Chapter 28: Moses Saved by the Angel – Self-Parenting (I)

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Alright, welcome back to the Deep Dive.

We are so excited to jump into another one of your sources today.

Yeah, this one looks really interesting.

Yeah, so this one comes from a listener who's particularly interested in, I guess you say, self -development and personal growth.

And they sent in this chapter called Moses Saved by the Angel, Self -Parenting.

Yeah, right, catchy title.

Yeah, I like it.

So we are going to really deep dive into this chapter today.

And I think this is going to be a really valuable deep dive for anyone who, you know, listening, who's interested in understanding themselves better, maybe fostering some more inner support, you know, just understanding how they can be more for themselves essentially.

So that's kind of the mission here today to explore this whole concept of self -parenting.

And specifically, we're going to look at a few key things that the author brings up.

One is, you know, starting with understanding yourself with compassion, which I think is so important.

We're also going to look at accepting all of our feelings, not just the good ones, but also the tough ones, like guilt and anxiety, why it's so crucial to, you know, not beat ourselves up about the past, be kind to ourselves about our journey.

Self -compassion.

Exactly, exactly.

And then finally, we're going to touch upon how things like therapy and counseling can really guide us in this whole process.

Okay, so it seems like, you know, if someone is kind of on that path of personal growth and development,

this is a great deep dive for them.

Absolutely, yeah.

So let's dive right in.

The author starts off right away by saying that the very first thing that we can offer ourselves in this whole self -parenting thing is self -understanding and, you know, giving ourselves that psychological support, which makes sense, you know, when you think about how parents kind of interact with their children.

When you have a child, you know, understanding the child's needs, their motivations, you know, kind of all the stuff that's going on, it naturally leads to these supportive actions.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

It's that fundamental connection that I think a loving parent has, right, like that curiosity and that care.

And so it sounds like the author is suggesting that we need to kind of turn that inward and bring that same compassionate curiosity to ourselves.

Exactly, yeah.

Instead of judging ourselves, it's more about being open and curious and really trying to understand who we are, you know, beneath the surface.

And what's interesting is the author makes this distinction between this deep self -understanding and just like trying to be positive all the time.

It's not about, you know, forcing optimism, but more about gradually letting go of some of these defenses that we've built up over time, which, you know, often are in response to past experiences, anxieties, things like that.

So these defenses, could you talk about that a little more?

Like, what are some examples of these defenses?

Yeah, so it can be a lot of different things.

I mean, I think a lot of times these defenses become so ingrained that we don't even realize they're there.

Right, right.

But they can show up in how we react to certain situations.

You know, maybe we always get defensive when someone criticizes us, even if it's constructive criticism.

OK.

Or maybe we tend to withdraw from relationships when things start to get a little bit too close.

It could also be, you know, those negative self -talk patterns that kind of run on autopilot in the background.

Right.

Yeah, like that inner critic.

So it's stuff that we've kind of developed to protect ourselves, but ultimately it's holding us back.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It served a purpose at some point, but now it might be preventing us from growing and connecting and really living authentically.

Yeah.

Yeah, makes sense.

So how do we actually, you know, start to develop this self -understanding?

Like, what are the the practical steps involved?

Yeah.

So the author points to the skill of self -awareness as being, you know, really key here.

OK.

And and it's about, you know, really turning into our inner world.

It's noticing things, you know, those critical thoughts that we were just talking about.

Right.

Identifying what triggers our anxiety,

noticing when our actions are kind of working against what we really want long term.

OK.

So just kind of becoming more aware of of all those things that are happening internally, the thoughts, the feelings, the reaction.

Right.

Exactly.

And it's not just about noticing, but then asking ourselves, well, what what's the meaning behind this?

Oh, interesting.

Like like a parent would, you know, with their child, if a child's acting out in a certain way.

Yeah.

You know, a good parents can ask, well, you know, what's going on?

What are you feeling?

What are you trying to tell me?

And we can do the same thing with ourselves.

Yeah.

Instead of instead of just jumping to the self -criticism, right?

Like, why did I do that?

I'm so stupid or whatever it is.

It's it's more about taking a step back and saying,

OK, well, what feelings are driving you?

What needs am I maybe trying to meet?

Yeah.

