Chapter 13: Self-Appreciation

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Welcome to the Deep Dive, where we take stacks of incredible insights and distill them down to what truly matters for you.

Today we're kicking things off with a quote that always

stops me in my tracks.

It's from Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Okay, let's unpack this.

I mean, so often we talk about self -compassion for when we stumble, right?

For our failures or struggles.

But what about our successes?

What about that light Williamson mentions?

Today, our deep dive is all about moving beyond that constant self -criticism and really truly embracing our good side.

Our mission really is to explore Kristineff's concept of self -appreciation.

It's from her book, Self -Compassion.

We want to figure out how it helps us, especially you as college students facing all these pressures, but it helps you acknowledge your strengths without feeling boastful and how to cultivate a genuine deep sense of inner worth.

Think of this as your shortcut to understanding a really vital chapter.

Yeah, and it's important to recognize that

self -compassion, you know, with its core parts, kindness, common humanity, mindfulness, it isn't just for the tough times.

Those same principles, they're just as vital for recognizing and

appreciating our positive qualities too.

For lots of college students, that intense pressure to perform often leads to self -doubt or maybe the opposite, a fear of seeming too confident.

So this deep dive offers a balanced perspective.

It shows how we can celebrate our wins, the internal ones, without the usual pitfalls.

Okay, here's where it gets really interesting, I think.

You'd assume it's easy, right?

Accepting praise, acknowledging your good traits.

But actually, for a lot of us, it's much harder than focusing on our flaws.

Why is that?

Well, one big reason is the fear of vanity.

We're setting ourselves up with these like super high expectations.

The source talks about this tendency to downplay our good points.

So we're more likely to, you know, pleasantly surprise people instead of disappointing them.

Right, like the soccer player example, if you're always saying, oh, such a crap player, and then you score the winning goal, people are amazed, astonished praise.

But if you strut out there all confident and then miss a crucial shot, well, you open yourself up to attack, oh, I thought you said you were good, that sort of thing.

Exactly.

And there's another layer too.

Which is?

The fear of losing what the source calls the devil we know.

Ah, okay.

Explain that.

Well, if you're just used to cutting yourself down, seeing your positive qualities can feel strange, alien, almost uncomfortable.

Your whole sense of self might be tangled up with inadequacy.

So recognizing your worthiness, it almost feels like a kind of death of that familiar negative self image.

Wow.

So it's scary to let go of what you know, even if it's actually hurting you.

Precisely.

And if we connect this to the bigger picture,

societal pressure plays a huge role here.

We live in this competitive culture, right?

Yeah.

There's this unspoken need to feel special, above average, just to feel okay about ourselves.

But at the same time, it's kind of lonely at the top, isn't it?

There's a part of us that knows

climbing towards superiority can also mean, well, isolation.

We crave that high self -esteem, but we also maybe intuitively sense the downsides, that feeling of being separate, disconnected.

So if I admit I'm great at something, does that mean I think I'm better than you?

And then we can't relate anymore.

That's the tension.

This bipolar way we sort of crave and fear high self -esteem makes it really tough just to be comfortable in our own skin.

It's like we've been trained to spot the lint on our sweater, even when we're wearing, you know, a perfectly good suit.

That's a great way to put it, that societal tightrope.

But is there also a cost to underplaying our strengths?

Like, could too much humility actually hold us back or stop us from inspiring others?

So if both extremes are bad, constant self -criticism and unhealthy pride, what's the healthy middle ground?

How do we acknowledge our strengths without becoming that cigar -smoking, slick guy with a swollen head that Thomas, the accountant in the book, was so afraid of?

That's the crucial question, isn't it?

And the source offers a clear path forward.

Thomas, you know, the guy who found praise almost nauseating because he feared becoming like his boss.

Yeah.

He highlights his common KH -22.

If we admit good things about ourselves, it somehow feels bad.

So we focus on what's bad about ourselves in order to feel good.

It's completely absurd, but so common.

Right.

So what's the answer?

The answer lies in self -appreciation.

Okay.

Define that for us.

It's about enjoying our goodness.

Acknowledging that all people have strengths and weaknesses without any arrogance or feeling superior.

William James wrote something like, the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

And this kind of appreciation lets us meet that deep need ourselves internally.

So the key insight is that real self -worth isn't about being better.

Exactly.

It's about acknowledging your inherent good, knowing it's a universal human thing, not comparing.

I like that acknowledging the good without comparison.

It connects really well to something called sympathetic joy, right?

Mudita in Buddhism.

Yes, precisely.

Mudita.

It's about genuinely delighting in the good qualities and good fortune of others.

