Chapter 14: Severed Thoughts & Flibbertigibbets

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Okay, so have you ever like walked into a room and just completely blanked on why you went in there?

Oh yeah, all the time.

Or like you're in a conversation and you're really trying to listen, but your mind is just somewhere else completely.

I think we've all been there.

It's like attention is the slippery thing.

Yeah, totally.

And that's actually what we're diving into today,

this whole idea of distractibility and tuning out.

Right, we're going deep on it using this chapter called severed thoughts and flibberti gibbets.

Distractability and tuning out.

Flibberti gibbets, now there's a word you don't hear every day.

I know, right.

It's a fun one though.

It basically means someone who's restless and easily distracted, which is kind of perfect for what we're talking about.

Very fitting.

And you know what I love about that title, severed thoughts.

It really gets at that feeling of our thoughts kind of disconnecting or like scattering off on their own.

It's like your brain is playing hide and seek with itself.

Exactly.

So today what we really want to do is like unpack this whole thing for you listening.

Why do these things happen?

What are the roots of distractibility and tuning out?

And what does it all mean for how we understand ourselves and you know other people too?

Right, because we're not just going to like label this as a quirk and move on.

We want to really get into the nitty gritty, like the psychological stuff going on beneath the surface.

Exactly.

And to do that, we're going to be looking closely at the ideas presented in this chapter, what the author says and the references they use to really give you a solid grasp of this thing that's often so misunderstood about being human.

And the chapter starts off by making a really important point, which is that feeling absent -minded or tuning out isn't some kind of like weird anomaly.

It's actually pretty normal part of the human experience.

It exists on a spectrum just like tons of other human tendencies.

Right.

It's like think about how everyone gets nervous in social situations sometimes.

But for some people it becomes a much bigger issue like social anxiety.

Right.

Or some people are naturally more introverted than others.

Exactly.

So tuning out, it's the same deal.

We all do it to some extent, but for some people it's way more frequent or disruptive.

And the author argues that like living in this crazy complex world we do with just constant information overload,

our brains actually need the ability to filter stuff out.

All those sights and sounds and even our own internal sensations, it's just too much to process all at once.

Absolutely.

It's like if we were consciously paying attention to every little thing coming at us, we would be completely overwhelmed.

We'd be paralyzed.

So this ability to filter, to tune some things out, it's actually like a crucial adaptation.

It helps us function.

Right.

It's essential.

But here's the big question the chapter poses.

When does this normal necessary filtering cross the line?

When does it become something that really messes with our ability to engage with the world around us and with our lives?

Right.

Like when does it go from being helpful to being a hindrance?

Exactly.

And to understand that the chapter introduces this psychological competent of dissociation.

Dissociation.

No, I think some people might associate that term with like specific clinical situations.

Yeah, you might think of like dissociative identity disorder or something like that.

Right.

But the author here is using it in a much broader sense.

Can you kind of give us the lay of the land on that?

Sure.

So in this broader context, dissociation just means a kind of mental absence, a tuning out is like checking out mentally.

And what's really interesting here is that the author is suggesting that this kind of mental absence, even the tuning out we see in like discussions about ADD,

often comes from a defensive need.

It's a way our minds try to protect us.

So it's not just spacing out.

It's actually serving a purpose.

Right.

And the chapter even brings in Shakespeare's King Lear.

I remember where Gloucester says he wants to be distracted so his thoughts can be severed from all the grief he's feeling.

It's such a powerful image of wanting to escape from pain.

It is.

And that's really the core function of dissociation, to create a separation between our conscious awareness and really intense emotional pain.

It acts like a psychological anesthetic, a psychological anesthetic.

So it numbs us to the hurt.

But that brings up a question, why would we need to be numb to our own pain?

Isn't pain like both physical and emotional, a crucial signal that something's wrong?

Absolutely.

Pain is essential for survival.

Physical pain alerts us to immediate danger like touching a hot stove.

Right.

And emotional pain signals threats to our psychological well -being.

Exactly.

If we're having conflicts in our relationships, emotional pain tells us something's not right there.

So if pain is so important, why would our systems have this emergency escape route of dissociation?

Because the chapter emphasizes that dissociation is exactly that.

It's an emergency survival technique.

It's not

a

resort when the pain is just too much.

Right.

And the chapter makes it clear that while tuning out can be protective in the short term, it can be risky in the long run.

Like anything that numbs us to pain can be risky.

Exactly.

And there are two main conditions that tend to trigger this defense mechanism.

Okay, what are they?

One is severe distress.

So we're not talking about like minor inconvenience here.

