Chapter 18: Like Fish in the Sea

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All right, so we're diving deep today.

And you sent us a chapter about the family system and how it all kind of ties into child development, especially when ADD is part of the picture.

And what we're really trying to do is get to the bottom of how families work and how that shapes a kid's ability to kind of manage their emotions and actions and all that stuff.

Yeah, so you're looking at the family as like a unit.

Yeah, a system.

A system, yeah.

Which can be a whole different way to look at things.

Yeah, it can be a real shift in perspective, especially when we're dealing with issues like ADD.

It's almost like zooming out to see the whole forest instead of just focusing on one individual tree.

Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I was even thinking of an ant colony.

Oh wow.

Where every ant has the same DNA, but they all end up with these different roles depending on what the colony needs.

You need a queen, you need workers, you need soldiers.

Absolutely.

And it's like the group is shaping what each individual becomes.

And I think that's a really helpful analogy because what we're seeing in this chapter is suggesting that families function in a similar way.

Yeah, not maybe as rigid as an ant colony, but still that idea that like the group, the family unit,

shapes who the individuals become.

Yeah, it's all interconnected.

And that's, you know, when it comes to a child's wellbeing.

Yeah.

That's really important to think about.

Absolutely, especially their emotional development.

Right.

And one of the things that this chapter really highlights is the idea that a child's behavior is less about their own choices and more about how they're reacting to what's happening around them.

Oh yeah.

You know, because they're so dependent on their parents and the other people in their lives for everything.

Right, right.

It's natural that their behavior would be a reflection of that environment.

So it's not like they're just making these decisions in isolation, it's like they're responding.

Exactly.

To what's going on around them.

Exactly, and there's this great quote in the chapter by Michael Kerr.

Oh yeah.

And he says that when parents start to really look at their own actions and take responsibility for what they're bringing to the table,

the child tends to become more responsible as well.

Wow, that's almost like a mirror image.

It is, it's really fascinating.

And the chapter builds on this by saying that when parents focus on their own behavior and on setting healthy boundaries, they're actually creating the conditions for their children to develop that same self -reliance.

Okay, so that makes a lot of sense, and this kind of leads into the whole idea of self -regulation.

Yes.

Which is a big theme in the chapter.

It is a really important concept.

And especially for kids with ADD, it's something that they often struggle with.

Yeah, absolutely.

So how does the chapter actually define self -regulation?

So the chapter defines self -regulation as the ability to maintain a stable internal state, both emotionally and psychologically, regardless of what's happening externally.

So it's about being able to keep your cool, even when things around you are kind of chaotic.

Exactly, it's about not letting external circumstances dictate your internal state.

Yeah.

A good analogy that the chapter uses is a thermostat.

Okay.

You know, the thermostat in your house keeps the temperature consistent, whether it's freezing outside or sweltering hot.

Right.

And emotional self -regulation is similar.

Yeah.

You know, you can experience a range of emotions, but you're not completely thrown off balance by those extremes.

Right.

You're not going from, you know, zero to 60 in a matter of seconds.

Yeah, so you can feel those emotions, but you're not like completely taken over by them.

Exactly, it's about having that internal control.

Okay, and the chapter also talks about how important this is for parents of kids with ADD.

Yes, absolutely, because children with ADD, especially,

are incredibly sensitive to their surroundings.

Yeah.

So if the parents are emotionally dysregulated, the child is gonna pick up on that, and it's gonna impact them even more strongly.

So the parents really need to be that, like, stable force in the child's life.

Exactly, and the chapter uses this really interesting analogy of warm -blooded versus cold -blooded animals.

Okay.

To illustrate this point.

Like that.

So, you know, warm -blooded creatures can thrive in all sorts of different environments, because they can regulate their internal temperature.

Right.

Whereas cold -blooded animals are much more at the mercy of the external temperature,

and the chapter suggests that people with poor self -regulation are kind of like those cold -blooded animals.

So they're more easily affected by changes in their environment.

Exactly, and that can make things like transitions particularly difficult for them.

Right, right, because it's like a huge shift.

It is, and it can throw them off balance very easily.

And it also mentions, you know, this other side of it too, where it's not just about being really sensitive to the environment, but it's also about needing that constant external stimulation.

Yeah.

To kind of stay engaged.

Absolutely, and we see that a lot with ADD as well.

Yeah.

Where there's this constant need for new things, new activities, new relationships to keep that internal energy level up.

Right, because it's almost like they can't generate it from within.

Exactly.

They need something from the outside.

