Chapter 27: Remembering What Didn’t Happen – The ADD Relationship

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All right, Lerner, so you're back for another deep dive and this time we're gonna be taking a closer look at a chapter you sent in.

Absolutely.

Chapter 27, and it is called

Remembering What Didn't Happen, The ADD Relationship.

Quite a title.

Yeah, very evocative.

And I think it really sets the stage for what we're gonna be exploring today and that is really the profound ways in which our early emotional experiences can really shape the landscape of our adult relationships.

Yes, and especially in the context of ADD, which is really, I think, what makes this chapter so interesting for us today.

Absolutely, and one of the key things that the chapter highlights right from the beginning is this idea that it's not necessarily about the big dramatic events that we might consciously remember, those really overt traumas that some people experience.

Right, exactly.

But it's more about those subtle, sometimes almost invisible moments where nothing happened when something might profitably have happened, as the author puts it.

Yes, those are the ones that are sometimes harder to pinpoint, but they can be just as influential.

Absolutely, and that's really where this concept of implicit memory comes in.

Yeah, this is really key.

Because it's the idea that our body and our brain hold onto a memory of emotional experiences, even if we don't have a specific story or a narrative that we can consciously recall.

Right, it's like a feeling or a sense that something is off or familiar in a way that we can't quite put our finger on.

Exactly, and the chapter really digs into how these implicit memories can impact really core aspects of our relationships, things like intimacy,

rejection sensitivity, the dynamics that play out between partners.

How much we trust, how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be.

Absolutely, all of that.

And we're gonna be really grounding our exploration in the specific examples and insights that the chapter offers, so let's dive right in.

Sounds good.

So the chapter starts off with this really compelling case study of a man named Trevor.

He's a 36 -year -old stockbroker, and he was diagnosed with ADD in his early 30s.

And on the surface, he's had what a lot of people might consider a full romantic life.

He's had several short -term relationships.

He's even been married, lived with someone for an extended period.

But underneath it all, there's this real struggle going on.

He's got this deep -seated fear of being alone.

But at the same time, he really longs for a lasting committed relationship.

And he talks about how he's been unfaithful in the past, and he just can't seem to break free from these patterns.

Oh, so he's really struggling with a kind of internal conflict there.

Exactly, and what the chapter really points to is that there's this recurring theme in his relationships that he tends to become intensely interested in women who are emotionally unavailable.

Interesting, so the distance itself is almost what draws him in.

Yeah, it's like he's fueled by that pursuit.

And then paradoxically, when they do start to warm up to him and become more emotionally close.

He pulls away.

He finds fault, he creates distance.

It's like a self -fulfilling prophecy in a way.

Yeah, it really is.

And the chapter highlights a few other behaviors as well that I think we're really telling.

For example, he talks about how he would go to great lengths to prolong phone calls.

Oh, wow.

Bringing up anything he could think of just to keep the conversation going.

And there's also this very revealing episode with a woman he dated one summer where it didn't bother him at all that she didn't really profess her love for him or miss him when they were apart.

So he was okay with the distance when it was just the two of them.

Yeah, exactly, but then when she was actually leaving.

It changed.

He became incredibly resentful and even acted unkindly towards her in a way that really surprised him afterward.

Oh, so the rejection only really hit him when it was a concrete ending.

Exactly, it's like the possibility of rejection wasn't that threatening, but the actual reality of it was unbearable.

It's really fascinating how that works and how we can be so unaware of these patterns in ourselves.

And he talks about how he felt sick and weak, like there was something wrong with him for having these reactions.

But I think the real shift in perspective that the chapter offers is moving beyond that self -blame and starting to explore what are those deeper, often unconscious things that are driving his behavior.

Right, recognizing that it's not some kind of moral failing, but maybe more of a protective mechanism.

Exactly.

Like his system is trying to keep him safe in a way that's no longer serving him.

Exactly, and that really brings us to one of the central themes of the chapter, which is the whole issue of fear of intimacy and rejection in adults with ADD.

Right, and it's not just Trevor, it sounds like this is something that the author has seen in many of his patients over the years.

Absolutely, he says it's actually quite common, and I think what's particularly interesting is that this fear of intimacy often exists right alongside a very real desire for affection and a deep anxiety about being rejected.

Yeah, that seems like a paradox.

It does, doesn't it?

It's like wanting connection, but being terrified of it at the same time.

