Chapter 17: Wooing the Child

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Okay, so, you know, we've been diving into this topic and I'm finding it fascinating.

Absolutely.

Especially all the stuff, you know, that you sent over about...

Oh yeah, the parent -child relationship piece.

The parent and child, and I think especially in the context of what we've been talking about with, you know...

Kids who have challenges.

Challenges that sometimes get labeled as, you know, ADD or ADHD or, you know, any of those things that you're like, oh, there's this, you know, thing.

But actually if we look deeper, maybe there's something else going on.

I think what's really fascinating from these sources is that it suggests that we look at things a little differently than we typically do.

Okay.

Because I think a lot of times we tend to focus on the behaviors.

Right.

Like, what's the problem?

Yeah, what's the problem?

The, you know, disorganization, the difficulty concentrating,

the, you know, impulsivity.

But this material is suggesting that maybe we need to look at those outward behaviors as kind of a signal of some deeper emotional needs that aren't being met.

And so I think the real key here is that shift.

From looking at symptoms to understanding the underlying needs.

So instead of just saying like, oh, this is the problem that we need to fix.

Exactly.

It's like, well, why is this problem even happening in the first place?

Exactly.

And then how does that relate back to the relationship?

Right.

You know?

And I think that's the piece that's so powerful in these sources.

Yeah.

I think that's where we really want to focus this deep dive is how do we take what we've learned from these sources and actually come up with some principles that we can apply to strengthen that parent -child bond and really foster the kind of development that we want to see.

Exactly.

And I think, you know, a really good place to start is with Brian's story.

Yes.

Which is so compelling.

Brian is 11 years old, fifth grade, and his parents are really at their wits end describing all kinds of difficulties that he's having.

Yeah.

It's like classic stuff that you hear, you know, like the disorganization, the attention span.

Yeah.

The short attention span.

Easily distracted.

Distractable.

Yeah.

But it went beyond that.

Oh, yeah.

It was like the mood swings were intense.

Yeah.

There were big mood fluctuations.

Yeah.

You get really angry.

Yeah.

Rage.

And it's interesting because his mom even talked about how like they felt like they were constantly walking on eggshells, like they were always afraid of what was going to set him off.

Right.

And then even when they tried to like step in or help or guide him, it's like he would just shut down.

He would shut down.

He'd cover his ears.

Literally cover his ears.

Yeah.

And she was saying, you know, bedtimes were a nightmare.

Yeah.

School mornings were a huge battle.

And even just like family meal times, which you think of as, you know, this time to connect.

It was just like.

It was so stressful.

This point of tension.

Yeah.

So and the initial advice that they were given, which I thought was really interesting, is like, hold off on any formal assessment or labels right now.

Exactly.

Let's just focus on your interaction with Brian.

And there was this really, I thought, insightful hypothesis that emerged that maybe this hostility wasn't just random misbehavior, but that maybe it was coming from this place of feeling disconnected from his parents.

That's right.

Emotionally cut off.

He was experiencing their attempts at discipline, even their frustrations with him.

Yeah.

As rejection.

As rejection.

Yeah.

So it's like all of these challenging behaviors are enacting out.

Of pain.

Out pain and insecurity.

Wow.

And so, I mean, how do you even begin to address that?

Well, and that's where I think the referral to this developmental psychologist was really insightful.

Okay.

And this developmental psychologist was very much, you know, focused on attachment -based therapy.

Right.

Understanding those early relationships.

Right.

Understanding how those early relationships shape our emotional development and really looking at the relationship as the primary vehicle for healing.

Yeah.

And the counseling was really aimed at re -establishing a safe and supportive, non -adversarial relationship.

Which is probably the opposite of what they were experiencing.

Right.

Exactly.

It was all adversarial.

Yeah.

And what I thought was so interesting is that before they even tackled the academic challenges,

the tension challenges, anything like that, the psychologist did an assessment of Brian's emotional development.

Specifically in relation to his parents.

Specifically in relation to his parents, and this is where it gets really interesting.

They found his emotional development in that context to be at the level of like an anxiety -ridden

toddler.

Wow.

So here's this 11 -year -old kid.

Right.

But emotionally when he's interacting with his parents, it's like...

He's a toddler.

He's a toddler who's terrified.

