Chapter 16: It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over

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Hey there, learner.

Welcome to another deep dive.

Yeah, glad to have you back.

We know you're all about maximizing your time and really getting into the meat of things.

So let's jump right into it today.

We're gonna explore this, I don't know, really encouraging idea, that idea that growth and healing are like lifelong possibilities, especially when we're thinking about ADD.

Right, that's exactly what we're gonna dig into today.

We're gonna be looking closely at a chapter titled, It Ain't Over Till It's Over, Unconditional Positive Regard.

This chapter goes way beyond just, you know, dealing with the everyday struggles.

It gets into the fundamental capacity of our brains and our personalities to actually evolve and heal throughout our entire lives.

Not just when we're young, not just during certain periods.

It's a process that can continue.

Like always happening.

Yeah, always happening, exactly.

And for this deep dive,

our mission is to really unpack the core insights from this chapter.

Like what's the real takeaway?

We wanna pull out that key information about how we continue to develop, how healing happens, and the essential role that our environment and our relationships play in that, especially thinking about ADD.

Especially in the context of ADD.

Yeah, and one of the biggest things that we're gonna look at right up front is the idea that our brains aren't just fixed.

They're not like static.

They're constantly changing and adapting, even as adults.

You know, I think a lot of times we think of the brain as kind of, okay, it develops, it reaches a certain point, and then that's kind of it.

But the science tells us that's absolutely not the case.

It's definitely not the case.

And one of the coolest things I found in the chapter is the concept of neuroplasticity.

Like this is really the bedrock of this optimistic view.

You know, neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to reorganize itself, forming new neural connections all the time.

It's kind of amazing when you think about it.

It's like, it's always evolving, right?

Always.

In response to our experiences, what we learn, even injuries.

Wow, that's incredible.

So the chapter really digs into this by looking at Dr.

Marion Cleaves Diamond and her research with rats.

I'm really curious to hear more about her discoveries.

Yeah, she's like a pioneer in this area.

Her research was truly groundbreaking.

She studied groups of rats throughout their entire lifespans.

Like she looked at newborns, she looked at older animals, but she didn't just like observe them.

She put them in really different environments.

Some were isolated with hardly any stimulation while others lived in enriched environments.

Enriched, like what does that even mean for a rat?

Well, they got lots of social interaction, a bunch of toys to play with.

She even made sure they had really good nutrition.

She wanted to see if these different environments actually changed their brains.

And I bet it did, right?

It's not just like us humans who get affected by our surroundings, I'm guessing.

You're absolutely right.

It wasn't just about the young brains.

When Dr.

Diamond examined the brains of those rats, she found that the ones in the enriched environments had some pretty noticeable physical differences.

Oh, so you could actually see it like in their brain structure?

Yeah, literally.

Their cortexes, you know, the outer layer of the brain that handles all the higher level thinking and reasoning,

those were thicker in the rats who lived in those stimulating environments.

And it wasn't just that.

Their nerve cells were bigger and they had like more complex branching patterns.

That means they had more connections between neurons, even a better blood supply.

So basically their brains were like supercharged because of their environment.

Pretty much.

And here's the kicker.

Even the older rats, like the ones way past middle age, even they showed a ton of growth in those connecting branches after spending just a month in the enriched environment.

Wait, so even though they were older, their brains could still change that much.

Yeah, they could.

And it was a lot more growth than the rats who stayed in the less stimulating conditions, like almost twice as much.

Wow.

Okay, so the takeaway here for you learner is this.

The age of your brain doesn't matter as much as we thought.

Dr.

Diamond herself said it.

You can see structural differences in the brain based on the stimulation they receive at any age.

That's huge.

It means our brains have the capacity to respond and change no matter how old we are.

It's like there's always potential for growth, which is pretty amazing, right?

And it gets even more encouraging.

The research also showed that even the animals who were deprived before they were even born or who had specific damage to their brains as babies.

Oh wow, so even with those kinds of challenges.

Yeah, even then.

They could still compensate.