Yeah, and when that's not there, they can feel kind of lost and unmotivated.

Right, right, so then it makes sense that the chapter makes this link between a child's ability to self -regulate and the parent's ability to self -regulate.

Yes, absolutely, the chapter argues that in families with a child with ADD, it's very common for the parents to also struggle with regulating their own moods.

Well, that's interesting.

And you know, often their emotional state becomes very tied to the child's state.

Yeah.

And a lot of parents will talk about how their child with ADD kind of dictates the emotional atmosphere of the entire household.

I remember that quote from the father in the chapter.

Yeah.

Who said that his son could like change the mood in the house from happy to like total chaos in seconds.

Exactly, and then flip it right back again.

Yeah, it's like the child has this power.

It can feel that way.

To just control everyone's emotions.

Right, and the chapter talks about this as like an invisible umbilical cord.

Oh yeah.

Where the parent's well -being is totally dependent on how the child is doing.

So if the child is happy, the parent is happy.

If the child is upset, the parent is distraught.

It's like they're totally in sync emotionally.

Exactly.

But not in a good way.

Right, and it can be really exhausting for the parent.

Oh yeah, definitely.

And it can also lead to resentment from siblings.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Because you know, they feel like they're always having to walk on eggshells.

Right.

And that their needs are being ignored.

And they might see their sibling as the one who's causing all this.

Exactly, and the chapter challenges this idea that the child with ADD has this really powerful personality.

Oh yeah.

And instead suggests that it's more about the parent's own difficulty with emotional regulation.

Okay, so it's not that the child is intentionally trying to control everyone.

It's that the parents are kind of letting the child's moods dictate their own moods.

Exactly, and this creates this really unfortunate cycle where the parents are needing the child to be balanced so that they can feel balanced, but the child can't be balanced because the parents aren't balanced.

It's like Catch -22.

It is, and it can be really hard to break free from that cycle.

Yeah, and the chapter gives this really great example of this playing out at the dinner table.

Oh yes, the dinner table scenario.

Which I think so many families can relate to.

Absolutely, it's a classic.

Yeah, so can you kind of walk us through how that typically goes down?

So you've got a child with ADD

who's hungry, maybe already feeling a little bit on edge, and they're taking forever to come to the table, or maybe they're refusing to come all together, and then one parent might make a comment like, dinner's ready, let's go, in a kind of exasperated tone, and that just sets the child off.

And then they come to the table looking miserable, they don't want to eat their food, they start complaining, or maybe they just stay in their room and yell and scream, and it's like this whole emotional contagion starts to spread.

Like a virus.

Exactly, the child's bad mood infects everyone else.

Yeah, and then the parents start getting frustrated.

Right, one parent might give the other that look.

Yeah, like the, here we go again, look.

Exactly, and then the other parent might lose their temper,

slam their hand on the table, start yelling at the child, who then becomes even more defiant.

Right, it just escalates.

Exactly, and by the end of it, everyone's mood is ruined.

Dinner is a disaster, and the parents are feeling more and more convinced that there's something wrong with their child.

Yeah, like it's just confirming all their fears.

Exactly.

And the chapter says that this is like a really common scenario that parents will talk about when they're seeking help.

Yes, absolutely, and you know, they're looking for advice, they're looking for strategies.

Yeah, like how do we handle this?

Exactly.

But the chapter makes this interesting point, that those strategies often don't get to the root of the problem.

Right, because they're just focusing on the behavior, and not on the underlying emotional dynamic.

So it's like putting a Band -Aid on a bullet wound.

Exactly, and the chapter really emphasizes that the most important thing is not the specific technique you're using, but your own emotional state as the parent.

So it's less about the how -to, and more about the who.

Exactly, it's about who is doing the parenting, and what emotional baggage they're bringing to the table.

Because all that tension at the dinner table.

Yeah.

It's not just about the child's behavior, it's about the anxiety that that behavior triggers in the parents.

Exactly, and that anxiety can come from all sorts of places.

The fear of losing control, the frustration of another failed family moment, the emotional pain of feeling rejected by their child, the worry that this behavior is a sign of bigger problems down the road.

Right, like a fear of the future.

And so how does that parental anxiety then feed back into the situation?

Well, according to the chapter, when parents get anxious,

they can actually start to behave in more immature and dysregulated ways themselves.

Oh wow, so they're kind of mirroring the child's behavior.

In a way, yes, they might become impulsive, they might yell, they might even lash out physically, or on the other hand, they might completely shut down and withdraw, and this in turn triggers even more anxiety in the child.