Which is the total opposite of that green -eyed monster of comparison.

You know, she's gorgeous, so I must be ugly.

Or he's so smart, I must be stupid.

It's a completely different way of engaging with success, both ours and other people's.

And here's a key point.

Just imagine how radically our perspective shifts if we actually took pleasure in other people's accomplishments, felt genuinely happy for them.

The source points out this would increase our odds of feeling happy by like the number of people we chance to feel happy for.

Which is a lot.

Given the world population, about 6 .8 billion percent.

Sounds funny, but it's a strategic shift.

By celebrating others, you multiply your own chances for joy.

You untether your happiness from just your wins and link it to this huge collective success.

That requires connection, though.

Absolutely.

An essential ingredient is recognizing we're all connected.

Think about the University of Texas Longhorns example in the When they win a big game, the whole city's thrilled because of that sense of oneness with our team.

Right, even if you didn't score the touchdown yourself.

Exactly.

We revel in their success because we feel connected.

Now imagine widening that sense of belonging to, well, all of humanity.

Then our side would always win.

Pretty much.

And this also really relies on mindfulness.

Just like you need to consciously notice your partner's good traits, their intelligence, maybe their looks, their humor to really appreciate them.

You need mindfulness to appreciate your own positive qualities.

If you just take them for granted, they sort of fade into the background noise.

That makes perfect sense.

So, okay, how do we actively cultivate this self -appreciation?

You said the same framework from self -compassion applies.

Kindness, common humanity, mindfulness.

That's right.

They're still the blueprint.

So how do they apply when we're focusing on the good stuff, on our strengths?

Let's start with kindness.

Why is that so crucial here?

Well, kindness, when you apply it to self -appreciation, is about giving ourselves the gift of rejoicing in our good qualities.

So many of us, myself included, honestly focus way more on weaknesses than strengths.

It can feel really uncomfortable to acknowledge the good points, but if we're kind to ourselves, we can actually enjoy them.

Like saying.

Like, isn't it wonderful that I'm a good friend or a hard worker or a creative problem solver, something like that.

You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, you know, make everyone uncomfortable, but you can quietly give yourself that inner acknowledgement, the kind you deserve, and frankly, the kind you need.

Okay.

And what about common humanity?

How does that fit with appreciating my strengths?

Common humanity means we appreciate ourselves, not because we're somehow better than others, but because all people have goodness in them.

It's part of being human.

If you appreciate goodness in others, but ignore, or worse, down your own, you're creating this false divide.

Phich Nhat Hanh has that beautiful line.

You are a wonderful manifestation.

The whole universe has come together to make your existence possible.

If you really take that idea of interbeing to heart, then celebrating your own achievements isn't any more self -centered than having compassion for your failings.

So our gifts aren't just ours.

Not solely our personal responsibility.

They come from, well, everything.

Our ancestral gene pool, the love from our parents, the generosity of friends, guidance from teachers, the wisdom of our whole culture.

So self -appreciation, seen this way, becomes an expression of gratitude.

Gratitude for all that has shaped us.

It's about humbly honoring all of creation, including ourselves.

That's a profound shift.

And finally, mindfulness.

We touched on it, but how does it specifically help with self -appreciation?

Well, just like with sympathetic joy, self -appreciation needs us to consciously notice our own positive features.

But because it can feel weird, uncomfortable to appreciate ourselves, we often just screen those thoughts out.

We suppress the suspicion that maybe, just maybe, we aren't so bad after all.

Because we don't know what to do with those good feelings.

Exactly.

They feel novel, unfamiliar.

Mindfulness lets us approach things differently.

It helps us let go of those habitual tendencies, like always defaulting to the negative.

We often take our good qualities completely for granted while we obsess about weaknesses.

Like the student example.

If I could only lose 15 pounds.

Right.

Blithely ignoring their youth, health, intelligence, maybe a great career, starting a loving partner.

By adopting the intention to notice what's good about ourselves, we actively push back against that slide into negativity.

Okay, that makes sense.

Balance is key.

But for someone whose default really is self -criticism, how do they even start finding that balance?

Without feeling fake or, like we said, boastful?

That's a really valid concern.

And look, it would be a problem if the focus was indeed too much.

The source warns against that kind of either thinking, the idea that I am perfect and have absolutely no flaws.

That's obviously not helpful.

But every single human being has both positive and negative traits.

That's just reality.

We need to honor and accept ourselves as we authentically are.

No better, no worse.

The key is balance.

Perspective.

Seeing ourselves without distortion.

I love the analogy in the book.

