Chapter 19: Just Looking for Attention

Welcome to Last Minute Lecture.

This free chapter overview is designed to help students review and understand key concepts.

These summaries supplement, not replace, the original textbook and may not be redistributed or resold.

For complete coverage, always consult the official text.

Okay, you ready to dive in?

Yeah, let's do it.

All right, so for anyone out there who is like me and you know, you really like to like cut through the noise and get to like what really matters, especially when we're talking about kids.

This one's for you.

Yeah, this deep dive I think is going to resonate with a lot of people.

I think so too, because we're really going after some of the stickiest and honestly kind of damaging ideas that float around about children who are labeled with attention deficit disorder.

What ADD?

Right, ADD, exactly.

And the material that we're looking at today, it kind of offers a breath of fresh air because it moves past those those kind of snap judgments that we make and tries to get to what might actually be going on under the surface.

Absolutely, you know, instead of just saying, oh, this kid is just this or that.

Yeah, you know, this deep dive looks the anxieties and needs of these children, which is so important to understand.

Yeah, so our mission today is to kind of sift through all of that and pull out the really valuable insights, you know, the kind of understanding that can help you really see these children in a new light and connect with them better.

That's right.

And the source material does a great job of like pulling apart five really specific myths that we hear all the time and then reframing them in a way that can make a huge difference.

OK, so let's just jump right in with the first one, because I think this is the one that most parents and teachers express the most frustration around.

And it's this idea that a child with ADD is just looking for attention.

It's almost like a way to just like dismiss the behavior.

It is.

And the source material actually says, you know, yes, the child is looking for attention, only there is no just about it.

Oh, I like that.

Right.

There is no just about it because it's so much deeper than that.

Exactly.

And it kind of, you know, when you think about the term attention deficit disorder,

it makes you think about it in a whole different way, because maybe these kids are actually, you know, in a way they have paid out more attention than they have received.

They're running a deficit in a way.

Yeah.

And that can kind of manifest in different ways, right?

Yeah.

You might have a child who's like dominating, you know, a parent's time to the point where siblings are like, hey, what about me?

You know?

Totally.

But the source material really points out that often by the time these patterns become really noticeable and really problematic,

the child is actually getting more negative attention, you know, in the form of like being scolded or, you know, the parent getting frustrated than actual positive nurturing connection.

It's true.

And it's it becomes a sort of like runaway train.

Yeah.

Where the kid acts out in a way that's disruptive and they get attention.

Yeah.

But it's the wrong kind of attention.

Right.

It's that negative attention and then that negative attention, even though it's attention, you know, it can actually be interpreted by the child, especially a young child, as a form of rejection.

Which just makes them more anxious and more in need of attention.

Yeah.

And so they act out even more.

And it's this horrible cycle.

And the thing is, it's the adults,

you know, we have the power to actually, you know, stop that runaway train.

That's a good analogy.

I like that.

It is.

So we have to realize that, you know, it's not just about reacting to the behavior, but it's about understanding what the unmet need is.

And trying to get ahead of it.

Yeah.

There's this great quote by Eric Erickson that I just love,

do not mistake a child for his symptom.

Oh, that's good.

You know, so, you know, so often we look at the symptom, we're like, oh,

again, you know, with this behavior.

Right.

Like stop it.

Stop being so annoying.

Stop doing that.

Exactly.

But really what we need to do is look beyond that behavior and understand the child's experience.

And that's where that whole like approaching it with compassionate curiosity comes in.

Yeah.

Love that.

Instead of getting so frustrated with the, you know, what might seem like just obnoxious behavior.

Right.

And we have to remember it's, you know, it's coming from a place of, you know, deep need.

Yeah.

They're trying to tell us something.

It really is like a coded language, isn't it?

It is.

It's like a secret message that they don't even understand.

And the message is like, help.

You know, I need, I need, I need help.

I need you.

And I need you.

And, and I'm worried that you don't want me around.

Yeah.

And, and when I get anxious, I don't know how to just be okay by myself.