The emotional pain has to be really significant.

And the second condition is a feeling of utter helplessness.

So it's not just that something really bad is happening, but also that we feel like there's nothing we can do about it.

Right.

If we believe help is available or that we can take action, it's usually safer to feel the pain and try to find a solution.

But if we feel completely powerless, then tuning out can seem like the only option.

Exactly.

And the chapter uses a really interesting analogy here from Jennifer Freyd.

She talks about a skier with a broken leg.

Okay, so how does that work?

So imagine Deanna breaks her leg while skiing with a friend.

The pain is so bad, she doesn't want to move.

She waits for her forehand to get help.

Right.

In that case, the pain is actually protecting her.

Exactly.

It keeps her from making the injury worse.

Now imagine Beverly has the same accident, but she's skiing alone in a remote area.

So she's all by herself.

Right.

And she's much more likely to spontaneously block out the pain and try to get herself to safety.

Because the pain would just be too overwhelming and she needs to act.

Exactly.

The suppressed pain allows her to try to escape a potentially life -threatening situation.

So both women are in incredible pain, but it's Beverly's circumstance, the combination of that intense distress and feeling completely alone and helpless that triggers that automatic pain blockage.

Exactly.

And that's a really of helplessness.

That's the crucial trigger.

So it really is an emergency mechanism.

And the chapter then connects this idea of tuning out to early childhood development, specifically in relation to ADD.

Right.

The author suggests that for individuals with ADD, this tendency to tune out often has its roots in infancy during that period of really rapid brain development.

So it's not just something that develops later on.

It can actually start very early in life.

Exactly.

And it's thought to be linked to those early experiences of emotional hurt combined with those feelings of helplessness we were just talking about.

So like a baby who's consistently having their needs ignored or misunderstood.

Or a baby whose caregiver is themselves anxious and overwhelmed and maybe not able to provide consistent emotional attunement.

So the baby learns to tune out as a way to cope with that chronic emotional pain.

Exactly.

And the chapter makes it clear that we're not talking about those everyday moments of frustration that all babies experience.

Right.

All babies cry and get upset.

Sometimes that's normal.

Of course.

But it's the chronic ongoing experience of emotional pain that can lead to this kind of ingrained tuning out.

So it's like a pattern that gets established early on.

Right.

And there are a couple of reasons why an infant system might choose to dissociate from this kind of persistent pain.

One is that it's just too much for their little developing nervous system to handle.

It's like their system gets overloaded.

Exactly.

It's physiologically toxic to be in a constant state of high stress.

And those stress hormones flooding their system all the time, they have to find a way to block it out.

So it's a self -protective mechanism.

Right.

And the second reason is really interesting, which is that if the parent's own anxiety is contributing to the infant's distress,

the infant can unconsciously sense that expressing their distress will only make the parent more anxious.

So they learn to suppress their needs as a way to kind of protect the parent.

It's like a negative feedback loop.

The baby cries, the parent gets more anxious, which makes the baby cry more.

Tuning out becomes a way to break that cycle.

That's so sad, but it makes sense.

And the chapter also emphasizes that the survival mechanism, while helpful in those early moments, doesn't stay helpful forever.

Right.

The protective value of all psychological defenses is pretty limited.

Sooner or later, they start to become more of a hindrance than a help.

It's like that old saying, what got you here won't get you there.

Exactly.

And that's definitely true of dissociation.

Sooner or later, it starts to interfere with our ability to really engage with life, and it can actually slow down our psychological growth.

So how does it do that?

Well, for one thing, someone who's learned to tune out early on often has trouble learning from their experiences.

Because they weren't really present for them.

Exactly.

They were checked out.

They can also struggle to form deep, meaningful connections with other people.

Because they've kind of built a wall around themselves?

Right.

It's like they've created this internal retreat from fully engaging with the world, which makes it harder to deal with challenges and to grow emotionally.

And the chapter uses a really powerful analogy here, this image of a heavy fur coat.

Oh yeah, that's a good one.

Can you explain that?

Sure.

So imagine someone living in a very cold climate.

They need a thick fur coat to survive.

But then imagine that same person suddenly being transported to a tropical climate right on the equator, still wearing that heavy fur coat.

They'd be so uncomfortable.

Miserable.

The very thing that once protected them is now causing them to overheat.

So it's like the fur coat is a metaphor for this defense mechanism of tuning out.

Exactly.

And just like that person could theoretically take off the coat, the challenge with these unconscious defenses is that we can't just decide to get rid of them.

Because they were put in place without our conscious awareness.

Often before we even had the capacity for conscious thought.