It's like a vicious cycle.

Exactly, the child acts out, the parent gets anxious, the parent reacts in a dysregulated way, and the child becomes even more anxious and acts out even more.

And it just spirals.

It does, and it can be really difficult to break free from that pattern.

So how does the chapter suggest that parents approach this differently?

Well, the key is for the parents to develop their own self -regulation skills, so that they can manage their anxiety without reacting in those harmful ways.

And what does that look like in practice?

So in that dinner table scenario, for example, the parents who have good self -regulation, they would be able to recognize their anxiety when it arises, but they wouldn't feel the need to immediately react to it.

So they would just kind of observe it.

Exactly, they would acknowledge it, they would allow themselves to feel it, but they wouldn't let it control them.

So they wouldn't try to suppress it or fight it?

Right, and they wouldn't feel the need to control the child's behavior in order to manage their own anxiety.

Okay, so they would just stay calm.

Exactly, they would remain grounded and centered.

Even though they're feeling anxious.

Yes, and that would create a sense of safety for the child, because the child wouldn't be picking up on that parental anxiety.

And as a result, the child's behavior might not escalate as much.

So it's like the parents are modeling that calm behavior.

Exactly, and when the child feels safe and secure, they're more likely to be able to regulate their own emotions.

And they're more likely to open up and share what's really going on.

Exactly, and that's when real connection can happen.

And growth.

Absolutely.

And the chapter really emphasizes the importance of self -awareness for parents.

Yes, self -knowledge is crucial.

Especially when you have a child with ADD.

Right, because our own unresolved issues can get triggered by our children's behavior.

And we might not even realize it's happening.

Exactly, it can be very unconscious.

And the chapter talks about how this can be really frustrating for parents.

Yeah.

Because they might understand all the parenting techniques intellectually.

Yeah, they still find themselves reacting emotionally and well, but they don't want to.

Right, so their head knows one thing, but their heart is doing something else.

Exactly, and the chapter explains this by talking about the different hemispheres of the brain.

Oh, right, the left brain and the right brain.

Yes, so the left brain is more logical and analytical.

Yeah.

And that's where our understanding of parenting strategies comes from.

Right.

But the right brain is more emotional and intuitive.

Okay.

And that's where our immediate reactions come from.

So when our kids trigger us emotionally, it's like our right brain takes over.

Exactly, and our left brain kind of goes offline.

And we're not thinking clearly.

Right, we're just reacting from a place of old hurts and patterns.

Yeah, and the chapter then goes into this whole idea of maintenance factors in ADD, and how parents' emotional states can be a really big factor.

Absolutely.

The chapter argues that parental emotional states are probably the most significant maintenance factor.

Meaning that they can either make the ADD symptoms worse.

Right, or they can help to create an environment where the child can thrive.

And it talks about how unresolved conflicts between parents, or even within each parent individually,

can create a lot of anxiety for kids with ADD.

Exactly, and that anxiety can manifest as hyperactivity or inattention or other ADD -related behaviors.

So it's like the child is absorbing the parent's stress.

In a way, yes, and the chapter suggests that a lot of what we see as problem behavior in children is actually a response to the parent's emotional states.

So it's not just that the child has a disorder, it's that the child is reacting to the emotional environment.

Exactly, and this is where the concept of unfinished business comes in.

Oh, right.

Which the chapter attributes to the family therapist, David Freeman.

Yeah, and I remember that phrase, unfinished business really resonated with me.

Yeah, it's a powerful concept.

So can you explain a little more about what Dr.

Freeman means by that?

Sure, so Dr.

Freeman defines unfinished business as a current emotional reaction that has been shaped by a past experience.

It's like a button that gets pushed, and we have this automatic reaction that's based on something that happened a long time ago.

And we might not even be aware of the connection.

Exactly, it can be very unconscious.

So how does this unfinished business play out in the parent -child relationship?

Well, Dr.

Freeman says that when we experience things like criticism or distance or a lack of love from our spouse or our child, it can trigger anxiety and self -doubt in us.

Right, because it brings up those old wounds.

Exactly, and that anxiety can then block our ability to be loving and nurturing in return.

So we end up reacting to our child from a place of hurt and insecurity.

Exactly, and the chapter quotes Andrew Feldmar, who says that children swim in their parents' unconscious like fish in the sea.

Wow, that's such a powerful image.

It is, and it really highlights how much our children are impacted by our own inner world.

Yeah, whether we realize it or not.