When they were put into those stimulating environments with lots of support, their brains started to change.

New connections formed.

It's like their brains were finding ways to adapt and overcome those early obstacles.

That's gonna be so encouraging for people who maybe had a rough start in life.

It's like saying it's not a life sentence.

Your brain can still find ways to grow and heal.

Exactly, and it really gets you thinking, right?

It's not just brains.

The chapter draws this really cool parallel to other parts of our bodies, like our muscles, our hearts, our lungs.

They all adapt and change based on how we use them and the environment we're in.

It's only natural that our brains would do the same thing.

I mean, they're complex, they're dynamic, and they're constantly interacting with everything around us.

So it's like we're always shaping our brains, whether we realize it or not.

Yeah, exactly, it's a constant process.

And we see this in human development too.

Think about those cases where babies have significant brain injuries, sometimes even losing an entire half of their brain.

It's heartbreaking, but what's incredible is that many of those children go on to develop almost normal function.

How is that even possible?

Because their brains are amazing.

The remaining parts of the brain step up and reorganize themselves.

They take over the functions that were lost.

It's like the brain has this built -in mechanism to adapt and find a way.

That's mind -blowing.

Okay, so while we know that our brains can change throughout our lives, does the chapter talk about whether that ability changes as we age?

It does.

It acknowledges that things might slow down a bit as we get older, like the pace and extent of that plasticity might shift, but we definitely don't completely lose it.

Okay, good.

I was worried there for a second.

I mean, think about stroke recovery.

It's a perfect example.

When someone has a stroke, those damaged nerve cells don't just magically regenerate, right?

But so many people who have strokes are able to regain abilities they lost, like speech or movement.

And that happens because the brain forms new circuits, new pathways to compensate for the damage.

So even though those original cells are gone, the brain figures out a workaround.

That's incredible.

It really shows that our brains are constantly rewiring themselves, even as adults.

Absolutely, it's like this ongoing process of adaptation and optimization.

And the chapter delves into how this rewiring actually happens, focusing on those little connections between our brain cells called synapses.

Synapses.

Yeah, they're like the communication hubs between neurons.

And what's cool is that they're not fixed.

They can change in strength and efficiency based on a bunch of factors.

How often they're used, the chemicals floating around in our brains when we're feeling different emotions, even the influence of other brain circuits.

It's all connected.

It's like a complex dance happening in our brains all the time.

Exactly.

And it's constantly being choreographed by our experiences.

The chapter even quotes a neurologist, Antonio Demacio, who says that experience shapes the design of those brain circuits, and that they're constantly being molded and modified by what we go through.

It's not a one -time thing, it's always happening.

Wow, so what we do and how we feel actually changes the physical structure of our brains.

That's amazing.

It really is.

And this brings us to a key concept when we're thinking about ADD.

It's called situationality.

You know, how someone with ADD might be super focused on something in one environment, but then struggle to pay attention to the same thing somewhere else.

Oh yeah, I've definitely seen that.

Like, they can hyper -focus on a video game for hours, but then can't sit still for 10 minutes during a lesson.

Exactly.

And the chapter explains that this isn't just about a general lack of focus.

It's about how our emotions in a particular situation can totally change our ability to pay attention.

Like if we're anxious or bored, those synapses might not fire as efficiently.

So it's like our emotions are directly impacting how our brains work in that moment.

They really are.

And the chapter connects this to what we now understand about ADD.

It's not just about being fidgety or distractible.

It's about how well the higher level thinking parts of the brain can regulate the more emotional centers.

And get this, research by Dr.

Francine Banais shows that the connections between those areas actually continue to mature well into our 50s and even 60s.

Wait, really?

I thought brain development was mostly done by the time we're adults.

Nope.

It's a much longer process than most people think.

This means that the way our thinking and our emotions work together is constantly evolving for decades.

It's like we're always fine tuning that connection between logic and feeling.

That's hopeful, right?

It means that there's always room for improvement for greater integration between those different parts of ourselves.

Exactly.

And the chapter suggests that this integration is key to healing and growth in ADD.