Right.

And so all of a sudden these behaviors start to make a lot more sense.

Absolutely.

Not just, oh, he's defiant.

Right.

No, he's actually coming from this place of like deep insecurity.

Deep insecurity.

And so the question then becomes, what happens when they start to actually focus on that

relational piece?

Yeah.

What changes did they see?

Well, within about three months, his parents reported a really significant shift.

That's encouraging.

Those big blow -ups, those explosive outbursts, they pretty much stopped.

And even when they did happen, they were much shorter, much less intense.

And even just like the daily friction points, like the mornings and the bedtimes, those got a lot better, too.

That's a huge relief for everyone, I imagine.

Yeah.

So it's interesting that just focusing on that relationship started to really shift things in a positive direction.

Yeah.

But it's important to say, like, that doesn't mean all of a sudden Brian's challenges with attention and organization just disappeared.

Right.

Like those were still there.

Absolutely.

But there were other really positive changes that happened as well.

Totally.

Like he became much more motivated.

OK.

He seemed more resilient when he hit a setback.

He didn't just, like, completely fall apart, and he was more willing to accept help from his parents.

Wow, that's huge.

Yeah.

He was even able to, like, admit when he was struggling without feeling like the whole world was against him.

That's a sign of maturity for sure.

Right.

And that's like a huge emotional step for a kid to be able to do that.

I think it speaks to this idea that when a child feels safe and understood and connected,

they're more able to face their challenges.

So it was around this time that the idea of medication came up.

OK.

And I think it's interesting that the source material points out that the parents had different opinions on this.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

The dad was leaning towards trying medication, you know, maybe as a support.

Yeah.

But the mom really felt strongly that they should keep focusing on building the relationship.

Right.

And building Brian's self -esteem.

OK.

And just see how things went.

Yeah.

For a few more months, you know.

I think it speaks to this idea that even when medication might be part of the equation,

that that connection.

With that relationship.

That relationship is so essential for long -term well -being.

You can't just medicate your way out of a relationship problem.

Exactly.

And the source material makes this really interesting point about kids who are often described as having ADD.

OK.

It says they're often highly sensitive to the negative things in their environment.

Yeah.

You know, like stress or, you know, tension or criticism.

But they're also highly sensitive in a positive way.

Oh, interesting.

To nurturing and support.

So that same sensitivity that can make them vulnerable.

Yeah.

Is also an opportunity for growth.

Right.

So Brian was super reactive to, you know, his parents' anxiety or frustration.

But he also, like, totally blossomed.

OK.

When they were able to create that more secure and accepting environment.

And it's interesting, the source points out that he was actually, like, a really warm and affectionate kid, which is something that they say, you know, is not uncommon for kids with these kinds of challenges.

So he wasn't, like, you know, this difficult child.

At his core, he was actually, like, really loving.

But he needed that right environment to thrive.

And the changes in him were pretty dramatic.

Like, he showed some surprising emotional growth.

Yeah.

It's amazing how much of a difference it made.

In a pretty short period of time.

And I think this brings us to a really foundational principle that is emphasized in these sources, which is that regardless of whether or not medication is used,

what parents do to emotionally draw their child closer is going to be more important than anything else.

In the long run.

In the long run.

Right.

Like, the actions speak louder than the pills.

Exactly.

And this idea really resonated with Stanley Greenspan's concept of wooing the child into relationship.

Yeah, that's a beautiful phrase.

Wooing the child.

Wooing the child into relationship.

Into relationship.

Yeah.

And the source really stresses that this secure attachment forms the bedrock.

The foundation.

The foundation upon which everything else is built.

You know, if you try to do all the learning strategies and the behavioral stuff, but the relationship is not solid.

Yeah.

It's like you're trying to build a house on sand.

You've got to have that solid foundation first.

Exactly.

And then the source goes on to talk about five principles.

Okay.

Can be really helpful.

In restoring and solidifying this attachment.

Yeah.

And it's important to say these aren't just for kids who, you know, have been labeled with ADD.

Right.

These are actually like foundational principles for working with any child.

Especially children who are struggling.

Especially children who are struggling.

Yeah.

So let's dive into them.

The first principle is the parent takes active responsibility and the phrase that they use is invite the child.