When the sun rises, we can appreciate our light.

And when the sun sets, we can have compassion for our darkness.

Beautiful.

So, okay, let's make this practical.

How do we put it into practice?

Let's try exercise one.

Appreciating yourself.

So right now, or maybe later today, I challenge you listening.

List 10 things about yourself that you genuinely like or appreciate.

They don't have to be things you do all the time, just sometimes.

As you write each one down, try to notice any uncomfortable feelings that pop up.

Embarrassment, fear of vanity, maybe just unfamiliarity.

And if that discomfort comes up, just gently remind yourself you're not claiming you're better than anyone else.

You're not saying you're perfect.

You're simply noting the good qualities that you sometimes show.

Everyone has good features.

See if you can acknowledge and actually enjoy these parts of yourself.

Linger over them.

Really take them in.

And this exercise is great because it helps us see the difference between self -appreciation and self -esteem.

That's a really crucial distinction, especially for college students, right?

Where self -worth can get so tied up with achievement and comparison.

So what's the difference exactly?

Well, self -esteem often is based on separation,

on comparison, on being better than others, and therefore feeling special.

It's a kind of judgment of worthiness that labels us, I am thin, I am successful, I am beautiful.

It confuses our self -concept, our idea of ourselves, with our actual self.

Okay, so self -esteem is about labels and comparison.

How is self -appreciation different?

Self -appreciation, contrastingly, is based on connectedness, on seeing our similarities with others,

recognizing that everyone has strong points.

It isn't a judgment or a label.

It's a way of relating to what is good in us.

It sees us as this ever -changing process, something that can never be fully defined or boxed in.

It acknowledges our moments of splendor, but also the simple, beautifully averaged things like breathing, walking, eating,

hugging a friend.

These are amazing abilities, things we often only realize are wondrous once we lose them or can't do them easily.

That's so true.

So the key insight with self -appreciation, you don't need to put others down to feel good about yourself.

You can genuinely rejoice in your talents while also celebrating mine, or anyone else's.

It's about seeing the light in everyone, including yourself.

Okay, so we've dug into appreciating the good within us.

But this capacity for appreciation, it doesn't stop there, does it?

It extends to the world around us.

And cultivating that external appreciation can actually reinforce our internal self -worth, is that right?

Yes, exactly.

And appreciating external things, family, friends, a good job,

sunshine, that's often not nearly as challenging as appreciating ourselves directly.

It doesn't usually stir up those same fears of vanity we talked about.

Right.

But it can still be a challenge, maybe.

Because our minds just have that habit of focusing on the negative,

the problems.

That's the hurdle.

We get so caught up in problem -solving mode, fixing things, that we don't give enough attention to what actually gives us pleasure.

But the source says appreciation can radically transform our experience.

It really can.

Researcher Sonja Lubomirski found something fascinating.

Positive life circumstances, like getting a raise or moving to a nice place,

they only account for about 10 % of our overall happiness.

A surprisingly small slice.

Only 10%, wow.

Yeah.

We seem to have this happiness set point that we tend to return to even after big positive events, like winning the lottery.

So what does make a difference, then?

Well, if we connect this to the bigger picture,

Lubomirski's crucial insight is this.

It's not so much what happens to you, but your attitude toward what happens that really matters.

She identifies several key factors for boosting happiness,

and many line up perfectly with self -appreciation.

Things like being grateful for what you have, looking at the bright side, not comparing yourself, practicing kindness, being mindful,

and savoring joy.

Okay, let's focus on this last two you mentioned.

Gratitude and savoring.

Great idea.

Gratitude, as Robert Emmons, who's done a ton of research on this, defines it, is basically recognizing and acknowledging the gifts we are given.

The religion has emphasized this for centuries, right?

Celebrating the beauty and wonder of creation.

And Emmons' research strongly backs this up.

Grateful individuals, they tend to be happier, more hopeful, more vital, more satisfied,

and less materialistic, less envious.

And the cool thing is, it can be learned.

That's the really powerful part.

It can be learned.

In one study,

undergrads who just wrote down things they felt grateful for once a week, for 10 weeks, they ended up happier, had fewer illness symptoms, and even exercised more than other groups.

Just from writing it down once a week.

Seems so.

It looks like gratitude genuinely changes both our emotional and physical experience for the better.

Okay, so that leads perfectly into exercise two.

Keeping a gratitude journal.

Research suggests this is one of the most reliable ways to boost happiness.

Maybe get a special notebook.

But the key thing is setting aside time, maybe daily, to write about the gifts, kindnesses, pleasant surprises, good moments you experienced.

Try to find new things.