And the author gets this great example, you know, someone who who always thinks, you know, I'm my own worst enemy.

Yeah, I know a few people like that.

Right.

We all do.

Instead of just accepting that as as like a fact, you know, the author suggests, you know, approaching it with curiosity, asking yourself, well, I'd really like to understand why I feel so much anxiety about disappointing others.

Oh, that's such a great a great reframe.

Yeah, because it moves us away from, you know, blaming ourselves, right, to actually trying to understand ourselves.

Exactly.

And it kind of it kind of shifts the energy a bit, too.

Totally.

And then the author makes this other really crucial point, which is that those negative attitudes and behaviors that we have, a lot of times they they serve a purpose at some point.

OK.

You know, they were ways we learned to cope with difficult situations and understanding those origins can actually help us to let go of them when they're no longer serving us.

Oh, that's really interesting.

So it's like it's like acknowledging that maybe a certain behavior like was once a really useful tool, right?

Like it helped us survive or navigate a difficult time.

Right.

But but now it's it's not so useful anymore.

It's just it's getting in the way.

Exactly.

It's it's no longer serving its original purpose.

And and then on top of that, the author really emphasizes that it matters what what tone we're taking when we ask ourselves these questions.

Oh, OK.

Are we are we being kind of harsh and accusatory like we're we're on trial?

Right.

Or are we approaching ourselves with that that gentle curiosity of someone who really wants to understand and help?

So it's it's the difference between like an internal interrogation and a and a helpful conversation.

Exactly.

Like we would have with with a friend or a loved one.

Exactly.

And that and that takes time.

Right.

I mean, I think so often we want these quick fixes.

Right.

Yes.

We want we want to just change overnight.

But but the author actually addresses that.

Right.

They do.

They do.

And actually, you know, a lot of times I'll ask clients this question.

How long do you think it took you to develop these challenges?

Right.

You know, to to get to where you are now.

And and when people think about it, it's often years, sometimes decades.

Yeah.

You know that we've been carrying this stuff around.

Exactly.

And so it's a good reminder that that significant change, real lasting change.

It also takes time.

You know, we have to be patient with ourselves.

You can't you can't rush rush the process of growth and healing.

Exactly.

So so we've talked about, you know, self understanding.

What what about this idea of self acceptance?

Yes.

Self acceptance.

This is the next big piece.

And the author is really clear that, you know, this doesn't mean that we suddenly think we're perfect or that we love everything about ourselves all the time.

I was going to say that's that's not realistic.

Right.

Right.

To just like love everything about ourselves all the time.

Exactly.

But but instead, it's about learning to to tolerate the full spectrum of our emotions, all of it, you know, the joy, the sadness, the confidence, the fear, the messy stuff.

Yes, the messy stuff, even the really uncomfortable ones like guilt and shame.

Yeah.

Yeah, those are tough ones to accept and deal with.

And and what the author points out, which I think is so fascinating, is that how we relate to our own feelings often mirrors how the adults in our early lives responded to us.

Oh, wow.

You know, so if if only certain emotions were acceptable growing up, we may have learned to kind of suppress or judge those other parts of ourselves.

Yeah.

So we're kind of internalizing those messages.

Totally.

And carrying them with us into adulthood.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And and guilt is is a particularly tricky one that the author brings up.

OK, especially for for people who identify with having ADD.

You know, there's often this really strong tendency to be people pleasers.

And this can lead to this this really deep seated guilt when they prioritize their own knees or when they feel like they've they've let someone down.

Yeah, it's like that fear of disappointing others or or being perceived as selfish.

Exactly.

That can really hold people back.

Totally.

And and to really illustrate this this complex role of guilt, the author shares this really fascinating ancient Jewish legend about about baby Moses.

Oh, wow.

Tell me about it.

I'm intrigued.

Yeah.

So the legend goes that there were these soothsayers and they predicted that baby Moses was going to, you know, be a challenge to the Pharaoh.

OK, so to kind of test this, they placed an onyx stone, which symbolized power and a hot coal in front of him.

Oh, wow.

And if you reached for the stone, it would be seen as the sign of ambition and he'd be put to death.

Oh, my gosh.

But the angel Gabriel, you know, unseen by everyone else, guided Moses's hand away from the stone and onto the hot coal instead.

