and what we each brought to the marriage.

That's a really, like, accepting way of looking at it, you know?

Yeah, it is.

And he finishes this whole personal story by saying that they did give their kids the best they could, and they're still doing that.

Yeah, always learning, right?

Always growing.

Right.

But then he takes this big step back, and he says, you know, none of this personal history would be of interest if it were simply an isolated tale.

Right, right.

He says in basically every family that he's seen where a child has ADD, he sees these same - Underlying tensions.

Yeah, these tensions and stresses in the relationships.

Yeah, it's fascinating, isn't it?

The patterns you start to see.

It really is, yeah.

And he says that some parents of ADD kids, they'll say, oh, our childhood was happy, you know?

Everything was fine.

Right, right.

But then when you talk to them more, they start to remember these - Stresses.

These stresses that they didn't see before.

And he thinks that's because, you know, we tend to be quite removed from our own emotional reality.

Like we block it out.

Yeah.

Because it's too painful.

Maybe.

Yeah.

And then this is his big, big belief about ADD.

He says, it is in these stresses experienced by the parents, in spite of their will to do the best for their children, that the environmental roots of attention deficit are to be found.

Powerful statement.

Yeah.

So he's saying that even though the parents want what's best, even though they love their kids, that the stress they're under can actually contribute.

Can really impact.

At ADD.

Yeah.

And he even says that the research backs this up.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So, you know, we're seeing the genetics might lay the groundwork, but that the early family environment is so - It's the soil that those genes grow in, you know?

Totally.

Yeah.

And that a loving home, just because there's love.

Right.

That's not enough.

That's not enough.

A child needs to experience that love.

Experience it.

Feel safe and secure.

Secure, yeah.

Yeah.

And a predictable, supportive environment.

And all of that seems to be way more important than we think.

Yeah.

And the story just makes you think about all the things that go on in families, all the little stresses, the unspoken tensions,

the ways we affect each other, even when we don't realize it.

Totally.

And how our own stuff - Yeah, our own baggage.

Our own baggage can impact our kids, even without us meaning to.

Without us even knowing.

And this whole thing, this whole discussion, it really makes you think about ADD and family in a whole new way.

It does, yeah.

It's not just a diagnosis.

It's connected to so much more.

It is.

So we're gonna leave you with a thought.

Think about your own early family, your formative environment, what stresses were there?

Were there tensions that weren't talked about?

What were the patterns in your family?

And how might all of that have shaped you?

And shaped the people around you.

It's something to think about, isn't it?

It really is.

It's all connected.

Thanks for joining us, everyone.

See you next time.