But I think when we consider the way that ADD often involve this sort of inherent emotional sensitivity and intensity,

it starts to make a little bit more sense, like the stakes are just higher.

Right, it's almost like the emotional volume is turned up, and so the potential for both joy and pain and relationships feels much more intense.

Exactly.

And the chapter uses this term relationship nomadism to describe this pattern of moving from one relationship to another,

often sabotaging deeper intimacy before it can really develop.

Right, because the closer it gets, the more threatening it feels.

Exactly.

And so they keep moving on, trying to find that perfect connection, but they're quite getting there.

And it's important to note that the chapter really emphasizes that these dynamics are not unique to Trevor.

They're present to varying degrees in many relationships where ADD is a factor.

Okay, so it's a common thread.

Absolutely, now the chapter mentions that Trevor had actually sought therapy in the past, but it hadn't really helped him with these core issues.

And it explains that the types of therapy he tried often focused on trying to identify specific traumatic events from his past that might explain his difficulties with relationships.

Oh, so they were looking for that sort of classic trauma narrative.

Yeah, like some big event or a series of events that he could point to as the root of his problems.

I see.

But the problem was Trevor really couldn't recall any major overt traumas, nothing like abuse or significant family disruptions.

So that traditional approach wasn't really working for him.

Exactly, and that's where the chapter brings in this really crucial concept of implicit memory.

Okay, let's talk about that.

And it draws on the work of Mark Epstein, who talks about memories, not just of those big dramatic recalled events, but also memories of nothing happening when something might profitably have happened.

Oh, that's interesting.

So it's not about the presence of something negative, but the absence of something positive.

Exactly, and these are often more subtle relational experiences, so it's not like a one -time event, but more like a consistent lack of something crucial.

Okay, I'm starting to see how this could be really important in understanding relationship patterns.

Absolutely, because these kinds of experiences aren't necessarily stored in our explicit narrative memory, the kind of memories we can tell stories about, but they are often held in our bodies and our emotional responses.

And the chapter gives this great analogy of learning to ride a bike.

Oh, okay.

Even if you haven't ridden a bike in years,

your body still remembers how to do it.

Right, it's like muscle memory.

Exactly,

and implicit memory is similar.

Our emotions and our relationship patterns can become ingrained in our body and brain memory, even if we can't consciously recall the specific early events that shaped them.

That makes a lot of sense.

And the chapter also references the work of Joseph Ledoux on emotional memory to further explain this idea.

And essentially what Ledoux is saying is that implicit memory is the way in which our brain circuits get imprinted with the emotional tone of those early interactions, and those circuits can then get activated in present day situations, triggering intense feelings without us consciously connecting them back to those past experiences.

Oh, wow, so it's like we're reacting to something in the present, but the intensity of our reaction is actually fueled by those unconscious memories from the past.

Exactly, and the chapter gives the example of Trevor's anxiety, when a woman would seem to pull away even in something as seemingly minor as a phone call ending.

That anxiety was likely a re -experiencing of those early unmet needs for connection and attunement that he might not even have a conscious memory of.

It's amazing how much is happening beneath the surface that we're not even aware of.

Absolutely, now here's where the chapter really starts to deepen our understanding of all of this.

It delves into the role of a specific brain region called the orbitofrontal cortex, or OFC.

And the chapter explains that the OFC is this key area in our brain that acts like an emotional interpreter, and it's heavily influenced by our early relational experiences.

Interesting, so it's like a filter through which we experience our emotions.

It really is, and it's crucial for processing emotions, understanding emotional cues, especially things like tone of voice, body language, even more so than the actual words being said.

Wow, so it's really attuned to those nonverbal signals.

Absolutely, and what's really important is that this interpretation isn't neutral.

It's shaped by those early childhood emotional interactions, what the chapter calls the footprints of infancy, that are encoded in the OFC circuitry.

Okay, so if those early interactions were consistently attuned and nurturing,

then the OFC is going to interpret emotional signals in a more positive light.

But if those early interactions were marked by stress or neglect, then the OFC might be more likely to perceive threat or rejection even when it's not actually present.

Exactly, and so the chapter suggests that if Trevor experienced stresses in his early years that prevented his needs for attunement and secure attachment from being consistently met,

this would have had a lasting impact on how his OFC processes relationship signals later in life.

Makes sense, it's like those early experiences laid down a kind of template for how he expects and perceives connection.