It's like when those connections aren't working as well, that's when you get that feeling of a fragmented or scattered mind.

It's like the different parts of the brain aren't quite on the same page.

Yeah, I can see how that would be really frustrating.

Knowing that our brains have this incredible potential to keep growing and changing, even in the face of challenges like ADD, where does the chapter go from there?

It brings in the work of Dr.

Stanley Greenspan,

a child psychiatrist who worked a lot with kids on the autism spectrum.

Autism is often considered a more severe neurodevelopmental condition than ADD.

Right, so if there's potential for change in those cases, there's gotta be hope for ADD as well.

That's exactly the point.

Dr.

Greenspan saw some amazing progress in these kids.

He had them develop cognitive, emotional, and social skills that were right on track with their typically developing peers.

And sometimes they even surpassed them.

So even with autism, there was this amazing potential for growth.

Absolutely, and that led Dr.

Greenspan to ask a really important question.

He said, if kids with such significant challenges can experience this kind of transformation through consistent support and interaction, what's possible for individuals with what we might consider lesser challenges, like ADD?

It's like he's challenging us to rethink our assumptions, right?

To see the potential for positive change rather than focusing on limitations.

Exactly,

and the chapter frames this as a call to action for everyone involved in the lives of people with ADD, parents, educators, therapists, and even adults with ADD themselves.

It's about actively working to support and nurture that continued growth, both in the brain and emotionally.

It's like, it's not a hopeless situation.

We have the power to make a real difference.

Absolutely, and while it might be challenging, it's definitely not impossible, and that brings us to a really important piece of the puzzle, the role of our relationships and the concept of unconditional positive regard.

This is where it gets really human, right?

It's not just about brain science anymore.

It's about the power of connection and how we treat each other.

Yeah, for sure, and the chapter really dives into this by looking at the work of Carl Rogers, a psychologist who believed that humans are fundamentally good and have an inherent potential for growth.

He challenged that old idea that kids are naturally selfish or wild and need to be tamed.

So it's not about controlling them or forcing them into a mold, but about providing the right environment for them to flourish.

Exactly.

Rogers acknowledged that babies go through a phase where they're totally focused on their own needs, like it's all about them, but he saw this as a normal stage of development, not a sign of being bad.

It's just that they're completely dependent on their caregivers.

It makes sense when you think about it.

They don't have the capacity to understand anything beyond their immediate needs.

Right, and the chapter emphasizes that how well a child moves through this phase and develops into a mature, compassionate person who can focus and regulate their emotions really depends on the quality of care they receive.

It's about creating a supportive and nurturing environment.

But isn't that easier said than done?

I mean, as a parent, you're often just looking for specific advice, like do this, don't do that.

This sounds much more complex.

It is, and the chapter acknowledges that it's totally normal for parents to want those clear -cut strategies, but it argues that while those techniques might have their place, it's even more important to understand why a child is behaving a certain way and to keep the long -term goal of self -regulation in mind.

It's about seeing the bigger picture.

So it's not just about controlling their behavior but about understanding the reasons behind it.

Exactly, and the chapter introduces a really interesting perspective on challenging behaviors in kids with ADD.

It suggests that these behaviors might be outward signs of a deeper wound that happened early on, maybe because of disruptions in the caregiver -infant relationship.

It's like those behaviors are unconscious defenses, ways to protect themselves.

Wow, that's a powerful way to think about it.

So it's not just that they're choosing to be difficult, it's that their behavior is serving a purpose.

Right, and healing those wounds requires freeing up the energy that's being used for self -protection.

It's about creating a secure and trusting attachment relationship so they don't feel like they have to be on guard all the time.

So that secure attachment is like the foundation for everything else.

It really is.

And the chapter even brings back Dr.

Diamond's research with rats.

Remember how those rats who received lots of tender -loving care were better at problem -solving and had stronger brain connections?

Yeah, so even in rats, emotional nurturing makes a difference.

Exactly.

It shows how fundamental it is to have our emotional needs met no matter what age we are.