Invite the child.

And the idea here is that parents need to enthusiastically and genuinely invite their child into connection and relationship.

Every day.

Every single day.

And not just through words, but through their actions.

Yeah.

It's not enough to just say, I love you.

Right.

You have to show it.

You've got to show it.

With your time, your attention.

Yeah.

Your presence.

Your presence.

And the goal here is to really foster that child's self -acceptance.

Right.

Because so often these kids who are struggling, they have this deep insecurity about themselves.

Because they don't feel worthy.

Yeah.

And so to just constantly be showing them through your actions that their presence is valued.

Yeah.

That their being is enjoyed.

That they're a delight.

Yeah.

That's huge.

It is.

And they make this really interesting point about who initiates the interaction.

So they say, whenever possible, the parent should be the one to actively invite.

That's interesting.

And I think that's kind of counterintuitive, because you might think, well, my kid's already demanding all my attention, why should I be the one to invite them?

But the idea is that - When you're responding to their demands.

When you're only responding to their demands, it can feel to the child like you're just reacting to a need.

Not that you genuinely want to be with them.

Exactly.

And so there's this subtle difference there.

But to the child, it's huge.

Right.

Because it's like - They may not feel like their need for connection is actually being met.

Yeah.

So the suggestion is to really look for those times when the child's not actively asking for attention.

Yeah.

And to initiate positive contact then.

Okay.

Or even when you are responding to a request.

Yeah.

You know, like if your kid asks to play a game to really amp up the enthusiasm and make it feel like you're inviting them.

Like they're the one doing you a favor.

Yeah.

Almost like they're the one doing you a favor.

Oh, I love that.

You know, like, oh my gosh, that's such a great idea.

I was just thinking about how we could spend some time together.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you asked.

I'm so glad you thought of that.

Yeah.

And it's really about shifting that dynamic so that the child feels like they're being into something special.

They're wanted.

Yeah.

They're wanted.

They're enjoyed.

Just for being them.

Just for being them.

Not for doing anything.

Not for achieving anything.

And I think that analogy of wooing is so helpful.

I love that analogy.

Because it really emphasizes that intentionality.

Yeah.

Like you're not just passively parenting, you're actually actively pursuing a relationship with your child.

Pursuing connection.

Yeah.

Okay.

So principle number two,

the parent does not judge the child.

Okay.

This is a big one.

And the actual technique is so simple, it's like avoid pointing out false mistakes,

shortcomings.

Don't criticize.

Don't criticize.

But it's so much easier said than done.

I know.

But the goal here is to increase the child's sense of security and to reduce shame.

And the source material talks about how shame is so pervasive for kids with these kinds of challenges.

It's this deep sense of unworthiness.

Yeah.

And it can manifest in so many ways.

It could be like those self -deprecating statements like, I'm so stupid, I'm such a loser.

Or it could be like a denial of their negative contribution in a conflict.

Right.

They just blame everyone else.

Yeah.

And the thing about shame that I think is so important to understand is...

It's not logical.

It's not logical.

You can't argue someone out of shame.

You can't, yeah, you can't be like, well, actually, you're really smart.

It doesn't work.

Or, you know, you actually did contribute to this problem because shame is not about logic.

It's an emotional experience.

It's an emotional experience.

And so trying to counter it with logic doesn't work.

And the best way to deal with shame is to not feed it.

Don't feed it.

Right.

Don't give it any more power.

Don't say anything that's going to make that child feel worse.

Yeah.

And criticism coming from a parent.

Especially from a parent.

Is like the worst thing you can do because you're that primary attachment figure.

The person they depend on for love and security.

And even if we don't consciously intend to be critical, you know, our tone.

Our tone of voice.

Our body language.

Our facial expressions.

That can all communicate criticism.

And children are very attuned to that.

Oh, yeah.

And the source material makes this point that, you know, the emotional processing centers in our brains are wired to interpret a critical tone as rejection.

As invalidation.

Yeah.

Which just feeds the shame.

Which just feeds the shame.

And so it's like, even if your intention is to help the child, you know, learn a skill or address a behavior.

If you approach it from a critical place.

If you approach it with a critical tone, it's like, it's going to backfire.

It's going to backfire.

So it's so important to approach these situations with warmth and empathy.