Exactly, and the chapter draws this really powerful connection between Trevor's intense fear of being left and the primal anxiety that an infant feels when they're separated from their primary caregivers.

Oh wow, so his reaction is not just an overreaction, it's actually tapping into something very deep and instinctual.

Exactly, it's like a survival response.

Makes you look at it in a whole new light.

It really does, and the chapter even goes into some of the more nuanced aspects of those early interactions, talking about the dynamic between a mother and infant.

Okay.

And how a brief look away by the infant isn't typically distressing, but if the mother breaks eye contact.

That's different.

It can trigger this state of mortification and shame in the infant.

Oh wow, so it's not just about physical separation, but about emotional disconnection.

Exactly, and the chapter proposes that Trevor's profound need to avoid being left might actually stem from these implicit memories of that very early experience of shame associated with a disruption in connection.

So he's remembering on an emotional level what it felt like when that essential bond was broken.

Exactly, and that's why the intensity of his reaction makes so much more sense when we understand it through that lens.

That's really powerful.

Now the chapter then shifts its focus to this heightened sensitivity to rejection that is often observed in individuals with ADD.

Okay.

And it's important to note that the chapter acknowledges that fear of rejection isn't unique to ADD.

Right, we all experience that to some degree.

But it does seem to be amplified by the inherent emotional hyper -reactivity that often comes with it.

So the emotional impact is just greater.

Exactly, and what's really noteworthy is the degree to which even subtle and sometimes even imagined cues of rejection can trigger this really powerful reaction in someone with ADD.

And the chapter gives some really relatable examples, things like a partner declining sex.

Okay.

Or a fleeting negative expression or an unintentional comment.

These seemingly small things can be interpreted as this deep personal rejection.

I can see how that could be really difficult to navigate in a relationship.

Absolutely, and the chapter highlights this key difficulty, which is that the ADD adult often struggles to differentiate between a simple refusal and a complete dismissal of their worth.

Right, so a no to a request can feel like a fundamental invalidation of their very being.

Exactly, and the emotional consequences of these perceived rejections can be really intense, sometimes even leading to thoughts that life isn't worth living.

Wow, so it can really spiral.

It can, and the chapter tells this really coinion anecdote about a husband who looked completely lost and crushed when his wife simply said no to something.

Oh, wow.

And the chapter draws this parallel to the infant's total dependence on their caregiver.

Right.

And how that feeling of existential threat can be reactivated in adult relationships through these implicit memories.

So the person feeling rejected is almost experiencing themselves as that helpless infant, again, completely dependent on the other person.

Exactly, and the person doing the rejecting is perceived as this all -powerful figure who has the ability to completely destroy them.

That's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship.

It really is, and this brings us to the concept of impaired emotional self -regulation in ADD.

Okay.

Now we talked earlier about the OFC's role in processing emotions, but it's also crucial for helping us manage and inhibit strong emotional responses that originate in other brain areas like the amygdala.

Right, so it's like the brakes on our emotional system.

Exactly, and the chapter explains that in ADD, these connections between the OFC and the amygdala might not have developed as optimally.

Leading to a reduced ability to kind of put the brakes on those intense emotions.

So you've got this hypersensitivity to rejection combined with difficulty regulating those emotions.

It's like a double whammy, and so the reaction to perceived rejection becomes amplified and much harder to manage.

I'm starting to see how all these pieces fit together.

And the chapter then brings in John Bowlby's insights into children's reactions when they're reunited with their mothers after periods of separation.

And Bowlby observed that even when the separation was unavoidable and not intended as abandonment, children often displayed signs of detachment, sometimes even appearing not to recognize their mothers.

Wow.

And this really illustrates how the experience of separation itself, regardless of intent, can trigger these defensive mechanisms.

It's like a way of protecting themselves from future pain.

Exactly, and the chapter calls this defensive detachment.

I like that term.

And I think it really captures that emotional self -preservation strategy.

It's like a way of saying,

so hurtful was it for me to experience your absence that I will encase myself in a shell of hard emotion, impervious to love, and therefore to pain.

I never wanna feel that hurt again.

Wow, that's really powerful.

It is, isn't it?

And it really helps to explain why it can be so challenging for adults with ADD to truly trust and be vulnerable in their relationships.

Yeah, because that vulnerability makes them feel exposed to that potential for excruciating pain.

Exactly, and the chapter points out that depending on the depth of those early emotional deprivations, even the idea of commitment can feel incredibly anxiety -provoking.