And for humans, with our complex brains where reason and emotion are so intertwined, troubled relationships can actually make it harder to think clearly and process information.

It's like our emotional state directly impacts how well our brains work.

So it's not just about feelings, it's about how those feelings affect our cognitive abilities.

Precisely.

And that means that healing those relationships can actually improve our mental functioning.

It's about creating a positive and supportive environment where our brains can thrive.

And the most important relationship for this kind of growth is the one between a parent and a child.

It all comes back to that foundation, doesn't it?

It really does.

And this brings us to Carl Rogers' concept of unconditional positive regard.

Do you wanna explain what that means?

Sure.

It's about accepting and caring for someone without any conditions attached.

It's like saying, I love you just because you are you, not because of what you do or how you behave.

It's a powerful message, isn't it?

It's about creating a deep sense of security and belonging in a child's heart.

They know they're loved and wanted no matter what.

And that love can't be something they have to earn or worry about losing.

It's just always there.

It's like a constant unwavering source of support.

But how do you do that in real life?

I mean, kids aren't always perfect, right?

It's tough, for sure.

But it's about separating the child from their behavior.

You can tell a child, look, what you did was wrong and there are consequences for that.

But I still love you.

You're still my child.

So it's like holding that line between what's acceptable and unacceptable, but without making the child feel like they're being rejected.

Exactly.

It's about creating a safe space where they can bring their whole selves, even the parts they're not proud of, without fear of judgment.

That sounds really challenging, though, especially when you're dealing with those tough behaviors that come with ADD.

It's like,

you want them to learn and change, but you also don't wanna damage their relationships.

It's a delicate balance.

And the chapter acknowledges that tension.

It encourages parents to think about which goal they're prioritizing in the moment.

Are they more focused on controlling the behavior or on nurturing the relationship?

And it sounds like the relationship needs to come first, even if it means being more patient and letting go of some of those immediate expectations.

Yeah, because if that connection is damaged, it can actually hinder their development in the long run.

They might not be as open to learning and changing if they feel like they're constantly walking on eggshells.

It makes sense.

It's like they need that secure base to take risks and grow.

Exactly.

And this leads us to a discussion about those short -term behavior control strategies that are so popular.

The chapter uses timeout as an example of how these strategies can sometimes backfire.

Oh, that's interesting.

I mean, timeout is supposed to help kids understand consequences, right?

It is.

But the chapter suggests that for young kids,

the message they often internalize during a timeout is, if I do something wrong, mom or dad is going to leave me.

It can be really scary for them, especially if they already have some anxieties about separation or abandonment.

So instead of learning about consequences, they're learning that their connection with their parent is conditional.

And that can make them even more anxious and insecure, which can actually make the behaviors worse in the long run.

The chapter even suggests that using timeout a lot, especially in early childhood, could lead to problems with emotional detachment later on when kids are teenagers.

Wow, I hadn't thought about it that way.

So is the chapter saying we should never use timeout?

It's not that black and white.

There's one situation where it might be appropriate.

If a parent is feeling completely overwhelmed and needs a moment to calm down before interacting with their child, a grief timeout might be helpful.

But it's crucial that the child doesn't feel blamed or rejected during that time.

It's about the parent taking care of their own emotions, not punishing the child.

So it's like, mommy needs a break for a minute, but I still love you.

Exactly, it's about setting a boundary while still maintaining that connection.

Okay, that makes sense.

So the chapter is basically advocating for more, I guess, relationship -centered approach to discipline.

Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

It's about focusing on building that strong,

secure attachment and then working within that framework to guide their behavior.

And they use a really relatable example to illustrate this.

It's the classic morning routine struggle, which, let's be honest, pretty much every parent of a child with ADD has experienced at some point.

Oh, for sure.

It's like that universal experience of trying to get them out the door on time and feeling your frustration levels rise with every passing minute.

It's like watching a slow -motion train wreck and you're powerless to stop it.

And the more you nag and push, the worse it seems to get.

The chapter points out that in those moments, the child with ADD often doesn't understand why the parent is getting so upset.