I think that's such a great way to look at it because so often, you know, the parent is just like,

oh my God, you've had so much attention.

Like what more do you want from me?

Right.

You know, but that's not what the kid needs.

Right.

It's not about that logical like reasoning in the moment.

No.

It's about something much deeper.

And yeah, the more we try to reason with them and say, oh, but I did give you attention.

It just reinforces the idea that we don't get them.

Right.

You know, they just feel misunderstood.

Yeah.

Misunderstood.

And like their needs aren't important.

Exactly.

Which is like the opposite of what we want them to feel.

Yeah.

And you know, this is something that the book calls look at me -ism.

Oh, I like that.

Which is kind of this insatiable need for attention.

And it can be really self -defeating because, you know, you're only getting the attention after you've demanded it.

Right.

And so it doesn't actually fill that need for connection.

Right.

So it's like, it's never enough.

It's never enough.

And it shouldn't be like that.

Right.

Like children shouldn't have to like earn our attention, you know, whether it's through acting out in negative ways or, you know, constantly like seeking our approval or, you know, whatever it is.

And Gordon Neufeld, I mean, he says it so well.

He says we have to satiate the child with attention stuff, her full of it, until it's coming out of her ears.

I love that.

I know.

It's so good.

And that is just,

we have to be proactive in giving attention, not just reacting when they demand it.

Right.

We have to fill their cup up before it gets empty.

Yeah.

And obviously we can't, you know, meet every demand for attention in the moment.

Like sometimes we have to say no.

Right.

But the point is that we can say no in a way that's kind and firm and focused on our needs without making the child feel bad.

Right.

And it's not even just the no itself.

It's like the energy behind the no.

Yeah.

You know, sometimes when you're just like so irritated.

Yeah.

That punishing irritability, you know, that comes through.

And that's what the child picks up on.

Totally.

More so even than the actual word no.

Exactly.

And it's interesting because, you know, when we think about this demand for attention as a symptom of that deeper emotional hunger, it kind of makes sense that, you know, a child who's experienced emotional wounds might interpret even like a necessary refusal as personal rejection.

Totally.

Even if that's not our intention at all.

And that's why it's so important to just, you know, learn to refuse a demand without, you know, making the child feel bad.

Right.

Without blaming them or shaming them.

Right.

And the interesting thing is, you know, when the child does have that like negative reaction to the refusal, you know, whether it's anger or frustration or, you know, full blown meltdown,

the source material suggests like really trying to meet that reaction with compassion.

Yeah.

And like actually enduring it instead of trying to like immediately shut it down.

Yeah.

Don't try to fix it.

Just be with them in their emotion.

And it's interesting because the source material suggests that allowing them to actually experience those feelings fully can actually help them move to a place of sadness where our empathy can actually be really effective.

True.

And so now this brings us to like this other interesting point that the source material makes, which is about our lifestyle.

As parents.

As parents.

Right.

And how that can really affect, you know, our children and their needs.

Yeah.

It talks about how, you know, this increase in workaholism and like our crazy busy schedules that everyone has these days, it's really impacting kids.

You know?

Totally.

It's like we're all just so busy all the time.

Right.

And the source material actually highlights some research that shows like how little, you know, one on one time a lot of parents are actually spending with their children.

It's crazy.

It's like minutes a day.

Yeah.

And, you know, then you look at like the average work year has increased and it's like, are we starving our kids of attention?

It's a really interesting way to think about it.

And I think especially, you know, for a child who already has like a different kind of wiring, so to speak.

Like a child with ADD.

Yeah.

Child with ADD.

It's like these these lifestyle factors might actually need to become non -negotiable areas for change.

It's true.

Like we as parents might need to make some really significant sacrifices to actually be more available for our kids.

It might mean cutting back on work or other activities.

And I think that's a really hard pill to swallow for a lot of parents.

But you know, the source material really presents it as like a foundational element for a child's well -being.

Absolutely.

OK, so we've talked about that first myth that a child is just looking for attention.

Right.

Let's move on to the second one, which is, I think, something that all of us as adults can relate to feeling at times.

