Chapter 15: The Pendulum Swings

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All right, so today we're taking a deep dive, really getting into it with this whole idea of how our bodies and our emotions kind of work together, especially when we're talking about ADD.

Interesting stuff.

Have you ever noticed that when you stop doing something, you suddenly get this antsy feeling?

Oh yeah, definitely.

Like you gotta be doing some, it's like in this chapter,

the pendulum swings,

hyperactivity, lethargy, and shame.

Ah, that's a good one.

They're talking about these states that seem totally different,

but they're all kinda linked, especially in the context of ADD.

You know, it's like you're saying, it's more than just, oh, they're fidgety or they can't sit still.

It's about what's happening underneath all that.

Exactly, it's not just the behavior, it's the why.

And we're digging into your source material here, the 15 .PDF, to see what it says about all of this.

Right, it's all about the underlying mechanisms, right?

Like what's happening in the body, what's going on with emotions.

That's what makes this stuff so interesting.

So the chapter opens with this quote that really gets you thinking.

It's from J.

Krishnamurti.

He says, I don't know if you've noticed that the moment you cease to be active, there's immediately a feeling of nervous apprehension.

You feel as though you're not alive, not alert, so you must keep going.

And there's fear of being alone.

The fear of sitting quietly without doing something all the time with your hands or with your mind or with your heart.

Wow, yeah, that's really something.

Right, like that feeling that you have to constantly do something, even if you're not sure why.

It's like this urge, this drive.

Yeah, I think a lot of people can relate to that, even if they don't have ADD.

Totally, so that's what we're unpacking today, especially in relation to ADD.

Okay, so let's start with hyperactivity.

Now this is often the first thing that people think of when they hear ADD.

Right, it's like the classic image, the kid who can't sit still bouncing off the wall.

Exactly, but it's so much more than just fidgeting.

The material talks about how it can be this mental whirlwind too.

Oh yeah, like a mind that just can't slow down.

They actually use this great image talking about a 72 -year -old geologist who described his thinking as newsreel thinking.

Newsreel thinking.

Yeah, like thoughts just flashing by, one after the other, like an old newsreel.

I can see that.

It's like the mind can't stay focused on one thing for very long, always jumping to the next thing.

And it can affect how other people see them too, right?

Like the darting eyes, the constant looking around.

Yeah, it can be mistaken for disinterest, even rudeness, when really it's just this internal restlessness.

Their mind is going a mile a minute.

The source material makes a really interesting connection here.

It says that this hyperactivity in ADD might be linked to something we see in toddlers.

Toddlers.

Yeah, like you know how toddlers are always on the go, exploring everything, super high energy.

Oh, right.

Well, they say that for people with ADD, it's like that normal developmental stage in toddlers becomes kind of stuck.

Huh, interesting.

So it's like their system is always in overdrive.

Exactly, and to understand why that might happen, the chapter dives into the autonomic nervous system, or the ANS.

The ANS.

Okay, for our listeners who might not be familiar, can you break that down a bit?

Sure, so think of your nervous system as having two main parts.

One part is the voluntary system, the stuff you consciously control.

Right, like when you decide to pick up your coffee cup or walk across the room.

Yeah, exactly.

But then there's this other part, the ANS, which is working behind the scenes, two, four, seven, managing all those things you don't have to think about.

Like breathing, heart rate, digestion, all that good stuff.

And the key here is that our emotions are super connected to this ANS.

Oh yeah, big time.

Ever get that like gut feeling?

Yeah, or like your heart racing when you're nervous.

Exactly, that's your emotions talking directly to your ANS, influencing how your body reacts.

And within the ANS, there are two kind of opposing forces at play.

There's the sympathetic nervous system, which is all about that fight or flight response, the energy boost you get when you're excited or stressed.

Right, and then there's the parasympathetic nervous system, which is more about slowing things down, like hitting the brakes, bringing you back to a calm and relaxed state.

And that parasympathetic system is also linked to things like shame, those feelings of low arousal.

So how does all of this relate to ADD?

Well, the chapter suggests that hyperactivity might be like that sympathetic nervous system being stuck in an overdrive.

And remember how we talked about toddlers being naturally hyperactive?

Yeah, all that exploring and boundless energy.

Well, there's this crucial point in development where the thinking part of our brain, the cortex, starts to learn how to regulate that sympathetic activity.

It's like developing an internal braking system.

Ah, so it's not just about having the energy, it's about being able to control it.

Exactly, and the chapter says that if there's a lot of stress during that early developmental period, those brake circuits might not develop as well.

Okay, so that could explain why some people with ADD experience that persistent hyperactivity, that feeling of constantly being on edge.