Oh, wow.

So Moses burnt his hand.

He instinctively put it in his mouth, burning his lips and tongue.

And this, the legend says, is why he was later slow with speech and slow of tongue.

Wow.

That's that's a that's a powerful story.

Yeah, it is.

It's a really powerful story.

And what's so interesting is how the author interprets it, you know, as it relates to this whole

OK, yeah.

How do they see it?

So they suggest that guilt, you know, in a way it acted like that angel for us early in life.

OK,

so when we were children, if the adults around us, you know, even unintentionally communicated that certain parts of ourselves, our desires, our feelings, our needs were unacceptable, we developed these internal mechanisms to ensure that we complied.

OK, so it's like we learn to suppress or hide those parts of ourselves that weren't weren't welcomed or accepted.

Exactly.

Because the consequence of not complying was this anxiety of of losing connection with our caregivers, you know, the people we depended on.

Exactly.

So so guilt became one of those mechanisms.

OK, almost like an early warning system.

Right, right.

You know, steering us away from our own onyx stone, so to speak, which is like our our core impulses, you know, and towards the the coal of fire, which is like, you know, whatever those

feelings or behaviors were that were deemed acceptable.

Right.

The things that wouldn't get us in trouble.

Right.

Exactly.

So we might have gotten burned in the sense of suppressing parts of ourselves.

Yeah.

But we maintain those those essential early relationships.

Exactly.

But but the thing about guilt, it's it's not very nuanced, right?

It basically has one main trigger, which is wanting to do something for yourself that might upset someone else.

OK, it doesn't differentiate between a genuine wrongdoing and a healthy act of self -expression.

Right.

It's just kind of lumps it all together.

Right to guilt.

It's all selfish.

Interesting.

And and it also operates outside of time.

Oh, it doesn't really distinguish between those early relationships and our current adult interactions.

Right.

You know, it can project those old dynamics onto new situations.

Yeah.

So so even as adults, you know, interacting with our partners or friends or colleagues, that old guilt can still be like running the show as if we're, you know, still trying to avoid upsetting mom and dad.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Like it hasn't updated its programming to our adult lives.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's still it's still operating on that old software.

Right.

And so and so then our natural reaction a lot of times is to just try to get rid of it.

Yeah.

To obey it, hoping it'll go away.

But but what the author suggests is that we try to see guilt as this

this well -meaning but perhaps outdated friend.

OK.

You know, we can acknowledge its warning.

Don't be selfish.

But then we need to use our adult judgment to decide if that warning is still relevant.

Right.

So it's about accepting that feeling of guilt.

Yes.

Without automatically being controlled by it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And in fact, the author even suggests that in the in the initial stages of personal growth,

feeling guilty might actually be a good sign.

Oh, that's interesting.

Right.

Why would that be a good sign?

Well, because it could indicate that we're finally starting to acknowledge and move towards our true self.

OK.

And that can trigger that guilt response.

So it's like a sign that we're actually starting to break free from those old patterns.

Exactly.

We're starting to prioritize our own needs.

And that can that can bring up some discomfort initially.

Totally.

Yeah.

And the author then brings up the topic of anxiety.

OK.

And particularly anxiety around self -assertion.

And they use this example of a guy named John.

OK.

Who is a gay man who had spent years prioritizing his partner's desires over his own.

And when he finally started to recognize and express his own needs, he started to experience a lot of anxiety.

Oh, that makes sense.

So he was kind of stepping outside of his comfort zone.

Exactly.

But what's really interesting is that the author actually views that anxiety as a positive sign.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Because even though it's uncomfortable,

it it indicates progress.

You know, for a long time, John hadn't even allowed himself to consider his own desires.

Right.

So the anxiety that arose when he started to assert himself marked a significant step forward in his journey of self -discovery.

OK.

So so sometimes those those uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, they're not necessarily something to avoid.

Right.

But rather to acknowledge as as signs of growth.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It can be really hard to to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.

Right.

But sometimes they're pointing us in the right direction.

They're showing us where we need to go.

Exactly.

So so we've been talking about, you know, self -understanding, self -acceptance and and now this idea of of anxiety and guilt as potential indicators of growth.