And it's that idea that the child is deliberately trying to annoy us.

Oh, yeah.

Like they're doing it on purpose just to push our buttons.

Exactly.

And, you know, it can feel so real.

And I think especially with, you know, bright, capable kids who seem to know what they're doing, it can feel like a really logical conclusion.

Right.

It's like, you know, you're not supposed to do that.

Why are you doing that?

Exactly.

And the source material even acknowledges that.

Yeah.

But it's very direct in saying, fortunately, that assumption is wrong.

These children are not that cunning or that malevolent.

Thank goodness.

I know.

Right?

We can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Exactly.

But it really challenges us to not assume that we know what's going on in somebody else's head.

Totally.

Whether it's our child, our partner, whoever.

Right.

Because we don't.

We don't.

And that brings us to this concept of intentional thinking.

And the source material quotes this family therapist, David Freeman, who said,

you know, we really often don't truly know the motivations of even the people closest to us.

It's so true.

It is.

And it's so interesting because the stories we tell ourselves about why someone is doing something really probably say more about us and our own anxieties and our past experiences.

Than about the other person's intentions.

Exactly.

And that the source material makes this really important point that when we get stuck in that like ascribing motive, like saying you're doing this because exactly you're doing this because you want to, you know, whatever, fill in the blank.

You want to make me mad.

All right.

You want attention.

It actually shuts down our curiosity.

Yeah.

We stop asking questions.

We stop trying to understand.

And that's where compassion goes out the window.

Right.

And then there's this quote by this Zen master, Shunri Suzuki about like cultivating a beginner's mind.

I love that idea.

And it's so true.

It's like approaching every moment and every person with that openness and that willingness to learn something new instead of just filtering everything through these judgments that we've already made.

Yeah.

And that's so important when it comes to kids, because these negative judgments that we make, even if we don't say them out loud, they can really impact kids.

Oh yeah.

They can internalize them and grow up feeling like they were bad kids.

And it's interesting because the source material uses this really powerful example of adults with ADD who carry this feeling of having been bad kids.

Yeah.

That's heartbreaking.

It is.

And it's important to remember that those difficult behaviors that we see as annoying or manipulative or whatever,

they often come from this really deep place of maybe a desperate search for connection or trouble with self -regulation or all these things.

Impulsive control.

Yeah.

All these things that are really about vulnerability.

Yeah.

And distress.

Distress.

Exactly.

And not about this intentional,

I'm going to be a bad kid.

It's not about that.

And even in the rare cases where there might be an element of conscious, harmful intent,

the source material still says maintain that compassionate curiosity.

Right.

Like why would a child want to do harm?

Yeah.

What's going on in their world?

What's going on that's making them feel that way?

That's correct.

And it really comes down to these really powerful questions of like, you know, what might have happened in this child's life to make them feel this way?

What's happening now?

Right.

What's happening now in their life that's contributing to these actions?

And it's really about, you know, recognizing that we don't have all the answers.

Yeah.

There's so much more we can find out if we just admit that we don't know everything.

I love that so much we can discover when we admit that we don't know.

Totally.

Okay.

So we talked about just looking for attention.

We've talked about deliberately trying to annoy us.

Let's go to the third myth.

Okay.

Which is another one of those like intentional thinking kind of things.

And it's this idea that the child is purposefully manipulating the parent.

Oh yeah.

This one can feel so real for parents.

Oh my God.

You can feel so real in the moment and it can be so frustrating.

Yeah.

It's like they're pulling your strings like a puppet.

Exactly.

And it's like, how can this little person like be so manipulative and controlling?

Right.

But the source material really tackles this head on and says straight up, no child is by nature manipulative.

No child is by nature controlling.

It just doesn't come naturally to them.

It's not like they're born that way.

And actually the source material says these kind of behaviors actually come from feelings of weakness and anxieties, not from a place of strength.

Right.

Which is interesting because we tend to associate manipulation with having power over a situation.

Total.

So to think that it actually comes from a place of weakness and insecurity is really interesting.