Exactly, but it's not just a leftover from childhood, right?

It's also how we respond to anxiety no matter how old we are.

Like think about someone pacing back and forth while waiting for important news.

Oh, right, they're anxious, and their body shows it through that restless movement.

And the source suggests that with ADD, there's often this underlying, almost constant level of anxiety that fuels the hyperactivity.

So it's not just random energy, it's actually a response to something deeper.

Right, and the chapter shares a really powerful story about this.

It's about a guy named Derek, 42 years old, really bright, but struggled to finish things, felt restless all the time.

He even had a bunch of traffic violations.

Oh, wow.

He said something that really stuck with me.

He said, it's as if I'm always trying to catch something that isn't there.

That's a powerful image.

Always chasing after something, but never quite grasping it.

Right, and the source interprets this as kind of an ingrained memory from his early childhood.

You see, his parents divorced when he was really young, and he was an anxious baby, always scanning for reassurance, never quite feeling secure.

So that feeling of unease, of always searching for something, it became kind of a default setting for him.

That's what the source suggests, and this part is really interesting because the author actually shares a personal experience with this.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

They talk about this habit they have of automatically scanning people's faces, almost like they're searching for something.

Oh, interesting.

And they link it back to their own early experiences with a parent who wasn't always emotionally available.

They connect it to this idea from Gordon Neufeld about anxiety being an attachment alarm.

Attachment alarm.

Yeah, like our system is always on the lookout, checking if our need for connection is being met.

I see.

So in a way, that hyperactivity, that restlessness, it could be a sign that something deeper is going on.

Right, a sign that something's not quite right in terms of feeling safe and connected, and that's where the hopeful part comes in.

Oh, good, because this is getting a bit heavy.

I know, right?

But the chapter says that just like feeling supported and understood can help with focus, it can also help to regulate that hyperactivity.

Like, remember that example they gave about the eight -year -old who needed his parent in the bathroom with him while brushing his teeth?

Yeah, the one who felt hyper when he's alone.

Right, that example shows how powerful feeling safe and connected can be.

It can actually help to calm that overactive nervous system.

Okay, that makes sense.

So we've talked about hyperactivity, that one side of the pendulum swing.

What about the other side, that feeling of lethargy, of being really low energy?

Yeah, so the source presents this as being connected to shame.

Shame.

Yeah, and they describe shame as another one of these powerful attachment emotions, as this guy Gershon Kaufman calls it.

Interesting, so it's not just about feeling tired or lazy, it's about something deeper, something connected to our sense of self and our relationships.

Exactly, and to understand where this shame comes from, we have to go back to toddlerhood again.

Okay, back to the toddlers.

You see, as toddlers start to explore, they're gonna bump into boundaries, they're gonna climb on things they shouldn't, grab things, you know, just test limits.

That's just what toddlers do.

Right,

and the main way they learn what's okay and what's not okay is through their parents' reactions.

Not long lectures, but those non -verbal cues.

Like a stern voice or a disapproving look.

Exactly, and this guy, Alan Shore, makes a really interesting point.

He says that even the most loving parenting involves these moments of disapproval.

It's how kids learn.

It's like setting those boundaries, teaching them right from wrong.

And the chapter actually mentions a study that found that as babies become toddlers and they start moving around more, the number of times parents say no or stop them from doing something goes way up.

Oh really, how often are we talking?

Between 11 and 17 months, it can be as often as every nine minutes.

Wow, every nine minutes, that's a lot of nos.

Right, and the source explains that toddlers respond to this disapproval with a physical state of shame.

They become less active, their energy drops, they shift from that high arousal state to a lower one.

So it's not just a mental or emotional thing, it's physiological too.

Right, and from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense.

It's like a built -in mechanism to stop them from doing something dangerous.

Okay, that's interesting.

So similar to how we talked about those breaks developing for the sympathetic nervous system, is there something similar happening here with the parasympathetic system in shame?

That's exactly what the source suggests.

They say that during this phase of lower arousal, new connections are forming in the brain to help the cortex regulate the parasympathetic nervous system.

So it's like learning to manage that slowdown system.

And again, having a supportive and understanding environment during this time is super important, because the problem comes when that shame response becomes too intense or happens too often, or if the parent doesn't reconnect with the child after the disapproval.

Right, it's like that rupture in the connection needs to be repaired.

Exactly, and Kaufman, the guy we mentioned earlier, calls this restoring the interpersonal bridge.

I like that, restoring the bridge.

Yeah, but if parents are constantly stressed or overwhelmed, that bridge can be hard to rebuild.