Yes.

But but there's this kind of interesting contradiction that the author brings up.

OK.

Which is that sometimes people with ADD can can act in ways that that appear selfish.

Right.

Particularly with, you know, things like impulsive behaviors or addictions.

Right.

So how does that how does that fit in with this whole idea of of being held back by guilt and anxiety?

Yeah.

So it's a great question.

And the author explains it like this.

The more our true self, you know, our core needs and desires are suppressed, the more likely we are to seek out those those quick hits of gratification, those impulsive behaviors.

It's almost like a pressure release valve because we haven't been able to to nurture our our deeper selves.

We might overcompensate with those more superficial immediate satisfactions.

So it's almost like a way of trying to meet those needs.

Yes.

That being met in a healthy way.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That makes that makes a lot of sense.

And then the author, you know, moves into talking about, you know, being compassionate with ourselves.

Yes.

Where we are in our journey.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

Absolutely.

This this whole idea of self compassion of compassion, especially about our progress.

You know, it's about not punishing ourselves for for where we are.

Right.

You know, the author talks about this really common feeling of regret that a lot of adults have about wasted time, you know, thinking about what they wish they'd known, what they wish they'd done differently years ago.

Right.

Like if only I had known this back then.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And the author even shares their own experience with these kinds of reflections, which I thought was really powerful.

But the the core message here is that, you know, we can only make conscious choices when we when we become aware.

Right.

You know, and that that awakening is a gradual process.

Yeah.

It doesn't happen overnight.

No, it doesn't.

And and we're going to make mistakes along the way.

And that's OK.

And that's OK.

You know, it's part of the journey.

And the author actually has this this beautiful way of reframing that, you know, using a Nietzsche quote.

Oh, OK.

What's what's the quote?

Yeah.

So they say the meaning and value of our blunders is that they show us which path doesn't lead to ourselves.

Wow.

I like that.

Right.

So even those mistakes, those detours, those wrong turns, they have value because they're showing us what's not working.

Right.

They're helping us to course correct.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And then and then finally, the the chapter talks about, you know, this really important topic of of seeking guidance.

Yes.

Of getting support, particularly through things like psychotherapy and counseling.

Yes.

Because because for many adults who've who've experienced low self -esteem, emotional pain,

offering themselves that consistent understanding presence, that essential self -parenting, it can be incredibly challenging to do alone.

Absolutely.

And this is where, you know, therapists and counselors can provide such invaluable support, you know, almost acting as this this temporary parent substitute, so to speak, in that they offer that consistent non -judgmental space to to really explore those difficult feelings and develop self -awareness.

Right.

So it's like having that secure base.

Yes.

That maybe was missing in childhood.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And and the author kind of makes this point that that for a lot of, you know, significant ADD related challenges,

professional psychological guidance is often necessary.

Okay.

But but it's important to understand what the author sees as the primary goal of therapy.

Okay.

Yeah.

What what is that?

And it's not about, you know, a quick fix or being told what to do.

But but it's really about facilitating personal growth.

Okay.

You know, it's about becoming more of your own person, developing self -respect.

So it's not it's not about, like, curing something.

Yeah.

It's about it's about growing and evolving.

Exactly.

It's about it's about supporting that journey of self -discovery.

Yeah.

The therapist kind of acts like this, this talking mirror.

Oh, I like that.

Offering reflections until we until we develop our own ability to see ourselves more clearly.

You know, and and one of the the really key aspects of effective therapy is what Carl Rogers called unconditional positive regard, which is that feeling of being completely accepted and supported no matter what you say or do.

Wow.

That's so powerful.

It is powerful.

And there's this this great quote by Anthony store, who said it is only when we no longer feel compelled to judge ourselves to hide our thoughts that we can begin to order our inner world.

Oh, I love that.

Right.

So so in that environment of of unconditional positive regard, where we can really just be ourselves without

without fear of judgment, right, it allows those thoughts and feelings to to kind of just naturally start to sort themselves out.

Yeah, it creates that safe space for for exploration and healing.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And then the author goes into, you know, some of the practicalities of finding good

noting that there can be some confusion around, you know, the differences between psychologists and psychiatrists.

Right, right.

Could you could you maybe just clarify the roles a bit?