Right.

Not just friends and family every day, though they're important, but maybe also sunshine, the rule of law, indoor plumbing stuff we take for granted.

And be specific.

Instead of just, I'm grateful for my cat, maybe try.

I'm grateful for the way my cat purrs and rubs against my leg, making me feel loved, feel the difference.

Absolutely.

Specificity makes it real.

And closely related to gratitude is savoring.

Savoring.

Okay, what's that exactly?

Savoring is the conscious enjoyment of whatever gives us pleasure.

It's about lingering over delightful experiences, sort of swishing them around in your awareness, like a good glass of wine.

We often think of it with food, sensually.

But it applies to all enjoyable moments.

The sound of a friend laughing, the beauty of a leaf, getting lost in a good book.

So it's mindful enjoyment.

Exactly.

When we savor, we hold that experience in mindful awareness.

We pay conscious attention to the pleasant thoughts, sensations, emotions happening right now in the present moment.

It also works for reliving positive memories, intentionally bringing them back to prolong and deepen the pleasure.

Okay, let's try exercise three.

Savor the moment.

Pick a food or drink you find really tasty.

Maybe a piece of dark chocolate, a slice of hot pizza, a nice cup of tea, whatever works for you.

As you eat or drink it, try to savor it as much as you possibly can.

Engage all your senses.

How does it taste?

What are the subtle flavors?

How does it smell?

How does it feel?

Holding it, chewing it, swallowing it.

The textures, how does it look?

Does it catch the light?

Even the sound, maybe a crunch or a sizzle.

Slow right down.

Yeah, slow down and just fully dive into all those pleasurable sensations.

Then notice how it feels to experience pleasure itself.

Like, do you feel little bubbles of happiness?

A warmth in your chest?

Tingling?

Enjoy it for as long as possible.

And then maybe just give thanks for the simple gift of food and drink.

And the striking thing again is that psychologists have actually studied this.

Savoring's effect on well -being.

Studies show people who regularly savor the pleasant parts of their lives are happier and less depressed.

It's measurable.

There was one study where people took a 20 -minute walk daily for a week.

The group told to consciously notice pleasant things.

Flowers, sunshine, whatever.

They felt significantly happier afterwards compared to other groups.

Just from paying attention differently.

Yep.

They also reported a greater sense of appreciation for the world.

So just by taking the time to notice and savor the everyday things that give us pleasure, we can dramatically intensify our experience of joy.

So ultimately, self -appreciation lets us really revel in what's positive, both about ourselves and our lives.

And the amazing thing is, like you said, nothing special or out of the ordinary has to happen.

It can be refreshingly, wonderfully average.

You don't need something new to occur to, you know, stop and smell the roses.

You just need to pay attention to what's already right there in front of your nose.

Instead of always being in that problem -solving mode, thinking about what needs fixing,

pause.

Marvel at what's not broken.

Feel how amazing it is just to have a body pulsing with life, able to take in ideas, feel the coolness of your breath, simple things.

Like Diller Rushfusku said, happiness does not consist in things themselves, but in the relish we have of them.

Relish.

That's beautifully put.

And in conclusion, self -appreciation and self -compassion, there really are two sides of the same coin.

One's for pleasure, one's for suffering.

One celebrates our strengths, the other accepts our weaknesses.

But if we connect this back to the bigger picture, what truly matters is having an open heart and mind.

Not constantly evaluating, comparing, resisting, distorting reality,

but just being open.

Open to seeing ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, in all their glory and yeah, all their ignominy too.

Using the same core tools.

Exactly.

We relate to everything with kindness.

We feel our interconnectedness.

We become aware of the present moment without judgment.

We don't need to be perfect to feel good about ourselves.

Our lives don't need to be some certain way for us to be content.

Every single one of us has the capacity for resilience, for growth, for happiness.

Just by embracing both compassion and appreciation.

And look, if you feel you can't change, that it feels too hard, well then have compassion for that feeling.

Start right there.

Because each new moment truly presents an opportunity for a radically different way of being.

So what does this all mean for you?

It means unlocking that profound power of self -appreciation,

overcoming those fears we talked about, cultivating genuine self -worth and boosting your overall happiness through things like gratitude and savoring.

So I really encourage you challenge yourself.

Try one of the exercises we discussed today.

See what happens.

And just imagine how might your interactions, your sense of purpose, how might they shift if you consistently allowed yourself to truly shine, not despite your common humanity, but actually because of it.

Knowing that when you do that, you unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

A truly powerful thought to leave you with.

Thank you so much for joining us on this deep dive.

We'll catch you next time.