Right, because commitment means really letting someone in, and that can be terrifying.

And the chapter uses this concept of a parachute relationship.

A parachute relationship.

Which is the idea of always having an alternative in mind.

Oh, wow, so even when they're in a relationship, they're already thinking about the exit strategy.

Exactly, it's like a way of protecting themselves from being completely devastated if the relationship ends.

That's really sad.

It is, and we also see this in Trevor's pattern of becoming more critical of partners once they become closer to him.

Right, that push -pull dynamic again.

It's all connected to that underlying fear of intimacy.

It's like they're trying to sabotage the relationship before it gets too close.

Exactly.

Now, another fascinating point that the chapter raises is the issue of boredom in relationships.

Boredom.

Many adults with ADD report experiencing boredom relatively easily, and they might mistakenly attribute this to a lack of excitement in their partner.

Oh, interesting.

So it's not that the partner's boring, but that they themselves are easily bored.

Exactly, and the chapter suggests that the root of this boredom often lies within themselves in a lack of internal engagement, rather than a flaw in the partner.

And it connects this back to that early infant state of needing external emotional nourishment, and proposes that there's this unconscious expectation that a partner will somehow fill that internal void.

I see, so they're looking outside themselves for something that ultimately needs to come from within.

Exactly, and the chapter emphasizes that true fulfillment comes from personal growth and self -discovery, and that the cycle of the relationship nomad constantly seeking a new partner to alleviate that internal emptiness is ultimately a self -defeating pattern.

Because it's never gonna truly address the underlying issue.

Exactly, now the chapter also delves into the fear of loss of self within intimacy.

Well, that's an interesting one.

It's that inherent tension between the deep human desire for connection and the simultaneous fear of being overwhelmed or losing one's individual identity within a relationship.

Right, it's like that age -old question.

Can you really be yourself in a relationship, or do you have to give up part of yourself to make it work?

And the chapter quotes Frank, who says, it's only when I am alone that I can really be myself.

Wow, that's really stark.

It is, and it really captures that dilemma that some individuals feel they face either sacrificing a sense of self for the sake of a relationship or maintaining their individuality at the expense of deeper connection and potentially loneliness.

It's a tough choice.

It is, and the chapter talks about how even after intense intimacy, there can be this pull to create distance, this need to reconnect with that sometimes fragile sense of self.

Right, it's like they need to come up for air.

And this ambivalence, the chapter argues, can be traced back to those early childhood experiences where an unconscious choice might have felt necessary between being authentic and jeopardizing the connection with a parent.

Because if they were their true selves, they might have risked losing that love and connection.

Exactly, and so that pattern gets carried forward into adult relationships.

It's really fascinating how these early experiences can shake our patterns in such profound ways.

Now the chapter also explores the impact of all of this on sexual intimacy.

And it notes that a lack of sexual intimacy can be a significant indicator of emotional shutdown in ADD relationships.

Even if only the children in the family have ADD.

Even if only the children in the family have ADD.

Interesting.

And the chapter suggests that the ADD partner's potential for exhibiting childlike behaviors can inadvertently shift the spouse into a more parental role.

Oh, I see.

Which can certainly diminish sexual desire.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And this then leads to the concept of counter will in adult ADD relationships.

Counter will.

Which is that resistance to feeling controlled even when the control comes from a partner expressing legitimate concerns.

Right, so it's like a knee -jerk reaction to any perceived attempt to control them, even if it's coming from a place of love and care.

Exactly, and this dynamic of anxiety,

control and opposition can create a real stalemate in the relationship.

It's like a power struggle.

It can be, and the chapter makes this really clear and important point that genuine adult intimacy requires both partners to move beyond those parent -child dynamics.

Absolutely.

Now the chapter introduces some really insightful ideas related to how we choose our partners in the first place.

Oh, that's interesting.

It mentions Michael Kerr's concept that people gravitate toward their emotional mirror images, and Stanley Greenspan's observation that individuals tend to pair up with others at similar levels of emotional development.

So we're drawn to people who are familiar in a way, even if we don't consciously realize it.

Exactly, and the chapter gives the common example of women with ADD who might perceive their non -ADD husbands as being better adjusted.

They might be handling the finances well, holding down a good job, but the underlying dynamic can reveal that the wife is actually carrying the majority of the emotional weight.

Interesting.