Like someone who feels really strong and secure doesn't need to manipulate.

Right.

They're not coming from that place of fear.

Right.

And if you think about it, the power imbalance between an adult and a child, it's natural for a child to test boundaries and try to exert some influence.

Yeah.

I mean, they're in this position where they're constantly being told what to do.

Right.

So of course they're going to try to figure out ways to get their needs met.

And Gordon Noonfield has this great quote about this.

He says, the most ridiculous thing we can say is that my child is trying to manipulate me.

It's like saying the rain is wet.

Of course children want to get their own way.

And often they can do that only if they get the adult to go along with them.

Right.

It's like it's just part of being a kid.

You know, it's not this malicious thing.

Right.

And it's interesting because the source material says, you know, the problem arises when a child learns through repeated experiences that openly and directly expressing their needs doesn't work.

Yeah.

Or maybe they've been hurt so many times that they can't even identify their real needs anymore.

Right.

So they resort to manipulation because it's the only way they know how to get what they need.

And it's so sad because it's not effective.

No, it's dysfunctional.

It really is.

And the source material gives these really relatable examples like, you know, wanting an inappropriate toy or candy.

Or staying up late.

Yeah.

All those things that kids try to manipulate us with.

And it's like, you know, we can't just give in to their demands, but we also can't just focus on the behavior.

Right.

We have to look deeper.

We have to address those underlying anxieties and create an environment where they feel safe and secure.

So that they don't feel like they have to resort to manipulation.

And the hopeful message here is that, you know, this isn't a fixed personality trait.

It's a learned behavior.

It is.

It's a learned behavior that can change.

In a more supportive environment.

Yes.

In a supportive environment where they feel seen and heard and loved.

Absolutely.

OK.

So let's move on to myth number four.

OK.

Which is this idea that the ADD child's behavior causes the adult's tension or anger.

Yeah.

Which is such an easy trap to fall into.

It is because in the heat of the moment, it feels so true.

It does because when we're feeling that anger or frustration, it's so easy to blame the child.

Right.

Like if you weren't acting this way, I wouldn't be so angry.

Exactly.

But the thing is, our emotions are our own.

That's right.

They belong to us.

Whether it's anger,

anxiety, sadness, whatever.

It's coming from inside of us.

It's our baggage.

Yeah.

And our life experiences shape how we react to things.

Right.

And so while a child's behavior can definitely trigger those feelings, it doesn't cause them.

Yeah.

It's like the child might light the match.

But we're the ones with the pile of kindling.

Exactly.

And the source material uses this example of a parent getting angry at a child for dawdling.

Oh, yeah.

That's a relatable one.

I know.

Right.

We've all been there.

So the kid is dawdling and the parent is like, you know, come on, we got to go.

We're late.

And they're getting more frustrated.

And then they explode.

Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, the child's slowness might have triggered the anger, but the child didn't cause the parent's capacity for rage.

Right.

It's not the child's fault that the parent has that level of anger inside of them.

Exactly.

And that's a really important distinction to make.

It is.

And it's interesting because, you know, the same behavior from the child might get a totally different reaction from the parent on a different day.

It's true.

Depending on how the parent is feeling.

You know, maybe they're rested and feeling good.

Or maybe they're stressed out from work.

Or maybe they're just in a bad mood.

Right.

And that's why it's so important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state.

And to recognize that their feelings are their own.

And the source material makes this really powerful point that when we start to acknowledge that it takes a huge burden off of the child, because the child is no longer responsible for how we're feeling.

Right.

And that can be so freeing for a child.

It can.

I mean, it can be hard to really grasp this idea.

It is.

Because we're so used to associating our feelings with, like, what's happening around us.

Right.

Especially as kids.

Right.

When we're little, you know, our parents' emotions really do affect us.

Totally.

But as adults, we have more control over our own emotional responses.

And we need to own that.

We do.

And the source material has this great analogy about someone stepping on your foot on a crowded bus.

Yeah.

Like, your reaction really depends on your own internal state at that moment.

You're right.