Right, and the chapter argues that for parents to really create a safe and supportive environment for their children, they need to be willing to do their own inner work.

So it's not just about learning the right parenting techniques.

It's about addressing our own emotional baggage.

Exactly, and that's often a much more difficult and challenging process.

But it's essential if we wanna break free from those unhealthy cycles.

And the chapter then connects this to the idea of individuation, which is a big concept in developmental psychology.

It is, and it's essentially about the process of becoming a separate and self -reliant individual.

So it's about developing a strong sense of self.

Exactly, and the chapter suggests that self -regulation is a key part of this process, because in order to become individuated, you need to be able to manage your own emotions and not be completely dependent on others for your sense of wellbeing.

Right, so you're not constantly looking for external validation.

Exactly, you're coming from a place of inner strength and stability.

And how does this relate to parents and children?

Well, the chapter argues that parents who haven't fully individuated themselves often struggle to foster individuation in their children.

So they might have trouble letting go.

Exactly, it might become overly enmeshed with their children.

And that can actually hinder the child's development.

And the chapter tells that story about the couple who had a son with ADD.

Right.

And their problems really started when he was born.

Yeah, it was a real turning point for them.

And how does their story illustrate these ideas about individuation?

Well, before their son was born, this couple was very reliant on each other for emotional support.

They weren't very well differentiated.

And when the baby came along,

the mother's focus naturally shifted towards the child.

Yeah.

And the father unconsciously interpreted this as a withdrawal of love and attention.

Oh, wow.

And he started to feel anxious and resentful.

And he withdrew into his work, which further isolated the mother.

So it just created more distance between them.

Exactly, and because neither parent was well individuated, they both reacted very strongly to each other's emotions and to their son's developing ADD patterns.

And it just created this constant cycle of anxiety.

So they were all kind of feeding off each other's anxiety.

Exactly, and the chapter suggests that if they had been more individuated, they might have been able to handle this transition more smoothly.

Like they would have had more of that inner stability.

Right, and they wouldn't have been so reactive to each other's moods.

And how did therapy help them?

Well, family therapy helped them to recognize their emotional dependencies and to start to tolerate more emotional space between them.

So they learned how to be okay with not being completely in sync all the time.

Exactly, and they also started to see their son as a separate individual.

Right, not just an extension of themselves.

And as a result of these shifts, their son started to feel more accepted.

Oh, that's great.

And he became more confident.

He needed less approval from his peers.

Wow.

And he was generally calmer and more attentive.

So it had a really positive impact on him.

It did, and it shows how powerful these changes can be.

Yeah, and the chapter emphasizes that this is an ongoing process.

Yes, it's not a quick fix.

It takes time and effort.

Absolutely, and there are gonna be setbacks along the way.

Right.

But the important thing is to keep working at it.

And to not give up.

Exactly, and to remember that as long as you're willing to look inward and learn, you're creating a safer and more supportive environment for your child.

And the chapter ends with this really hopeful message about how an ADD diagnosis

can actually be the beginning of a healing process for the whole family.

Exactly, it's not just about fixing the child.

It's about looking at the family system as a whole.

And recognizing that everyone is contributing to the dynamic.

Absolutely, and the chapter encourages parents to be compassionate towards themselves, to accept that they're gonna make mistakes, and to remember that children are resilient.

So it's not about being perfect.

No.

It's about being willing to learn and grow.

Exactly, and to focus on creating the best possible environment for your child to thrive.

And the last point that the chapter makes is about the importance of paying attention to your own emotional state, and the overall tension in the household.

Right, yeah.

Because remember those fish swimming in the sea?

Exactly.

We wanna make sure that water is as clear as possible.

So the big takeaway from this deep dive is that the family system has a huge impact on a child's development.

Yes.

Especially when ADD is involved.

And that the parent's own ability to self -regulate is crucial for creating a healthy and supportive environment.

So it's not just about managing the child's behavior.

Right.

It's about understanding the underlying emotional dynamics in the family.

Exactly, and it's about being willing to do our own inner work.

As parents.

As parents, as partners, as individuals.

And that brings us to our final thought for you today.

Okay.

Take a moment to think about the emotional climate in your own relationships.

Yeah.

How might being more aware of your own emotional state influence the people around you?

That's a great question.

What unfinished business might be shaping your interactions right now?

Fruit for thought.

Because often the first step to creating healthier connections is understanding ourselves.

Absolutely.

So thanks for taking this deep dive with us.

It's been a pleasure.

And we'll see you next time.

See you then.