Unconsciously absorbing her husband's anxieties and bolstering his ego, and this hidden imbalance often becomes evident when she's no longer able to fulfill that role.

So it's like a codependency that's operating beneath the surface.

And what's crucial to understand is that this law of equal development, as it's called,

holds true even if one partner appears more outwardly successful or mature.

It's about the underlying emotional maturity.

Exactly, so the chapter argues that choosing a partner on a similar plane of psychological growth is almost inevitable.

And since ADD inherently involves some degree of underdeveloped emotional intelligence,

relationships often begin with a certain level of mutual immaturity.

And it's important to remember that the chapter defines maturity in this context as the capacity for genuine emotional self -sustenance without needing a partner to constantly provide mothering or fathering.

It's about being able to meet your own emotional needs to a certain extent.

Exactly, and I think the chapter also wisely notes that suppressed anxiety doesn't just vanish.

It will find a way to express itself.

It will find another way to manifest.

Now expanding on this idea of partner selection, the chapter really emphasizes this powerful tendency we have to choose partners who in some way mirror our interactions with our primary caregivers.

Even if those partners seem very different on the surface.

Even if they seem very different on the surface.

And it references the work of Harville Hendricks who explains that while we might consciously seek out only the positive traits that we admired in our parents, we're often unconsciously drawn to both the positive and negative characteristics.

And the negative ones often have a stronger pull.

Exactly, and the chapter connects this back to those early relationship patterns that are etched into the neural circuits of the orbitofrontal cortex.

Right.

So the OFC recognizes and is drawn to individuals who trigger familiar emotional responses.

Because on an unconscious level, those are the people who most resemble those whose love we craved.

And that's why the chapter makes this really powerful statement that we are almost inevitably drawn to the very person who is most likely to trigger both our deepest joys and our most painful implicit memories.

Wow, that's kind of a mind blowing thought.

It is, isn't it?

And this understanding of these deeply ingrained patterns is essential for fostering change in relationships.

Right.

The chapter shares the story of Jennifer, a woman with ADD who described herself as strong for enduring a difficult marriage.

And while acknowledging her resilience, the chapter draws this important distinction between inner strength and relational power.

Okay.

And argues that accepting an imbalance of burden can actually impede personal growth and perpetuate those ADD related relationship patterns.

So strength isn't always about just enduring, it's about recognizing when something is out of balance and taking steps to change it.

Exactly.

And finally, the chapter addresses this particularly challenging aspect for the non -ADD partner, which is what John Radier refers to as ahistorical memory in the ADD mind.

Historical memory.

And this is the tendency for past events, even recent ones, to seem forgotten.

Okay.

Like they never happened.

And the chapter gives this really vivid example of the ADD partner acting warmly and engagingly after a conflict.

While the other partner is still feeling hurt and confused because it's like the conflict never happened for them.

Right.

And it's that either or quality of memory recall that the chapter highlights.

So when positive memories are accessed, it can be as if the negative events never occurred and vice versa.

Exactly.

The current emotional state really dominates their memory retrieval.

I see.

And the chapter uses this really helpful analogy comparing the ADD mind to a television screen that can only display one channel at a time.

Oh, that's a good one.

And links this to the all or nothing thinking often seen in young children.

Again, pointing to an area of incomplete developmental integration.

Exactly.

Now the chapter concludes by acknowledging the very real practical challenges of living with ADD related behaviors.

You know, things like disorganization, forgetfulness, impulsivity, but it emphasizes that these are often less impactful on the core of relationship difficulties compared to the profound influence of the anxiety and pain that are stored within the implicit memory circuits of the ADD brain.

So it's not just about the surface behaviors, it's about what's driving those behaviors.

Exactly.

And so the key takeaway for you learner is the crucial role that recognizing and understanding these implicit memories of unmet needs plays in navigating the complexities of relationships where ADD is a significant factor.

And even though these patterns can feel really deeply entrenched,

the chapter offers this message of hope that they're not unchangeable.

Absolutely, that initial step of becoming aware of approaching these behaviors with compassionate curiosity.

Yeah.

Just as we explored with Trevor's story is truly the most significant step towards fostering positive change and building healthier, more fulfilling connections.

So true.

And this brings us to a final thought for you to consider learner.

Reflecting on this concept of remembering what didn't happen,

what subtle patterns might you now recognize in your own relationships or in the relationships of those around you?

That's a good question.

And what new avenues of curiosity does this understanding open up for you?