Not just the fact that someone stepped on your foot.

Exactly.

And there's that even more powerful analogy of the shotgun.

Oh, yeah.

Where the child's behavior is the trigger, but the parent's emotional state is the bullet.

And if the gun isn't loaded,

the trigger doesn't do anything.

But if there's a bullet in there, watch out, it's going to be a big explosion.

Exactly.

And it's so true, because sometimes our anxiety about our child's behavior actually makes things worse.

It's like we're adding fuel to the fire.

Exactly.

And so it's about shifting from that place of blame and reaction to place of curiosity and understanding.

Yeah.

You know, instead of trying to control the situation, let's try to understand what's going on for the child.

That's so powerful.

It is.

OK, so let's move on to the fifth and final myth we're going to unpack today, which is this idea that children with ADD are lazy.

Oh, yeah.

This is such a common one.

It is.

And it's so damaging.

It's so damaging.

And the source material is very clear that this is just a judgment that doesn't actually explain anything.

It's lazy thinking.

It is.

To just label a child as lazy.

And it's interesting because, you know, people who are labeled as lazy can be very energetic and active when they're interested in something.

So it's not about like an inherent lack of motivation or energy.

It's about how they relate to the world.

Exactly.

And the source material suggests that this relationship starts with the family.

Right.

And they share this really interesting anecdote about a 12 year old son who was asked to help with some chores and he was so resistant.

Oh, a bit.

And he was like complaining and he was like, I always have to do everything.

Oh, yeah.

Classic.

Right.

And the source material suggests that this wasn't meant to be taken literally.

It was more like coded language.

Yeah.

And they suggest that what he was really saying was something like, you know, from a very I've had to work so hard just to maintain a connection with you, my parents.

Wow.

And I'm exhausted from doing that work.

And now I don't want to do any more of the work that you should have been doing all along.

Oh, my gosh.

That is so profound.

It is, isn't it?

It's like he's saying, I'm tired of having to carry the weight of this relationship.

Yes.

You know, you guys should be putting in the effort too.

And what's so interesting is that the solution wasn't about coercing him or bribing him to help.

It was about the parents reconnecting with him on an emotional level.

And then he started helping more spontaneously.

Because he felt connected.

Exactly.

Wow.

And this kind of brings us to this idea of automatic resistance, which I think is so common with children who have ADD.

It is.

And it can be so frustrating.

It can.

But the source material reminds us that this resistance has a purpose.

It has meaning.

It does.

It's another form of communication.

It is.

It's them trying to tell us something, even if they don't know how to say it directly.

So instead of labeling them as lazy, we need to try to understand what's behind that resistance.

Exactly.

That's so important.

It is.

Wow.

Well, we have done it.

We have unpacked five really pervasive and really damaging misconceptions about children with ADD.

We have.

Then it's been really eye -opening.

It has.

And I think the biggest takeaway for me is just how important it is to look beyond those surface behaviors and try to understand what's really going on for these kids.

So just to kind of recap, what might seem like just looking for attention is actually a deep need for connection and security.

That assumption that a child is deliberately trying to annoy us can actually blind us to their vulnerability.

And their struggles.

And their struggles, exactly.

And that behaviors that we might see as purposeful manipulation actually often stem from this place of weakness and unmet needs.

And that our emotional reactions are our responsibility.

Not the child's.

Exactly.

And that what we might perceive as laziness is actually often a coded message about their relationships.

So true.

And so the overarching theme here is really that compassionate curiosity.

It's about looking beyond the behavior and trying to understand the underlying needs and anxieties and what the child might be trying to communicate even if they don't know how to say it directly.

And recognizing our own role in these interactions.

It's not all about the child.

It's not all about the child.

That's such a good point.

So for you, our listener, I want to leave you with this thought.

Think about one interaction you've had recently where one of these myths might have influenced how you saw a child's behavior.

And how might understanding these insights change your approach in the future?

That's a great question for everyone to ponder.

It is.

And I can confidently say that we have covered everything.

We did it.

We did it.

I'm exhausted.

Me too.