And the chapter goes on to explain how this tuning out can become almost like the brain's default setting.

Yeah, it can develop this kind of momentum.

It doesn't even need an immediate trigger in the external world anymore.

It becomes the brain's automatic go -to state.

It's like a habit.

Exactly.

And the chapter uses the metaphor of well -worn path versus forging new routes.

So the more we use that pathway of tuning out, the easier it becomes to travel down it.

Right.

And it takes more energy to create a new pathway.

That's why it's so hard to break old habits.

And this idea of automaticity really sheds light on why, as the chapter points out, children with ADD are so often just told to pay attention.

Right.

It seems like such a simple request.

But the chapter argues that it's actually misunderstanding what's happening.

Because it assumes that attention is something the child owes the adult.

Exactly.

Like it's a debt they need to pay.

And it also assumes that being attentive is always a conscious choice.

But the chapter makes a strong case that neither of those assumptions is accurate.

Right.

Because the ability to focus attention isn't something we're born with fully formed.

It's something we develop over time, like learning to walk or talk.

Exactly.

It's a skill that requires the right conditions and opportunities to develop properly.

And it's not just about the child in isolation.

It's about the child in context.

Right.

The chapter even quotes brain researchers who say, A skill is a characteristic neither of a person nor of a context, but of a person in context.

That's a really important point.

We can't just look at the child and say, they have an attention problem.

We have to look at the whole picture, the child, the environment, and the relationship between them.

So the challenges with attention that get labeled as attention deficit, they're not just about a sluggish brain mechanism that can be fixed with a reward or a stern talking to.

Right.

And the chapter points out that the brain's overall level of arousal plays a huge role in our ability to focus.

Arousal, you mean like how awake and alert we are?

Exactly.

And the chapter references neuroscientist Joseph Ledoux, who explains that our level of arousal affects a whole bunch of mental functions, not just attention.

Things like perception, memory, emotion, all sorts of things.

We need a certain baseline level of arousal just to be able to notice what's going on around us.

Like if you're really sleepy, you're not going to be very attentive.

Exactly.

But Ledoux also points out that too much arousal can be just as bad as too little.

It can lead to anxiety and tension and make it hard to think clearly.

So there's this sweet spot, this optimal level of arousal where we function best.

Right.

And the chapter connects this to ADD by explaining that individuals with ADD often have trouble regulating their arousal levels.

So they swing back and forth between being under aroused and over aroused.

Exactly.

When they're under aroused, they might feel sluggish and unmotivated.

When they're over aroused, they might feel anxious and scattered.

And Ledoux makes this really interesting point that arousal locks you into the emotional state you are in.

Right.

Which can be helpful in dangerous situations where you need to stay hyper focused on a threat.

But not so helpful when you're anxious about something that's not actually a threat.

Exactly.

Like if you're worried about an upcoming presentation and you can't stop thinking about it.

Right.

And this idea of arousal helps explain why people with ADD sometimes have these seemingly contradictory experiences, like suddenly feeling drowsy in the middle of an argument.

Right.

You'd think they'd be wide awake in that situation.

But actually what can happen is that the emotional intensity triggers this kind of unconscious down regulation of the arousal system.

So it's like their brain is trying to protect them from getting too overwhelmed.

Exactly.

And the chapter talks about how the right prefrontal cortex, which is involved in regulating emotions, can sometimes over inhibit the reticular formation, which controls our overall level of alertness.

So it's like a temporary shutdown of the arousal system.

Right.

And this can happen with kids too.

A child who's feeling really stressed about a school assignment might genuinely complain of being tired.

But then once the source of stress is removed, they're suddenly full of energy.

But of course that can be misinterpreted as the child just trying to get out of doing their work.

Right.

But it's actually a real physiological response.

And the opposite of that under arousal is over arousal, which is often fueled by anxiety.

Right.

When we feel anxious, our brains go into overdrive.

Exactly.

Fear and anxiety activate the amygdala, which is the brain's alarm system.

And that sends signals of danger to the cortex.

Right.

And that creates this state of hyper focus.

But it's a very narrow focus directed at whatever we perceive as the threat.

So we're not able to pay attention to anything else.

Exactly.

And the chapter gives this example of a child with ADD in a classroom with a really authoritarian teacher.

So the teacher's strictness actually makes it harder for the child to focus.

Exactly.

The teacher's harsh tone triggers anxiety in the child, which leads to over arousal and makes it even harder to pay attention.

Which then frustrates the teacher who gets even stricter.

It becomes this vicious cycle.

But the chapter emphasizes that attention skills in individuals with ADD aren't fixed.