They might have trouble with self -awareness and perspective -taking, so they just experience the sudden shift in the parent's mood as a threat.

So instead of getting the message about being on time, they're getting the message that their parent is angry and scary.

Right, and that can be really damaging to the relationship.

And the chapter even talks about how tempting it is for parents to just resort to threats or even physical force to get them moving.

It shares some of the host's own struggles with those urges, which is really honest and relatable.

It's like you hit that point of desperation and all your good intentions go out the window.

And those moments always leave you feeling terrible afterward.

You've got a frightened and angry child and you've damaged the connection between you.

So what's the alternative?

How do you handle those situations without losing your cool?

The chapter suggests a completely different approach, one that prioritizes the relationship over the immediate goal of getting out the door on time.

It's about recognizing that being late every now and then isn't the end of the world.

There will be natural consequences for chronic lateness, but you don't have to make it a battle every single morning.

So it's about choosing your battles and letting go of some of that pressure.

Exactly.

By releasing that urgency, you're able to stay more calm and empathetic.

You can still remind them about the time, but you're not getting caught up in the frustration.

You're recognizing that this is their struggle, not yours to solve.

It's like taking a step back and saying, okay, this is hard for them.

How can I support them through this without losing my own center?

And that makes all the difference for the child.

They feel safer and more accepted even when they're struggling.

And that sense of security actually allows them to become more aware of those other priorities, like being on time.

It's like they're not so focused on defending themselves anymore, so they have more mental space to learn and grow.

So it's not about giving up on teaching them about responsibility.

It's about creating the right conditions for them to learn it.

Exactly.

And the amazing thing is that when parents consistently prioritize that emotional bond and show unconditional acceptance, kids often start cooperating more naturally.

There's less need for strict rules and constant nagging because they feel like they're on the same team as their parents.

That sounds almost too good to be true.

I mean, it sounds like a lot less work in the long run, but it also sounds like it takes a lot of self -control on the parent's part.

It does.

It's definitely a shift in mindset.

But the chapter acknowledges that real life isn't always perfect.

There will be times when you absolutely have to be somewhere on time.

The key is to be aware of that pressure and to create some space for the child's reactions.

It's like saying, look, I know this is hard and I know you're struggling.

We're in this together.

So it's about acknowledging both your needs and theirs.

And a big part of this is learning to tolerate those negative emotions that come up.

It's easy to get triggered when your child is melting down or resisting, but the chapter suggests that if you can anticipate those moments and not take them personally, you can break that cycle of escalation.

You can stay calm and loving even when they're not.

So it's not about winning or losing.

It's about staying connected.

Exactly.

It's about managing your own reactions in a way that preserves the relationship and creates a space for growth.

That's a powerful message.

So as we wrap up this deep dive into it ain't over till it's over,

what are the key takeaways for you, Lerner?

Yeah, what are the things you should really remember?

First, our brains are amazing.

They can change and adapt throughout our lives thanks to neuroplasticity.

That means that no matter what age you are or what you've been through, you have the potential to keep growing and healing.

It's never too late to learn and change.

Right.

And second, the environment we create for ourselves both physically and emotionally has a huge impact on our brains.

So surround yourself with positive influences,

engage in activities that challenge you and nurture those loving relationships.

Because those relationships are the key.

Absolutely.

Especially when it comes to ADD, having those secure loving connections where you feel unconditionally accepted and supported can make all the difference in the world.

The chapter title itself, It Ain't Over Till It's Over, is like a mantra for this whole idea.

It's a reminder that there's always hope, always the possibility for positive change.

And that brings us to our final thought for you to ponder.

Given that our interactions with each other have such a powerful impact,

what small change can you make in your own relationships to foster growth, both in others and in yourself?

How can you bring more unconditional positive regard into your life?

It's a question worth reflecting on.

It really is.

And that's it for this deep dive.

We hope you found it insightful and maybe even a little inspiring.

Thanks for joining us.

Thanks for listening, Lerner.

We'll catch you next time.

See you then.