With sensitivity.

Yeah.

And sometimes, especially if the relationship is already feeling kind of strained, it's better to just bite your tongue than to say anything at all.

But to risk saying something that could damage the connection.

Because the message that you want to send is that your love and acceptance are unconditional.

They're not dependent on your child's performance or behavior.

And what's so cool is that as the child develops a stronger sense of self, they actually become more open to help and guidance and correction.

Because they don't feel threatened by it.

Yeah.

Because they know that it's not like, oh, if I mess up.

You're going to reject me.

You're going to abandon me.

You're going to stop loving me.

Exactly.

Okay.

So principle number three.

This one might seem a little counterintuitive.

The parent does not overpraise the child.

Don't overpraise.

Don't overpraise.

And the technique here is to give praise, but in a measured way.

Okay.

And to really focus on reflecting back the child's own feelings about what they accomplished.

See, so more about their internal experience than your evaluation of them.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because the goal is to reinforce this idea that their worth isn't tied to their achievements.

Right.

It's about who they are.

Yeah.

Not what they do.

And this reminds me of what Gordon Neufeld talks about.

Oh, yeah.

With the acquired self -esteem.

Acquired self -esteem.

Versus true self -esteem.

Yeah.

And the source material actually quotes him.

It says, we shouldn't build our children's self -esteem on how physically attractive or socially popular or intellectually smart they are or how well they perform academically.

Or athletically gifted.

Right.

Or athletically gifted because all of those things are so external.

Right.

They're fleeting.

They're fleeting.

Yeah.

And Neufeld says we need to help them develop a deeper, more solid self -esteem that isn't dependent on these external factors.

What other people think.

Right.

On what other people think.

And so when we over -praise, even though our intention might be good, it can actually send this message that we value what they do.

More than who they are.

More than who they are.

And that can make kids feel really uncomfortable.

Especially kids who are already feeling insecure.

Yeah.

And so instead of saying, you're so smart or you're so talented.

Which can feel kind of empty.

Yeah.

It can feel empty.

Yeah.

The suggestion is to focus on the effort and the child's own feelings about what they did.

So you could say something like, wow, you really worked hard on that.

Yeah.

You really worked hard on that.

You kept trying even when it was difficult.

You kept trying even when it was difficult.

Good for you.

Yeah.

And the source emphasizes how the child feels about their actions is more important than our evaluation of them.

Because even a positive evaluation is still an evaluation.

It's still judgment.

It's still judgment.

Yeah.

And what people need is acceptance.

Acceptance.

Not judgment.

Yeah.

Even positive judgment.

Okay.

Principle number four.

One.

Does not parent from anger.

This is a tough one.

Yeah.

It's so important.

And the technique is when you feel that anger rising.

Yeah.

Just stop.

Don't criticize.

Don't give orders.

Don't express opinions.

Just take a breath.

Take a breath.

Yeah.

Because the goal here is to avoid blaming the child.

Right.

For any kind of break in the connection.

Right.

And this is where that shame piece comes back in.

Because for kids who are already struggling with shame,

parental anger is like.

Devastating.

Devastating.

Yeah.

And even subtle signs of anger.

Like just a tightened face.

Yeah.

A harsh tone of voice.

Yeah.

Can trigger that shame response.

Yeah.

And it's like they feel this sudden loss of connection.

Right.

It's like that safe harbor is suddenly gone.

Yeah.

And it can trigger either.

Yeah.

Either shame or rage.

Or rage as a defense against the shame.

Right.

And it's like they feel like, oh, it's my fault.

It's like I've done something wrong.

You're upset with me because I'm bad.

Yeah.

And so that just reinforces this core belief.

Yeah.

That they're not worthy of love.

That they don't deserve connection.

And even defiant behavior can be a way of protecting themselves.

Right.

From that overwhelming shame.

It's like a wall they put up.

Yeah.

To protect themselves.

Right.

So the key here is not to avoid anger altogether because that's probably impossible.

Yeah.

But to manage it.

To manage it.

To be aware of it.

Yeah.

Because as parents, we're going to lose it sometimes.

Right.

Yeah.

Especially when you're dealing with challenging behaviors.

Right.

And so the advice here is to throw the clutch into neutral.