They're very context dependent.

So a child who can't focus in one environment might be able to focus just fine in a different environment.

Exactly.

And that really highlights the importance of creating supportive and understanding environments for kids with ADD.

And it's not just about the external environment.

It's also about the child's internal emotional state.

Right.

The core challenge is often their difficulty regulating their emotions, which can be easily disrupted by stress and anxiety.

So while arousal, a huge piece of the puzzle, it's not the only thing affecting our ability to pay attention.

Right.

There are other important factors too, like interest and motivation.

Right.

If you're not interested in something, it's going to be hard to pay attention to it.

Exactly.

And our emotional priority is what feels most important to us in the moment.

And even our physical sensations.

Right.

Especially for kids who are highly sensitive to sensory input.

And even things like blood sugar levels can affect our concentration.

It's like all these different streams flowing together that determine what we're able to focus on.

Exactly.

It's a complex interplay of factors.

And it seems like while we often think of attention as this very intellectual cognitive function, its roots actually go much deeper.

Absolutely.

The chapter argues that while we tend to think of attention as a product of our intellect,

its deepest origins are actually in our emotions.

So it's not just about thinking.

It's about feeling.

Exactly.

And from an evolutionary perspective, this makes total sense.

Think about it.

If you're suddenly faced with a dangerous situation, like a predator,

your immediate reaction isn't going to be to carefully think through your options.

Right.

It's going to be to run.

Exactly.

Your survival depends on that immediate emotional response.

And the chapter points out that while emotion without thought can be problematic thought, without emotion isn't very effective either.

It's like Mr.

Spock.

He's all logic and no emotion.

Right.

And while that makes for an interesting character in Star Trek, it wouldn't work very well in real life.

Because we need our emotions to guide us.

Exactly.

And in human development, emotional growth actually precedes intellectual growth.

So we learn to feel before we learn to think.

Right.

The parts of our brain that process emotions mature earlier than the parts that handle logic and reasoning.

So our emotions are really the foundation of our attention.

Exactly.

And that brings us to how attention develops in infancy and the crucial role of the caregiver in that process.

Right.

Because babies aren't born with the ability to focus their attention.

Exactly.

It's something they learn over time.

And the chapter draws this parallel between a newborn's inability to focus their vision and their inability to focus their attention.

So both of those abilities are underdeveloped at birth.

Right.

And both are profoundly shaped by the infant's early interactions with their caregiver.

So the way a parent interacts with their baby isn't just about meeting physical needs like feeding and changing diapers.

It's about so much more than that.

It's about shaping the baby's developing brain.

And specifically their ability to focus their attention.

Exactly.

The caregiver's own calm, focused interest in the world actually helps the infant to develop their own sense of curiosity and to organize their attention.

And those moments of eye contact and mutual gaze aren't just cute.

They're actually really important for the baby's development.

They're incredibly motivating.

They help the baby to feel connected and to want to engage with the world.

And this leads into Stanley Greenspan's concept of making sense of sensations, which he sees as this foundational first step in building the architecture of the mind.

Right.

Greenspan talks about how the infant's first big task is to make sense of all this overwhelming sensory information that's coming at them.

It's like they're being bombarded with sights and sounds and smells and sensations.

Exactly.

And they have to figure out how to organize all of that.

And in those early months, a typically developing infant starts to gain control over their body movements, their internal sensations, and crucially their attention.

So they're learning to regulate themselves.

Exactly.

And Greenspan calls this calm attention.

And he sees it as absolutely essential for healthy development.

And the chapter emphasizes that this secure attachment relationship with the caregiver is the bedrock for the development of attention throughout childhood.

Right.

Without that secure base of feeling safe and understood, the child is likely to struggle with focus and attention.

Because their attentional resources are being used up by anxiety and insecurity.

Exactly.

And the chapter talks about how positive attuned interactions between caregiver and infant actually trigger the release of these feel -good chemicals in the brain, like endorphins and dopamine.

So those loving interactions actually have a physical effect on the baby's brain.

They do.

And those chemicals help to energize the child and to transform unfocused attention into sustained purposeful engagement.

So what might look like an attention deficit in a child could actually be

That's a really important point to consider.

Because what we observe is inattention can often be a manifestation of the child's underlying anxieties.

So it's not that they can't pay attention, it's that their attention is being pulled in a different direction.

Exactly.

And the chapter gives the example of disruptive behavior in the classroom.

Some kids with ADD might seem overly preoccupied with interacting with their peers.

And that can be really disruptive to the class.

Of course.