And young kids are super sensitive to their parents' moods.

They pick up on everything.

They really do.

It's like they're constantly reading our emotional cues, even if we don't realize it.

The chapter even talks about physical signs of this in babies, like they might look away or become very still if a parent breaks eye contact.

Oh wow, I've definitely seen that with babies.

And babies of mothers who are experiencing depression, they often show this really inactive demeanor.

It's like they're mirroring that lack of connection.

That's really sad.

It is, and the source goes on to explain that as kids get older, parental anger, especially if the parent has trouble managing their own emotions, can trigger really intense feelings of shame in kids with ADD.

Especially if the child feels like you've caused the parent's anger.

Exactly, and the chapter makes a really important point here.

It challenges the idea that shame in ADD just comes from making mistakes or failing at things.

While those experiences can definitely reinforce those feelings of shame, the source suggests that it often goes deeper than that.

So it's not just about specific events, but about something more fundamental to their sense of self.

It's like this underlying feeling of being somehow inadequate or disconnected that becomes kind of a default setting.

And I remember the chapter mentioned that people with ADD often apologize a lot.

Oh yeah, John Rady, the psychiatrist, observed that I'm sorry is a common phrase in their vocabulary.

And the author shares some experiences with new patients who apologize constantly, sometimes for things that don't even seem like they need an apology.

Like what?

Like apologizing for taking up time or for not understanding something right away, or even for having a problem in the first place.

It's like they're always feeling like they've done something wrong.

Right, and that constant apologizing is often with their eyes looking down, it really speaks to this deep seated sense of shame.

So if we bring this all together, it seems like those two seemingly opposite states, that hyperactivity and that lethargy are actually connected in a way.

Exactly, the source describes it as a pendulum swing.

A pendulum swing between being over -energized and feeling completely drained and shut down.

And they become stuck in this swing because that higher level brain regulation of the autonomic nervous system isn't working as well as it could be.

So it's not just about the behavior, it's about these underlying physiological mechanisms.

Right, and what's even more interesting is that the source says these two states can sometimes even happen at the same time.

It's like this agitated, unfocused inactivity.

So it's not always one or the other.

It can be this confusing mix of feelings and behaviors.

And the chapter keeps coming back to this idea that these states are often rooted in those early experiences with caregivers who might have been distant, stressed, or distracted.

It's like these early experiences shape how our nervous systems respond to the world.

So even though we might not consciously remember those early experiences, they can still have a powerful impact on how we feel and behave.

Exactly, and that underlying discomfort that can come from those experiences, it can surface whenever the person becomes aware of themselves, leading to that lethargy or that frantic search for external stimulation to avoid feeling alone.

It's like they're trying to distract themselves from that uncomfortable feeling of being alone with their own thoughts and emotions.

But the good news is the chapter ends on a hopeful note.

Oh good, I was hoping for some good news.

Me too.

It emphasizes that healing and growth are possible.

It talks about developing those brain circuits that can carry different messages, fostering a sense of self that isn't rooted in helplessness.

So even though these patterns might be deeply ingrained, there's still potential for change.

That's what the source suggests.

And what's really important is that it highlights the fact that these neural pathways for regulation and control can continue to develop throughout our lives.

So it's never too late to learn new ways of being and relating to ourselves in the world.

Exactly.

So to wrap things up for you, our listener, what we've learned today is that hyperactivity, lethargy, and shame in ADD aren't just isolated issues, they're all connected.

They're different expressions of a dysregulated autonomic nervous system, often rooted in those early experiences of connection and attachment.

Right, they're all part of this complex interplay between our bodies, our emotions, and our experiences.

And the key takeaway is that these seemingly opposite states are actually two sides of the same coin.

They're both driven by those fundamental attachment emotions, anxiety, and shame.

And understanding this connection, recognizing these patterns in ourselves, it can be incredibly powerful.

It can help us to approach these experiences with more compassion and understanding both for ourselves and for others.

Absolutely.

It can open up new avenues for support So here's something to think about as we finish up.

If these patterns really are rooted in our earliest experiences and can become so deeply ingrained, what possibilities for change and growth might open up when we understand these underlying mechanisms?

What might it mean to actively cultivate experiences that foster a sense of safety and connection?

And how could that in turn influence those very physiological states that we've been talking about?

That's a great question to ponder.

Really makes you think.

It does.

And maybe it's something you can explore further on your own.

There are some great resources out there on attachment, anxiety, and self -regulation.

Definitely worth checking out.

Thanks for joining us for this deep dive.

It's been really fascinating to explore all of this with you.

Yes, absolutely.

Until next time.