I love that analogy.

Yeah.

It's new filled again.

Yeah.

It's like, take a time out.

Let yourself cool down.

Regain your composure.

Yeah.

Before you try to interact with your child.

Because you can't teach.

Yeah.

From a place of anger.

You can't teach when you're dysregulated.

Exactly.

Your kid can't learn when they're dysregulated.

Right.

Their nervous system is in survival mode.

Yeah.

It's not in learning mode.

And the source material makes this interesting distinction between what they call cold anger.

Okay.

And warm anger.

Yeah.

So cold anger is like.

Attacking.

Attacking the child's character.

Yeah.

You know.

Threatening withdrawal.

Yeah.

You're bad and I'm leaving.

Yeah.

You're bad and I don't love you anymore.

Yeah.

Whereas warm anger.

Yeah.

Is more controlled.

It's still anger.

It's still anger, but it's like.

But it's directed at the behavior.

It's directed at the behavior, not the child.

And it maintains the connection.

Yeah.

So it's like, I'm angry about what you did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I still love you.

But I still love you and I'm still here.

Yeah.

And kids can handle that.

They can.

Especially if they know.

Yeah.

That the relationship is secure.

Right.

Okay.

And then principle number five.

The parent takes responsibility for restoring the relationship.

Okay.

And this one is so important.

Yeah.

The advice is don't wait for the child to reestablish contact.

Okay.

After a conflict.

So you're saying the parent should make the first move.

The parent should make the first move.

Okay.

And the reason is because you want to show the child that that attachment is stronger than anything.

Right.

It's stronger than their behavior.

It's stronger than your anger.

It's stronger than any disagreement.

It's unconditional.

It's unconditional.

And we have to remember as parents that we're going to mess up.

We're human.

We're going to make mistakes.

We're going to lose it sometimes.

We're going to lose it sometimes.

And that's okay.

That's okay.

As long as it doesn't happen all the time.

As long as it's not like a constant pattern.

Right.

And the problem is when we make the child feel like they have to earn back our love.

Right.

Like they have to apologize.

Yeah.

Or they have to do something to prove.

To prove that they're worthy.

Yeah.

That they're worthy.

And that can actually lead to more resentment.

Yeah.

It can lead to humiliation.

Yeah.

Not genuine remorse.

And so the idea is that nothing the child does.

Yeah.

Should fundamentally threaten the relationship.

Right.

So they shouldn't have to like work to get it back.

Exactly.

So if the parent has messed up, the parent has lost their temper.

Yeah.

It's the parent's responsibility to repair that.

To rebuild that bridge.

Yeah.

To rebuild that bridge.

And it doesn't have to be some big elaborate apology.

Right.

But just acknowledging what happened.

Yes.

Trying to understand the child's feelings.

Really listening to them.

Really listening to them without getting defensive.

Without justifying your behavior.

Yeah.

Because what you're modeling is that the relationship matters more than anything else.

It's more important than being right.

Yeah.

And that you're willing to put in the effort.

Yeah.

To repair it when it's been damaged.

And you're also modeling that it's okay to make mistakes.

Yeah.

And to repair them.

And it's like you're teaching them about the long game.

Right.

You're teaching them that like, yeah, we had this conflict.

But we can move forward.

We can move forward.

We can grow from it.

We can grow from it.

We can heal.

So I think what's so clear from these sources is that building a strong, secure,

nurturing parent -child relationship is not just a nice idea.

It's essential.

It's essential.

Especially for kids who are facing challenges.

Yeah.

And it's not just about saying the right words or doing all the right things.

It's about a way of being.

It's about a way of being.

It's about unconditional acceptance.

It's about understanding.

Yeah.

It's about putting in the effort.

Day after day.

Day after day.

And what I think is so cool is that these principles, even though we talked about them in the context of ADD,

they apply to any child.

To any relationship.

To any relationship where connection and understanding are important.

So think about your own relationships.

Yeah.

What could you do to nurture those connections?

To really put these principles into practice.

To show up with more acceptance.

More understanding.

More willingness to repair.

More willingness to make the first move.

Yeah.

And I think that's a really powerful place to leave people with.

It is.

Because it's hopeful.

Yeah.

And it's something that we can all do.

We can all start today.

Yeah.