But it might be driven by this intense need to have their relational needs met.

So their behavior is actually a form of communication.

Right.

It's their way of trying to connect.

And when a child's attentional system is constantly being consumed by these anxieties about feeling connected,

it's just not available for schoolwork.

It's like their internal world is so much more compelling than the external world.

Exactly.

Especially for kids who have experienced early emotional pain or inconsistent care.

And the chapter shares this anecdote about a woman who wasn't diagnosed with ADD until adulthood.

Oh, right.

She spent a lot of time daydreaming as a child.

Yeah.

She had this rich internal world with imaginary friends and all sorts of things.

And while externally she might have been labeled as just distracted or inattentive, her internal world was actually very meaningful to her.

It provided a sense of safety and connection that she wasn't getting in the real world.

So she was tuning out the external world in favor of this internal world.

Exactly.

And that brings us to this often observed paradox of children with ADD who seem completely unable to focus in many situations, but then can suddenly become laser focused when an adult is giving them their undivided attention.

It's like they flip a switch.

Right.

But it's not actually a paradox when you consider the opposing influences of anxiety and secure attachment on attention.

So a secure attachment promotes focus while anxiety undermines it.

Exactly.

And when a child feels safe and connected with an attentive adult,

their prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for attention and planning, is freed up to focus on the task at hand.

So it's not that they can't focus.

It's that they need those conditions of safety and connection in order to access that ability.

Exactly.

And this reinforces the idea that while ADD is a physiological condition involving brain function, it's not necessarily fixed and unchangeable.

It's not like you're born with it and you're stuck with it.

Positive attuned contact can actually be as effective as medication and helping kids with ADD to focus and regulate themselves.

Because that connection provides the dopamine that their prefrontal cortex needs.

Exactly.

And the underlying constant in all of this is this deep, often unconscious yearning for connection that has its roots in early life experiences.

So it's not just about behavior.

It's about these deep underlying needs.

Exactly.

And finally, the chapter touches on how this distractibility, especially when it's fueled by emotional turmoil and racing thoughts, can really impact memory.

Right.

People with ADD often talk about having trouble remembering things.

Yeah.

And anyone who experiences distractibility can probably relate to that frustrating experience of walking into a room and forgetting why you went in there.

Or like starting one task and then getting sidetracked by something else and completely forgetting what you were originally doing.

Exactly.

And this kind of poor short -term memory is often a direct result of being in that tuned out, internally preoccupied state.

Because our attentional resources are limited.

Right.

And when those resources are being used up by internal thoughts and worries, there's not enough left over to process and encode new information.

So it's not that we're not trying to remember.

It's that our brains are just too busy with other things.

Exactly.

And the chapter concludes with this really insightful anecdote about a writer with ADD who describes herself as a child using these wonderful phrases, Pepperpot, Fliberty Jivet, and High Strung.

It's such a vivid description.

I know.

And she explained what she meant by those terms.

Pepperpot meant she was unpredictably explosive, full of intense emotions.

Fliberty Jivet captured her unfocused, restless nature.

And High Strung conveyed her constant state of heightened arousal and anxiety.

So she was all over the place.

Yeah.

But she also remembers very clearly her strong desire to connect with other children.

So even though she seemed scattered, she was actually very focused on relationships.

Exactly.

And the author of the chapter makes this really interesting observation.

They suggest that maybe the writer was focused, but just not in the way that others expected or recognized.

So she was focused on what was important to her.

Exactly.

And that really brings our whole discussion full circle.

It shows how our deepest emotional needs and priorities shape where our attention goes, even if it doesn't always align with what other people expect.

So to sum up what we've talked about today, tuning out and distractibility are complex human experiences rooted in both our normal responses to a sometimes overwhelming world and in our earliest emotional experiences.

Right.

They can be seen as protective mechanisms that can unfortunately become hindrances to our growth and our ability to connect with others.

And attention isn't just a matter of willpower.

It's a dynamic skill that's deeply intertwined with our emotional states, our arousal levels, and our need for secure attachment.

Exactly.

And we hope this deep dive has given you some new insights and maybe a more compassionate perspective on these experiences.

And one final thought for you to consider.

Think about those times when you feel most distractible or prone to tuning out.

Could those moments be connected to underlying emotional states or unmet needs for connection?

It's worth exploring those connections because they might hold some valuable clues for understanding and navigating your own patterns of attention and your overall wellbeing.

And as we've seen today, this whole area of emotion, attention, and early development is incredibly rich and fascinating.

It really is.

And we encourage you to keep exploring it.

Thanks for listening.

Of course.

It was great to be here.