Yeah, sure.

So psychologists typically have, you know, really extensive academic training in in understanding human behavior, the roots of psychological difficulties and different therapeutic approaches.

They generally hold doctoral degrees, but they're not medical doctors.

So so they can't prescribe medication.

Okay.

Psychiatrists, on the other hand, are medical doctors who specialize in in mental health.

And their training often have a stronger focus on the biological aspects of mental illness and and the use of medication.

Okay, so there's there's some overlap in what they do, but but there are some key differences.

Exactly.

And and the author actually expresses some reservations about automatically recommending psychiatrists for most, you know, ADD related issues, except in in cases of severe depression or other complex conditions.

Oh, interesting.

Why why is that?

Yeah, so they they highlight this concern that that psychiatric training has become increasingly focused on this this purely biological and pharmacological approach, sometimes overlooking the importance of of understanding the individual within their life experiences and relationship.

Yeah.

So it's it's like they're they're missing that whole whole person piece.

Exactly.

There's this quote in the chapter that I think really illustrates this well.

Okay.

It says, The past 30 years have witnessed an almost unbelievable explosion of knowledge regarding the biological underpinnings of psychiatric disorders.

At the same time, there has been a virtual abandonment of the systematic study of the human organism in context.

Wow.

And and then you know, they go on to say, you know, many medical students learn much about psychopathology, but very little about normal psychology, about the growth and development of the human personality.

Yeah.

So so it's like they're they're learning all about what goes wrong,

but not necessarily how things are supposed to go right.

Exactly.

And that's that's a really important foundation to have, right?

It is to understand how things are supposed to work in order to then understand what happens when they don't.

Absolutely.

However, you know,

the author is quick to emphasize that these are just general trends and that there are many skilled and insightful therapists, you know, among both psychiatrists and psychologists, as well as, you know, professionals from other related fields.

Ultimately, the most important qualities are things like empathy, integrity, compassion, honesty,

insight, and genuine skill in helping people.

And that can come from, you know, people with a variety of different credentials.

So it's really about the person.

Yes.

More than the letters after their name.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And and specifically for for adults with ADD, you know, the author points out that it's it's often not well understood within the mental health field.

Right.

It can be really challenging to find someone who who really gets it.

Yeah.

And and while it is beneficial, if the therapist has

has knowledge of ADD, you know, it's even more crucial that they have this deep understanding of human nature and that they've that they've done their own inner work.

Yes.

That's so important.

You know, the author even cautions against therapists who who haven't addressed their own psychological issues.

Yeah, because because that can lead to to some pretty unhelpful, even harmful

advice.

Exactly.

Right.

If they're if they're projecting their own unresolved stuff onto their clients.

Totally.

And then the author makes this this other really interesting point about family therapy.

They see it as potentially very valuable for individuals with ADD.

And even if, you know, the whole family isn't involved in sessions,

you know, this family systems approach, you know, it helps individuals to understand their patterns within the context of their family history.

OK.

And it encourages them to take responsibility for their own feelings, which can be so empowering.

Yeah.

Because because so often, you know, we can get stuck in that that victim role.

Totally.

You know, blaming our families or our past.

Right.

For our current struggles.

Yes.

And and so it's about, you know, recognizing that while those early experiences definitely had an impact, we're not powerless.

Right.

You know, we can we can choose how we respond.

Yeah, we have agency in the present moment.

Exactly.

So so when it comes to to actually finding a good therapist,

you know, the author suggests word of mouth referrals are often the most reliable.

Yeah.

Ask friends, family, you know, people you trust.

Exactly.

See if they have any recommendations.

And ultimately, you know, it's about how you feel in the presence of that therapist.

Right.

It's so important to to trust your instincts, assess whether you feel truly heard and understood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And and sometimes, you know, those feelings of guilt or anxiety might try to keep us in a therapeutic relationship that isn't actually helpful.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So it's about it's about tuning into those those gut feelings and being willing to speak up if something's not working,

to advocate for ourselves.

Absolutely.

So to kind of bring it all together, you know, this deep dive into self -parenting,

it highlights the importance of of starting with this compassionate self -understanding, accepting all of our emotions, even the difficult ones, you know, the guilt, the anxiety, recognizing that.